The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

--your letters

GET THEE TO A GUNNERY

Dear Beasts:

I read the Beast as I sit,

though my friends call me a twit.

You're still quite crude,

lascivious and rude,

but your political coverage's hot shit.

I have one question. Why is Kerry, on the cover of your #55, waving an AK-47? Why not a good old all-american M-16? Are you guys commies or something.

JWS

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Dear JWS,

Like we know from guns. Actually, the AK was a trophy from Kerry’s war hero days, when he picked it up off a VC 12-year-old he shot in the back.

SON OF VIETNAMNESIA

Vietnam ended April 30th 1975. We bombed the NVA commies back to the Paris peace talks with Linebacker II. Major combat operations for U.S. troops ended April 1st 1973. It's over damn it. It's over.The Gulf of Tonkin Incident in 1964 with the destroyers USS Maddox and USS Turner Joy being attacked by North Vietnamese patrol boats firing torpedoes never happened. Congress got fooled into signing the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution in 1965. LJB and McNamara got us more involved in the war. The VC (Viet Cong's) Tet offensive of 1968 was a devastating failure for the VC and they seized to be a coherent fighting force, but commies like Walter Cronkite told them America public on national television that the war was basically a quagmire. The secret deal behind the war was an agreement to end the threat of nuclear weapons use by the super powers. To reunite East and West Germany. We also did want natural resources from Indo China. Yes, the war could have been won, but what if it led to WW III. After all it was NATO versus the Warsaw Pact countries. A possible nuclear exchange over Vietnam. The same could have been said about Korea. General McArthur wanted to nuke the hell out of the Chinese after we drove the North Korean's all the way over the Yalu River into China. China them came at us with hundreds of thousand of troops. Maybe if so many American's weren't so God damn stupid they would know this.

Ten year Navy veteran 1982-1992

I appaud the veteran's of the Korean and Vietnam war. They did not die in vain. We stuck a huge spear through the heart of socialism and Communism.

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Dear Angry War Hero,

Hoo-eee! Good thing we got rid of that socialism stuff over in East Asia there! Otherwise, who the hell’s gonna make our sneakers for $12 a week? Yee-hah! Won’t be long ‘fore that evil socialism’s gonna be all gone here, too! No more health care or retirement benefits for Americans, neither—damn lazy old people. And disabled veterans—don’t get me started on them freeloaders! Thank God there’s people like you and George Bush to get them precious tax dollars back to where they belong—in the hands of the super-wealthy!

Don’t sweat it, though, Adam; we’re sure the kind people of Buffalo will throw enough cash in your hat to keep you too knocked out on Mad Dog to realize you’re freezing to death. Freezing patriotically, of course.

MISSPELLED MISANTHROPY

Well im glad to see that you whining punks agree with me, though my very long sentece/statement, was a bit like stating the obvious, I was simply trying to throw my 2 cents in with a solution. Enough of this stand offishness by our fair citezens. (LISTEN TO ME ) simple stern verbal or written warnings obviously don't work for the theiving lawmakers in this depressed region, some times you have to slap sence into the ignorant. My solution is a most simple, MUTANY!!....

Get your asses off the couch and go to home depot.

GUTS.

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Dear GUTS,

You first.

IN JAGGED DEATH SCRAWL ON A LIST OF CHEAT CODES

Can it be that ‘the Beast’ of Buffalo has been ‘Buffaloed’..?

The bible says “Be aware of the adversary – the devil, whom walketh around as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour”…

Surely you jest…depicting Mr. Cameron ‘crucified’…for sin.

Although I differ in some of his viewpoints – and tend to disagree at times regarding some of his theology…think of what he gave up to believe and teach…biblically ‘written’ hope in ‘eternity’…of immortality…and death conquered….defeated (finished).

“and Death and Hell was cast in the lake of fire.” – Revelations

All because someone as ‘a’ substitute…took ‘our’ place on the cross…bearing ‘our’ deserved punishment. ‘One’ whom live ‘a’ perfect life…without sin.

One may question the validity of the bible as a written source of information – on Life and death – and concerning Life after Death, but ‘what’ can we find as a replacement?

