James, also known as the "Super Freak" for his breakout
1981 hit of the same name, was found dead in his Los Angeles home on
Friday of "existing medical conditions", according to his
death certificate, a fact that has disappointed many familiar with James'
infamous exploits with drugs and women, popularized by comedian Dave
Chappelle on his Comedy Central television show.
"He didn't even die of a cocaine overdose or anything?"
said one LA man in disbelief. "Boy, what a boring end to an exciting,
"He was always saying, 'Cocaine's a hell of a drug,'
and then he goes and dies of a freaking medical conditions?" said
another LA resident. "That just doesn't cut it, Rick. You've disappointed
all your fans."
When questioned, the woman clarified that she was not
a fan of James' music, but rather the "wacky stories" about
"Haha, I'm Rick James, bitch!" said a college-aged
male when asked for his reaction of James' death, repeating a popular
catch phrase of James' made popular by Chappelle's Show."I'm Rick
James, bitch! I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm Rick
When asked for clarification, the man replied that he
was Rick James -- despite the fact that he had just been told Rick James
was dead -- and then called our reporter a "bitch".
Dr. James Swartman, a sociologist at the University Of
Pennsylvania, explained that James' death could not be anything other
than disappointing, due to his well-publicized life of debauchery.
"I think I speak for everyone when I say I expected
Rick James to eventually die with eight grams of coke packed up his
nose, or maybe stabbed in the heart by a woman he was attempting to
sodomize," he said. "Having the Super Freak die of something
so unfreaky is a psychological letdown."
"Haha, I'm Rick James, bitch!" President Bush
said in a statement on James' death. "I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm
Rick James, bitch!"
The President did bring up an interesting point: with
James dead, it's possible that the viability of saying that one is Rick
James could diminish in time, forcing many people to find a new catch
phrase to repeat over and over, disregarding the context of the situation
at hand, until it becomes so incredibly stale and predictable that no
one except themselves and similarly-minded peers wants to hear it anymore.
"I definitely think that's possible," agreed
Swartman. "With Rick James out of the way, the road is paved for
a new popular catch-phrase, like the one I'm currently trying to start:
'I'm Dr. James Swartman, dude!' Haha! Just...just listen to it. I'm
Dr. James Swartman, dude! Ha! It's so full of attitude!"
But although Swartman's phrase may not be catching on,
a survey of college campuses across the nation did reveal a desire for
a replacement of the late James' infectious trademark.
"Ever since I heard that Rick James died and my friends
stopped laughing whenever I said 'I'm Rick James, bitch,' I've noticed
that I've been a lot less funny lately," said one Penn State youth,
furrowing his brow. "It's almost like I've run out of material.
Cripes, I hope I haven't lost my comic edge already!"
"Beep, beep," said another student in a monotone.
"Awaiting input, beep. Insert humorous line taken from elsewhere
Others, more ambitious, are attempting to craft their
own phrases in the void.
"I'm...somebody," said a student at the New
York University during an intense creating session. "Who? Who could
"I'm Nelson Mandela, bitch!" said another, trying
it out for size on an image of himself in the mirror.
But James' catch phrase aside, most are united in their
hope that James' relatively unspectacular death does not set a precedent
for other celebrities like him.
"If Courtney Love eventually dies in her sleep or
something, I'm seriously going to be pissed," said the LA man.
"That would really be too much to handle."
Josh Righter is Head Honcho at enduringvision.com,
“a webpage of satire, and also love.”