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2004 The Beast

by Andrew Gullerstein


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, there are boring people in this world and then there is you. The average person can have a more exciting and fruitful conversation with a Teddy Ruxpin doll than with you. Your bottle cap collection, however extensive, is of very little interest to any but a select few extremely boring people and even they don't care for your "Bottle cap manufacture and its effect on Western Civilization" thesis. I have great fear that one day you will collapse in on yourself and become a Black Hole from which no charisma can escape. Please Leo, take up a new hobby before it is too late. Look to Venus for your answers, Leo; if you even joined a book club it would be like anyone else skydiving.


 Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, I have been giving it a lot of thought, and still believe The Bare Naked Ladies really suck. I've been nice about it in the past, but your obsession with that shitty band is really creepy. In fact, anyone who is President of a fan club is creepy, but you bring it to a new level. That time you downloaded a thirty-eight second sound bite of their new song from the band's website and played it over and over while demanding feedback from everyone in the room ushered in a new era in the history of the Fan-boy phenomenon. Your moon is in Uranus, Virgo, so move forward with caution, because the next time you pull out one of your "mix albums" it might just end up in your ass.


 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, perhaps the reason you haven't gotten a call back from that lovely young woman you took to dinner last week has something to do with the fact that you brought up the use of ass beads before the drinks had arrived. Sexual depravity is perfectly fine, but at least make it past the first date before laying the framework. Ass beads are a delicate subject, and not something you remove from your breast pocket and place on the bread plate. Having a name for each bead on the string wasn't a strong opening argument for date/relationship progression either. Look to Neptune for wisdom, Libra; the anus is a sore subject for most.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

So Scorpio, you've come back to town even more broken than you left. Have you finally realized that crack is not good for you? Have you hit the barren and rock-laden bottom yet, or are you still walking the same path? Not that long ago, you had everything going for you, which was far more than you deserved, and still you burned it all away with that little glass pipe. Now you are lucky to have a floor to sleep on. There was a time that I would have held out my cosmic hand and helped you up, but now I must leave you there. Even the most forgiving souls grow tired of being spat upon. Don't look to the stars for help, Scorpio; only the person in the mirror can help you now. His name is Maestro Gorgonzola.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Everyone enjoys a good fart, Sagittarius, but that job interview wasn't the proper venue for your intestinal air show. Wasn't it enough that you lifted your entire right ass cheek off the chair to release the monster? You had to make the "Well, that's gonna leave a mark" comment? That poor bastard was locked in a 6'x8' office with your internal stench, a smell not unlike that of a long-dead ox. Suffice to say, Sagittarius, I don't think you'll be getting a call back for a second interview. Nor will anyone else, until the Hazmat crew can give the all clear.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Oh Capricorn, what wonderful news I have for you! Actually, I don't have shit for you. When I asked the stars what the next few weeks had in store for you the answer was something like, "Tell Capricorn to suck it, because we're tired of Capricorn's need for constant positive reinforcement." Even Jupiter wants nothing to do with you, and Jupiter likes everybody. So that is really all I have for you; try to have a good month and don't eat any mashed potatoes.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Aquarius, it's time to calm down. High school gymnasiums burn down all the time, and the chance that the fire will be traced back to you is very remote. It's not like you were being videotaped with a brand new Canon z-65 Digital Camcorder with an impressive 20x Optical Zoom. With a camera like that, someone could be far enough away not to be seen, yet still able to catch that mad look in your eyes as you lit that pile of pom-poms as the catalyst. If that were the case, I would be very nervous, but not you; you're free as a bird, Aquarius. So chill out and relax, and look to the hot alluring surface of Mercury; it's not like you will be receiving an anonymous package containing a tape of choice edits and a requested dollar amount with a date and drop point. Why worry?


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

What is wrong with you, Pisces, sitting at the coffee shop dressed in all white while drinking tea and reading an issue of Barron's? You look like the inspiration for a sleazy Willem DaFoe character, right down to those preppy sandals. You sit and "read" while discreetly glancing around to see if anyone notices you. Maybe if you thought about it long enough, you would figure out why you're always at a table for one. Jesus, you're just as bad as the jackass on the unicycle. I have conferred with the stars, and the consensus is that you stop being such an asshead. Look to Pluto for insight, Pisces, and realize that there is someone out there for you, but you might not find her until you start being yourself and wear that Incredible Hulk t-shirt you love so much.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, what were thinking when you bought that ugly "Scion" piece of shit? Of all the ugly cars of late it is by far the ugliest. Did you really believe those commercials with the hip people driving around in it? Go outside, look at your new car, and think about the cinderblock-based design you bought into. It's not the car that makes you cool, Aries; it's you. However, in your case, I hope you are rich. Do me a favor: the next time you come over, don't park in front of my house; it brings shame.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

So now you're all angry, Taurus because the last issue's Beast-O-Scope for you was harsh. But when you started reading into every other sign's forecast and finding references to yourself, that was a little crazy. I just want you to stand up for yourself. If you choose to identify your hurt with what was said there is nothing I can do about it. You think I hate you and am going off on "half" the story. Well, I don't hate you and if I only have "half" the story it's because you only give "half" the story. There are no apologies here, Taurus; maybe if you think it through you will stop thinking "I hurt because of what my friends say," and realize "My friends say these things because I hurt." The metaphoric ball is in your court Taurus; listen to the demons of low self-esteem and paranoia or listen to what you know at your core. We often see what we want to see, but ultimately the choice is ours. Run with the Gods, Taurus, and remember, "I've Always Known!"


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, normally I support the recreational activities of others, but what's with the unicycle? Is your need for attention that pathetic? Do you honestly think that stupid clown trick is a good icebreaker? Just so you are aware, NOBODY wants to talk to the unicycle guy, because an uncomfortable one-wheeled bike makes for uncomfortable conversation. In fact, it carries the same street cred as the guy who wanders the sidewalks talking aloud about being "God's Soldier." You may get attention, but only after you've rolled uncontrollably into a busy intersection and gotten clipped by an oversized SUV. Look to Mars for guidance, Gemini, then go buy a real bike-and if I ever catch you on a Segway, you're dead.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, The only thing more despicable than you being a collection agent is the way you try to trick me into revealing my identity by pretending to be a friend. The "Hey Andrew how's it going" shtick simply forces me into the old Asian man character you've driven me to perfect. If you had not chosen to become my nemesis, we could probably have developed a comedy routine of the likes of Martin and Lewis. Instead, you have chosen a low-income career of making poor people feel like shit. Shame on you for being such a rude little prick on the phone, Cancer-and no, I'm not home.



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