hard to take the Buffalo News sometimes, but there’s always one
good thing about it—it sucks.
may not make sense to you, but to minor league journalists such as we
at the BEAST, it often helps to read a few columns in the News,
and to realize that yes, we are good enough to make it. Maybe even too
has done more for my self-esteem in such a short time than Mary Kunz,
the News’ “fresh voice,” who has recently been promoted to regular
columnist, for reasons I can’t even guess at (though I suspect an intimate
relationship with an editor or a deal with Lucifer might be involved).
In fact, Kunz’ detestably nauseous drivel makes Donn Esmonde look like
Pulitzer Prize candidate.
are like horrible, drawn out automobile tragedies—I don’t want to look,
but can’t tear my eyes away as this vacuous woman crashes and burns
in piece after piece. It’s as ugly as it is odd—Kunz’ ill-informed and
poorly written “insights” aren’t worthy of a college newspaper, and
the News is embarrassing itself even more than usual. Frankly,
it raises my ire to dangerous levels to see a “writer” so hopelessly
overwhelmed by the task of assimilating information and producing a
just imagine the demographic profile of a perfect Kunz reader—not quite
bright enough for Dave Barry; not quite hateful enough for Rush Limbaugh.
Young enough to want to stay hip, but too old or just plain stupid to
succeed. Tries to appear urbane, but secretly wishes that all non-white
non-Christian non-heterosexuals would just spontaneously evaporate.
for my hatred is Mary’s latest column. Called “Drivers with an outlaw
mentality,” it seriously made me want to defecate—good thing I was on
the crapper when I read it. The piece was an urgent message to readers
about a stunning new problem Kunz has discovered only recently: people
drive like assholes. Seriously, that’s it. The tired content wouldn’t
even make a decent installment of the News’ wonderfully demented
“My View” section. Kunz tediously recounts the details of every traffic
infraction to have occurred within her view, and even evokes the mirage
of the good old days, when people didn’t drive like assholes, as if
it were ever so.
can say is that Kunz had better not attempt to drive in New York, Boston,
or any number of cities in our great nation, or she might be tempted
to write a series of books about her flabbergasting yet irrelevant experiences
with such savages. She’d better not leave Buffalo at all, really, but
I have a feeling that’s not going to happen anyway.
there’s Mary’s insipid “Buzz” column, which was always dumb but didn’t
annoy me quite so much before her emergence as WNY’s new dunce of prominence.
Check out this line from her latest: “When did Edritos close? What is
Buffalo coming to when a cheap taco joint can't make a buck?”
Edritos didn’t close—they moved, to Main St. downtown; not because they
weren’t making money, but because their lease ran out and their landlord
chose not to extend it. You would know that, of course, if you were
a real Elmwood strip regular, instead of a sheltered suburban imposter
there’s this line: “Jimmie Mac's [sic], which just can't accept
the new non-smoking laws, has taped big signs about freedom to its windows.
What is this place, the Rosa Parks of gin mills? Buzz's advice: Have
a beer and get over yourselves.”
quote is an example of a running theme in Mary’s work—people protesting
the government’s policies are just irritating show-offs, and we have
better things to pay attention to. Dissenters should “sit down and shut
up,” as she said in her ill-informed and quasi-fascistic rant against
germ artist Steve Kurtz, the deer-feeding lady, and that guy in Hamburg
who won’t use clear trash bags. "We enjoy demonstrations a bit
too much and too indiscriminately,” she writes. “Fame can be addicting.
And, unfortunately, someone loses his place in the spotlight if he backs
down," Right—Kurtz was really getting off on all the attention.
It gets worse: “It might be
possible to use terrorism books and E. coli in art - but do you really
have to? Can't you just use oils? Especially now that we're at war…?”
Pathetic, ignorant, unsophisticated trash. “I'm not calling for an end
to artistic freedom,” she goes on, “I'm just saying, like a stressed
mom to a naughty tot, that now is not a good time.”
Hear that, everyone? Freedom
of expression is okay, sort of, but not right now, or any other time
when it really counts. She’s not calling for an end to such freedom,
just a brief hiatus until we get this terrorism thing worked out, which
shouldn’t be long, right? Kunz’ troglodytic admonition to Kurtz is not
that of “a stressed mom to a naughty child,” as she says; it’s more
like a retarded cosmetician lecturing…a college professor.
against the grain is just in poor taste in Mary’s book. Except, that
is, for one downtrodden minority, which she happens to be a member of—Republicans.
Everyone I know who had the misfortune of reading Kunz’ “humorous” fluffaganda
column of August 3 entitled “Dirty secret revealed: I'm a Republican!”
had to remark upon its sheer banality and utter stupidity. Kunz, obviously
disgusted with the inclusive language of the Democratic National Convention,
decided it would be humorous to “come out” as a Republican, as if she
were gay—revealing a deep misunderstanding of the level of social rejection
gay people face, and her own obvious prejudices regarding them. Kunz
gleefully declares her opposition to abortion and support for the war
in Iraq. She also seems to think we’re surprised. “My confession,” she
declares, “must come as a shock to many. People think to be a Republican
you have to drive a pickup. They think you can't like decent music.”
Actually, Mary, we just think you have to be ignorant, intolerant, and
narrow-minded. Or extremely rich.
Kunz, if you want to be surrounded by naïve Bush-boosters such as yourself,
go back to the suburbs (I hear they drive nicer too). You see, urban
people have a rich variety of experience, which leads to a more nuanced
understanding of societal issues.
look at a map of red and blue counties, you can see that it’s the cities
that are blue, throughout the nation, floating in a sea of sparsely
populated rural redness. The reason behind this is the same reason that
most professors and journalists are liberals: they actually know
what they’re talking about. On the other hand, it must be nice to
dispense with all of that knowledge, and just adopt an opinion based
on whatever makes you most comfortable. And now there are those great
cable news channels to help you along!
again, speaking of cable news, maybe the Buffalo News is way ahead of
me here. Perhaps Kunz is their “Fair and Balanced” decoy, the Democrat’s
equivalent of the lame-ass “liberal” ambulatory props found on Fox News
and MSNBC, legitimizing biased news sources with ineffective, easily
dismissed ‘opposing’ arguments. Is Kunz the News’ smugger version of
Alan Colmes? Or is she a genuine lobotomized Ann Coulter? Whatever the
truth may be, she’s sure making Donn Esmonde and Jeff Simon look good.
Hell, Kunz even makes Cal Thomas seem smart. And she also makes The
BEAST look, well, like the most thoughtful, well-researched and literate
paper in town. Not saying much, perhaps.
a beer on me, Mary, and get over yourself. Your insipid bullshit will
always make me feel better—about me. There’s no point in denying it,
though; you will always have an audience as long as you continue to
be an idiot. You’re the kind of writer that idiots love—provincial and
smirky, substituting flippance for substance. It makes sense that you’re
a Republican, since the President is probably the only politician out
there whose logic you can follow.
and shut up, you dumb Kunz. I hate you!