by
Andrew Gullerstein
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Leo,
there are boring people in this world and then there is you. The average
person can have a more exciting and fruitful conversation with a Teddy
Ruxpin doll than with you. Your bottle cap collection, however extensive,
is of very little interest to any but a select few extremely boring
people and even they don't care for your "Bottle cap manufacture
and its effect on Western Civilization" thesis. I have great fear
that one day you will collapse in on yourself and become a Black Hole
from which no charisma can escape. Please Leo, take up a new hobby before
it is too late. Look to Venus for your answers, Leo; if you even joined
a book club it would be like anyone else skydiving.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Virgo,
I have been giving it a lot of thought, and still believe The Bare Naked
Ladies really suck. I've been nice about it in the past, but your obsession
with that shitty band is really creepy. In fact, anyone who is President
of a fan club is creepy, but you bring it to a new level. That time
you downloaded a thirty-eight second sound bite of their new song from
the band's website and played it over and over while demanding feedback
from everyone in the room ushered in a new era in the history of the
Fan-boy phenomenon. Your moon is in Uranus, Virgo, so move forward with
caution, because the next time you pull out one of your "mix albums"
it might just end up in your ass.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Libra,
perhaps the reason you haven't gotten a call back from that lovely young
woman you took to dinner last week has something to do with the fact
that you brought up the use of ass beads before the drinks had arrived.
Sexual depravity is perfectly fine, but at least make it past the first
date before laying the framework. Ass beads are a delicate subject,
and not something you remove from your breast pocket and place on the
bread plate. Having a name for each bead on the string wasn't a strong
opening argument for date/relationship progression either. Look to Neptune
for wisdom, Libra; the anus is a sore subject for most.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 22)
So
Scorpio, you've come back to town even more broken than you left. Have
you finally realized that crack is not good for you? Have you hit the
barren and rock-laden bottom yet, or are you still walking the same
path? Not that long ago, you had everything going for you, which was
far more than you deserved, and still you burned it all away with that
little glass pipe. Now you are lucky to have a floor to sleep on. There
was a time that I would have held out my cosmic hand and helped you
up, but now I must leave you there. Even the most forgiving souls grow
tired of being spat upon. Don't look to the stars for help, Scorpio;
only the person in the mirror can help you now. His name is Maestro
Gorgonzola.
Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21)
Everyone
enjoys a good fart, Sagittarius, but that job interview wasn't the proper
venue for your intestinal air show. Wasn't it enough that you lifted
your entire right ass cheek off the chair to release the monster? You
had to make the "Well, that's gonna leave a mark" comment?
That poor bastard was locked in a 6'x8' office with your internal stench,
a smell not unlike that of a long-dead ox. Suffice to say, Sagittarius,
I don't think you'll be getting a call back for a second interview.
Nor will anyone else, until the Hazmat crew can give the all clear.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Oh
Capricorn, what wonderful news I have for you! Actually, I don't have
shit for you. When I asked the stars what the next few weeks had in
store for you the answer was something like, "Tell Capricorn to
suck it, because we're tired of Capricorn's need for constant positive
reinforcement." Even Jupiter wants nothing to do with you, and
Jupiter likes everybody. So that is really all I have for you; try to
have a good month and don't eat any mashed potatoes.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19)
Aquarius,
it's time to calm down. High school gymnasiums burn down all the time,
and the chance that the fire will be traced back to you is very remote.
It's not like you were being videotaped with a brand new Canon z-65
Digital Camcorder with an impressive 20x Optical Zoom. With a camera
like that, someone could be far enough away not to be seen, yet still
able to catch that mad look in your eyes as you lit that pile of pom-poms
as the catalyst. If that were the case, I would be very nervous, but
not you; you're free as a bird, Aquarius. So chill out and relax, and
look to the hot alluring surface of Mercury; it's not like you will
be receiving an anonymous package containing a tape of choice edits
and a requested dollar amount with a date and drop point. Why worry?
Pisces
(February 20 - March 20)
What
is wrong with you, Pisces, sitting at the coffee shop dressed in all
white while drinking tea and reading an issue of Barron's? You look
like the inspiration for a sleazy Willem DaFoe character, right down
to those preppy sandals. You sit and "read" while discreetly
glancing around to see if anyone notices you. Maybe if you thought about
it long enough, you would figure out why you're always at a table for
one. Jesus, you're just as bad as the jackass on the unicycle. I have
conferred with the stars, and the consensus is that you stop being such
an asshead. Look to Pluto for insight, Pisces, and realize that there
is someone out there for you, but you might not find her until you start
being yourself and wear that Incredible Hulk t-shirt you love so much.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
Aries,
what were thinking when you bought that ugly "Scion" piece
of shit? Of all the ugly cars of late it is by far the ugliest. Did
you really believe those commercials with the hip people driving around
in it? Go outside, look at your new car, and think about the cinderblock-based
design you bought into. It's not the car that makes you cool, Aries;
it's you. However, in your case, I hope you are rich. Do me a favor:
the next time you come over, don't park in front of my house; it brings
shame.
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
So
now you're all angry, Taurus because the last issue's Beast-O-Scope
for you was harsh. But when you started reading into every other sign's
forecast and finding references to yourself, that was a little crazy.
I just want you to stand up for yourself. If you choose to identify
your hurt with what was said there is nothing I can do about it. You
think I hate you and am going off on "half" the story. Well,
I don't hate you and if I only have "half" the story it's
because you only give "half" the story. There are no apologies
here, Taurus; maybe if you think it through you will stop thinking "I
hurt because of what my friends say," and realize "My friends
say these things because I hurt." The metaphoric ball is in your
court Taurus; listen to the demons of low self-esteem and paranoia or
listen to what you know at your core. We often see what we want to see,
but ultimately the choice is ours. Run with the Gods, Taurus, and remember,
"I've Always Known!"
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini,
normally I support the recreational activities of others, but what's
with the unicycle? Is your need for attention that pathetic? Do you
honestly think that stupid clown trick is a good icebreaker? Just so
you are aware, NOBODY wants to talk to the unicycle guy, because an
uncomfortable one-wheeled bike makes for uncomfortable conversation.
In fact, it carries the same street cred as the guy who wanders the
sidewalks talking aloud about being "God's Soldier." You may
get attention, but only after you've rolled uncontrollably into a busy
intersection and gotten clipped by an oversized SUV. Look to Mars for
guidance, Gemini, then go buy a real bike-and if I ever catch you on
a Segway, you're dead.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Cancer,
The only thing more despicable than you being a collection agent is
the way you try to trick me into revealing my identity by pretending
to be a friend. The "Hey Andrew how's it going" shtick simply
forces me into the old Asian man character you've driven me to perfect.
If you had not chosen to become my nemesis, we could probably have developed
a comedy routine of the likes of Martin and Lewis. Instead, you have
chosen a low-income career of making poor people feel like shit. Shame
on you for being such a rude little prick on the phone, Cancer-and no,
I'm not home.
