Features:
Pestering our Overlords: NYC Welcomes the President - Matt Higgins
Greatest American Zero: Sabres Rattle for RNC Cattle- Al Uthman
Purchasing Power to the People: Slogans Sell at RNC Protests- Ken Barnes
Dogfight: The Gendered Degeneration of Politics - Stan Goff
Milk Spilled, Thousands Die: Washington Post Refuses to Cry - Matt Taibbi
Music Download Blues: What to do if You're Busted - Stephanie Cole
Faux-tures:
COBRA Joins Forces With al Qaeda
Barney Frank admits Heterosexual Affair, Resigns- Jake Novak
Local Man Wets Bed, Blames Dog
Racist, Sexist or Ludacris? - a PC Quiz
True Horrors of Local Bureacracy - Jonathon Chance
Ask Dr. Rotten: Growing your best bud
Taste the Truth: our new food column- "Fats" O'Leary
Movies:
Music:
AudioFiles: Hives, Brand Nubian, MF Doom, Rise Against, Dillinger Escape Plan
I Witless News - I. Gonzalez
Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth
Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley
© 2004 The Beast
GI JOE HEADQUARTERS (AP): In a shocking twist on the war on terror, representatives from GI Joe confirmed today that COBRA is now officially collaborating with Islamic terrorist group Al-Qaeda.
Rumors were put to rest today when photos appeared of high-ranking Al-Qaeda officials buying COBRA vehicles and artillery. "We have evidence that Al-Qaeda operatives have purchased COBRA Rattler jets, two S.T.U.N vehicles, a H.I.S.S tank, and several jet pods (AKA 'trouble bubbles')," said Flint, a Colonel in the GI Joe forces.
Joe's computer expert Mainframe also managed to hack into a COBRA network, uncovering alarming photos of Cobra Commander with Osama Bin Laden, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks in New York. "We have every reason to believe these photos are authentic," said Gen. Hawk, one of the highest-ranking GI Joe officers. Other photos include Destro enjoying a cocktail with Bin Laden, and audio surveillance recorded COBRA sabotage expert Firefly meeting with Al-Qaeda militants.
Reactions around the base were mixed; higher-ranking GI Joe officers were more optimistic, while infantrymen were less so. "Obviously, this thickens the plot in regards to our ongoing battle with COBRA. It will make our task more difficult, but I'm sure we will prevail both in this and the war on terror," said Duke, a Senior GI Joe commander. "Man, Cobra was bad, but this just makes me sad," said Roadblock, a heavy gunner. "We'll stop them all, God willing, but now COBRA and the towelheads are doing the killing!" Martial Arts expert Quick Kick said, "Chinese stars and nunchucks are no match for a dirty bomb."
While this is only the first of such news, many experts fear what damage COBRA's collaboration with Al-Qaeda may bring about. "COBRA's success record isn't that impressive, but the potential for evil is multiplied when micro-managed by a more structured organization (Al-Qaieda)," Gen. Hawk said. "They could have Zartan walk into the UN as a delegate, Dr. Mindbender could be working on some kind of mind control device; we can only hope Storm Shadow isn't involved in hand-to-hand combat training. I'd better call Sgt. Slaughter."
GI Joe commanders pledged full cooperation with FBI, Homeland Security and CIA officials. "We will do all we can to stop this ongoing threat," pledged Duke.
