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2004 The Beast

Rick James, also known as the "Super Freak" for his breakout 1981 hit of the same name, was found dead in his Los Angeles home on Friday of "existing medical conditions", according to his death certificate, a fact that has disappointed many familiar with James' infamous exploits with drugs and women, popularized by comedian Dave Chappelle on his Comedy Central television show.

"He didn't even die of a cocaine overdose or anything?" said one LA man in disbelief. "Boy, what a boring end to an exciting, hilarious life."

"He was always saying, 'Cocaine's a hell of a drug,' and then he goes and dies of a freaking medical conditions?" said another LA resident. "That just doesn't cut it, Rick. You've disappointed all your fans."

When questioned, the woman clarified that she was not a fan of James' music, but rather the "wacky stories" about his life.

"Haha, I'm Rick James, bitch!" said a college-aged male when asked for his reaction of James' death, repeating a popular catch phrase of James' made popular by Chappelle's Show."I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm Rick James, bitch!"

When asked for clarification, the man replied that he was Rick James -- despite the fact that he had just been told Rick James was dead -- and then called our reporter a "bitch".

Dr. James Swartman, a sociologist at the University Of Pennsylvania, explained that James' death could not be anything other than disappointing, due to his well-publicized life of debauchery.

"I think I speak for everyone when I say I expected Rick James to eventually die with eight grams of coke packed up his nose, or maybe stabbed in the heart by a woman he was attempting to sodomize," he said. "Having the Super Freak die of something so unfreaky is a psychological letdown."

"Haha, I'm Rick James, bitch!" President Bush said in a statement on James' death. "I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm Rick James, bitch!"

The President did bring up an interesting point: with James dead, it's possible that the viability of saying that one is Rick James could diminish in time, forcing many people to find a new catch phrase to repeat over and over, disregarding the context of the situation at hand, until it becomes so incredibly stale and predictable that no one except themselves and similarly-minded peers wants to hear it anymore.

"I definitely think that's possible," agreed Swartman. "With Rick James out of the way, the road is paved for a new popular catch-phrase, like the one I'm currently trying to start: 'I'm Dr. James Swartman, dude!' Haha! Just...just listen to it. I'm Dr. James Swartman, dude! Ha! It's so full of attitude!"

But although Swartman's phrase may not be catching on, a survey of college campuses across the nation did reveal a desire for a replacement of the late James' infectious trademark.

"Ever since I heard that Rick James died and my friends stopped laughing whenever I said 'I'm Rick James, bitch,' I've noticed that I've been a lot less funny lately," said one Penn State youth, furrowing his brow. "It's almost like I've run out of material. Cripes, I hope I haven't lost my comic edge already!"

"Beep, beep," said another student in a monotone. "Awaiting input, beep. Insert humorous line taken from elsewhere here."

Others, more ambitious, are attempting to craft their own phrases in the void.

"I'm...somebody," said a student at the New York University during an intense creating session. "Who? Who could I be?"

"I'm Nelson Mandela, bitch!" said another, trying it out for size on an image of himself in the mirror.

But James' catch phrase aside, most are united in their hope that James' relatively unspectacular death does not set a precedent for other celebrities like him.

"If Courtney Love eventually dies in her sleep or something, I'm seriously going to be pissed," said the LA man. "That would really be too much to handle."


Josh Righter is Head Honcho at enduringvision.com, a webpage of satire, and also love.



 

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