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Dear Simpleton,

How about reality? You may prefer to live in ‘a’ land of make-believe, ‘but’ that doesn’t oblige ‘us’ to respect ‘it.’ And “surely you jest?” of course we jest, dummy. Try reading a different book for once.

PHANTOM HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER

whoever made that artwork with shitbauer in the diaper deserves a raise.

-Chris Riordan

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Dear Chris,

Well, we did relax his beating schedule.

OH SHUT UP

Dude:

For one who possesses such little credence in the validity of Alt Press, I am amused by the time you spend writing about them.

James T. O'Connor

Hamburg, NY

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Dear James,

We “possess little credence in the validity of” nearly everything we write about: Artvoice, The News, Bush, Masiello, Giambra, God, etc. So what? Alt may not be worth bothering with, but…well, they started it. And that article took about fifteen minutes, so don’t wet yourself. Besides, we even got a positive review from the paper’s own staff…

WILL THE TREACHERY NEVER END?

Hey Al,

I read the Beast's slam dunk on Alt today. Alas...you are right sir. Especially on that goo-goo dolls article! I seemed to be the only person who thought his statements were clinically insane!

Anyway, sorry we couldn't hook up that interview. But I think your article kept it real, man. I even told Joe that I thought you were right. I really want him to improve the damn paper, and I think this type of criticism is in a strange sort of way productive criticism.

Great stuff man!

Peace.

Ahmad

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Dear Ahmad,

We thought about not printing your letter, but realized that you’re not really one to keep your opinions to yourself anyway. Sorry we missed you for that interview—keep in touch. Good luck on your journey to the eventual realization that Alt will always suck. If you really want to improve it, try slipping a copy of the BEAST into each issue.

LOOK, WE DON’T WANT THE GUY DEAD OR ANYTHING

Dear Beast,

Hell I didn't even finish Al Uthman's well written article in #55 titled “Puberty and Bad Politics” when it dawned on me that Joe Schmidbauer’s attack directed at the Beast infuriated me.

Whoever allowed this idiot access to a word processor and the position from which he can spew this bullshit should be forced to smoke a quarter ounce of Indiana ditchweed and then guzzle a six-pack of Golden Anniversary beer! Then while under the influence of the worst high known to mankind he could re-think his decisionl

Doesn't this brain-donor realize that it was us beer-swilling, pot-smoking, blue-collar fucks that built this now pathetic city?

Yes, we lowly blue collar slaves enjoy our reality in very large doses.

And now we get our large doses of reality from The- Beast which has quickly become, in my opinion, a voice of the masses.

Us blue-collar types own Harleys and have "old ladies" NOT motorcycles and spouses.

We actually KNOW our neighbors because our houses are close enough that we can actually see and talk to them!

Our cars are all one of just three makes and a half-dozen models, and in most all cases never equal our homes in value.

We have to work overtime to spend our vacations somewheres other than our own backyards.

Which brings me to the GOO GOO DOLLS the band that us blue-collar types love to call our very own from Buffalo. Why in hell would anyone want these guys to get involved in politics? Music is ART and please don't ruin ART with politics mister “Shitbauer” as you are a first-rate moron.

ALT PRESS? Puuulease do not tell me that the "ALT" stands for alternative! Alternative to what? “ALT” should mean ALL LEGAL TRASH!! As being pummeled with bullshit and self-serving rhetoric is hardly a real alternative.

All any Buffalonian need do is fork over their next to last four-bits for that two-bit rag known as the Buffalo News to get a more thorough pummeling than what your pathetic prose delivers.

And you can snicker all you like at this Beast behind bars but you Mr. "Shitbauer" are locked within a prison of your own delusional mentality, from which you will never be freed!

Yeah, it truly sucks to be here in this dump with all these knuckle-dragging cretins, but being "bottomed-out" leaves me only one direction of travel. Upward. I'm going up and you're going down Mr. "Shitbauer"! Hope that you aren't a fag.

