Ready to Rumble: RNC Permit Flap - Matt Higgins

Osama Bin Laden: The BEAST Interview- Matt Taibbi

Brain Pollution: Polluters Outsource PR to Buffalo News- Chuck Richardson

Closet Governor: America's Gay Panic - Eric Gauchat

I Hate You: Mary Kunz, Vessel of Mediocrity - Donnie Dobovich

Do the White Thing: Is the BEAST Racist?

Rick James' Death: "Disappointingly Normal"- Josh Righter

Great Moments in Propaganda

Special Ad Section (funny!)


Buffalo in Briefs

Libel Corner: Wilson Farms Douchebag Findings, Starbucks Animal Cruelty

_:30 - Commercial Analysis - Ken Barnes

Notes from the Big House


Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - your letters



Ask Dr. Rotten: Growing your best bud

Mistress Monique: Sex Advice


I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley


Kino Korner

Spotlight Review: The Corporation - Chuck Richardson


AudioFiles: J-Zone, Lil Wayne, Garden State


Archives--Old BEASTs

Contact Us


© 2004 The Beast



Name: The Dream Team

Turn-ons: Slam Dunks, SUVs, Attention, European bitches

Turn-offs: 3-pointers, passing, rape trials, getting beat by scrawny foreigners

How We Got To Be THE BEAST PAGE 3 OVERPAID CHUMPS: It was bound to happen sooner or later. You can’t just win all the time, or you get lazy. Coach told us to get used to the internatinal rules, but we figured, you know, we’re the shit, these funny-talking faggots don’t stand a chance, right? Then we get our asses handed to us, 93-74, by the friggin’ Puerto Ricans. The Puerto Ricans! Well, at least it wasn’t Holland or some shit.

Future Plans: Go back home and nurse our wounds in our diamond-encrusted platinum Jacuzzis with seven hookers each and a nice fat blizzunt, you dig? It’s not like losing means shit anyway; we’re rolling in it! We’d also like to avoid having to hear the phrase “Nightmare Team” is possible, because that’s a really clumsy pun and it sounds clunky. How about “Ream Team” instead?

How We Would Like To Be Remembered: As the last US basketball team to come so close to beating the Puerto Ricans. As yet another dwindling icon of US global superiority. As some really tall, rich dudes, whose knees still work right.

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