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2004 The Beast


Earlier this month scientists at the Institute of Douche bag Research unveiled disturbing evidence that proves "Wilson Farms is a breading ground for douche bags." The I.D.R. study defines the douche bag as " A species of uptight parasites with a penchant for bad sandwiches, malt liquor, lottery tickets, conservatism and buggery, who will, in the proper environmental conditions completely take over an entire ecosystem." The douche bag species finds its origin in the Netherlands laboratories of the Ahold corporation (parent company of Wilson Farms and Tops Markets L.L.C.) which is known to employ nazi geneticists. According to the I.D.R "Once the douche bag parasite has entered a Wilson Farms employee, possibly at orientation, that person effectively becomes a walking, talking douche bag."
At first the I.D.R limited the phenomenon to cashiers, yet as more data became available, " It became all too clear that Wilson Farms is swarming with douche bags, from middle management all the way up." The study relies heavily on first hand accounts of ex-employees like Shivon Johnson who claim "The manager was always looking at me weird and saying stuff like he was gonna steal my essence. And I was like oh no you didn't! And he said "SLEEP", like real loud and when I woke up I smelled really weird, and he was gone. Three days later I gave birth to a douche bag" Scientists have been unable to explain exactly how this came to be saying "Frankly, we are all baffled but the evidence speaks for itself." The Institute's most recent article published in Scientific American warns that the douche bag epidemic may be infectious and that "Customers are not immune." Wilson Farms has disregarded the Institute's findings claiming that "We are not, nor have we ever been douchebags- we have never been anything but fucking pricks."


Starbucks Coffee has lately come under fire from the animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for what the activist group has dubbed "Some of the most abhorrent and unconscionable abuses of animals rights ever witnessed." The group asserts that Starbucks uses animals in every capacity imaginable, "from powering bean grinders to testing coffee temperature in order to cut costs and increase revenue." "Most of these animals are people's pets, children's pets, stolen from backyards all across America," asserts PETA spokesman Mark Wolfeshiem. PETA has rescued scores of traumatized and caffeine-addicted animals from hundreds of Starbucks worldwide. The group claims it "will not stop pressuring Starbucks to end its ring of animal slave labor." "The allegations come as no surprise to anyone who has ever worked for Starbucks, and has seen for themselves how cruelly that company operates," said a local Starbucks employee we interviewed, who told us her name was "Susan." Susan went on to tell us that "at the Starbucks I work at we have a team of sickly dogs that run after a dangling bagel to work the generator, and a pig we pour the coffee onto to see if it's too hot. At the end of the night, we sweep the floor right into the vats of coffee. Its really gross." Local health department officials seem to have turned a blind eye to the company's practices. Starbucks has released a very brief statement to the media which states, "we at Starbucks are proud of our ingenuity, and by cutting costs however we can, we pass the savings on to our customers." During the next fiscal quarter, Starbucks plans to lower the price of coffee to $6 a cup.



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