JOE HEADQUARTERS (AP): In a shocking twist on the war on terror, representatives
from GI Joe confirmed today that COBRA is now officially collaborating
with Islamic terrorist group Al-Qaeda.
Rumors were put to rest today when photos appeared of
high-ranking Al-Qaeda officials buying COBRA vehicles and artillery.
"We have evidence that Al-Qaeda operatives have purchased COBRA
Rattler jets, two S.T.U.N vehicles, a H.I.S.S tank, and several jet
pods (AKA 'trouble bubbles')," said Flint, a Colonel in the GI
Joe's computer expert Mainframe also managed to hack
into a COBRA network, uncovering alarming photos of Cobra Commander
with Osama Bin Laden, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks in New
York. "We have every reason to believe these photos are authentic,"
said Gen. Hawk, one of the highest-ranking GI Joe officers. Other photos
include Destro enjoying a cocktail with Bin Laden, and audio surveillance
recorded COBRA sabotage expert Firefly meeting with Al-Qaeda militants.
Reactions around the base were mixed; higher-ranking
GI Joe officers were more optimistic, while infantrymen were less so.
"Obviously, this thickens the plot in regards to our ongoing battle
with COBRA. It will make our task more difficult, but I'm sure we will
prevail both in this and the war on terror," said Duke, a Senior
GI Joe commander. "Man, Cobra was bad, but this just makes me sad,"
said Roadblock, a heavy gunner. "We'll stop them all, God willing,
but now COBRA and the towelheads are doing the killing!" Martial
Arts expert Quick Kick said, "Chinese stars and nunchucks are no
match for a dirty bomb."
While this is only the first of such news, many experts
fear what damage COBRA's collaboration with Al-Qaeda may bring about.
"COBRA's success record isn't that impressive, but the potential
for evil is multiplied when micro-managed by a more structured organization
(Al-Qaieda)," Gen. Hawk said. "They could have Zartan walk
into the UN as a delegate, Dr. Mindbender could be working on some kind
of mind control device; we can only hope Storm Shadow isn't involved
in hand-to-hand combat training. I'd better call Sgt. Slaughter."
GI Joe commanders pledged full cooperation with FBI,
Homeland Security and CIA officials. "We will do all we can to
stop this ongoing threat," pledged Duke.