And since I am without a fucking thing to lose after my wife divorces me and then takes my life and kid and shitcans them for her own insane reasons, I am the LAST 6'4" 280 pound blue-collar fuck you want standing on your doorstep prepared to defend the last decent thing in his life, and the best journalistic endeavor to ever grace our city.

So listen up numbnuts, my existence is made easier by the boys at THE BEAST so do not fuck with that!

You do have health insurance right?

If you truly must sling some shit why don't you grab yourself a mirror, a very big one.

From the very bottom...

DJ

P.S. Hey Shitbauer maybe you couls join forces with those journalistically castrated douche-bags at ARTVOICE and then you could call the resulting fiasco ALTVOICE for ALTERNATIVE LITERARY TRASH VOICED OVER INTELLIGENCE and CREATIVE ENERGY.

LONG LIVE THE BEAST!!!!!

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Dear DJ,

Amen. But maybe not so much. So that’s two correspondents to stumble upon the delicious “Shitbauer” pun.

CHOP JOB

dear beast-

marc croce, owner of most of franklin street (brownstone, darcy mcgee's, the chophouse, several franklin parking lots and god knows what else) is a money-grubbing asshole. in a capitalist society, this may be applauded, but just like most capitalists, he has risen to prominence by standing on the backs of the minimum-wage earning bastards who work for him.

although i agree that the most evil and idiotic non-elected buffalonian is our own arrogant midget with ill-fitting dentures, jamie moses- marc croce is a close second.

case in point- although many of his restaurants are popular and therefore lucrative "waiting" jobs (by buffalo standards)- he unabashedly steals from his staff. those who have waited tables know that most standard and fair labor practices do not apply to the restaurant business. you make less than minimum wage, are not afforded the luxury of a break (unless you count three drags off a cigarette near the dumpsters), are denied any sort of benefits, and put up with every form of bigotry, abuse and hate that can be muttered out of the earshot of a customer. but mister marc croce prefers to sodomize his staff as opposed to simply starve them. his waiters are required to tip out the hostess', the bus boys, and the bartenders. although this isn't entirely unheard of, the percentages he requires fall between 30 and 40% of his grossly underpaid waitstaff's nightly tips. all of this allows him to underpay the rest of his staff, leaving them to rely on what he steals from his overworked and underpaid waiters (there are no waitress' allowed at the chop house). this is considered illegal by the nys labor board and he has been investigated and found guilty on more than one occassion. however, the fines and ordered compensation have not slowed him down a bit. he continues this practice because when you figure only one in every one hundred staff members complains, he still comes out on top.

as mentioned previously, he also owns many of franklin streets parking areas. although there is an attendant rarely on duty, he has compensated by metering the lots. all of this is fine and legal until you forget to add your quarters and receive what is titled a "parking notice". it comes in a nice bright pink window envelope EXACTLY like buffalo's own orange parking tickets. it is printed on the spot using the same technology as the city, looking EXACTLY like a city issued ticket. it also notes an escalating fine amount based on how long it takes you to pay it. $10 if you pay today, $30 if you pay tomorrow, $75 if you take more than 14 days. all of this is highly illegal according to the attorney general, who found "allright parking" guilty of the same fraud in 2002. i have included the link to the attorney general's statement below. all of those who fall for this scam and it's printed threats are lining the pockets of marc croce. you can even pay your violation online for a mere fee of $2.50, saving him from having to pay another minimum wage employee to open his mail and take it to the bank.

he is also a slobbering, loud, cussing pig that likes to use misogynistic/racial slurs when mad at a staff member for having a piece of lint on their shirt or accidentally leaving even one crumb on a customer's table.

of course, all of his policies and behavior follow a reasonable line of thinking when you realize how well connected he is with the local government officials and mobsters.

please nail this bastard to the wall with your brilliant irreverant paper!

i must beg you to withold my name as my husband is one of his downtrodden minimum wage earning slaves.

ps- he just bought a personal plane that cost him more than half a million dollars

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Dear You,

You left out the worst part—seven dollars for a couple of florets of broccoli! Way to stick it to the man. We have an ugly feeling he’ll be able to suss you out, but that’s not really our problem. Good luck.

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