Congressman Barney Frank, long known as the sole openly gay member of
Congress, choked back tears this morning as he admitted to having a
love affair with a woman.
"As a young politician, and coming up through the
ranks as a gay activist, I always questioned my identity," said
Frank at a hastily-arranged news conference from his office in Washington,
"but there comes a time in every person's life when they must look
deeply into the mirror of one's soul, and now that I've done that, I
have to say that I dig chicks!"
Frank added that he feels bad for betraying his constituents
and his loved ones, and feels the only proper course of action is to
"My supporters in Brookline and Cambridge have supported
me for decades for one reason, and one reason alone... they thought
I was gay," he said. "Now, I've let them down. The good news
is that being gay isn't as avant garde as it was in the 70's, so if
they really want to support someone who rubs the rest of America the
wrong way, they can always vote for someone with a sex change, or that
bitchy broad from 'The Apprentice'."
But political experts and cynics are wondering if the
timing of the announcement wasn't somehow a plot to boost John Kerry's
hopes of gaining the White House.
"First Kerry votes for the war in Iraq, then they
put on a pro-military convention that would have made Joe McCarthy proud,
and now they tell us Barney Frank is straight? Geez, what's next --
dumping John Edwards and putting Dick Cheney on the ticket?" asked
Larry Sabato of the University of Virginia. "I know they're trying
to grab the Joe Six-Pack vote, but this is ridiculous."
Republican leaders are similarly miffed.
"This is not good news for us," complained RNC
Chairman Ed Gillespie. "We get at least $50,000 a day in donations
every time we show Frank's picture at our rallies and talk about the
Democrats in Washington attacking God's values. This is going to hurt
unless we can come up with a new scapegoat real soon."
Meanwhile, plans for arranging a special election to fill
Frank's seat are being delayed as the Congressman refuses to step down
"Are you crazy?" Frank asked when questioned
about why he wasn't officially resigning sooner. "Have you see
the hot interns that we get in this office every September when the
new college semester starts? I'm not leaving until give each and every
one of them the 'Gary Condit' treatment, know what I mean?"
But in a demonstration of agreement seen only at rare
points of political harmony, such as the votes on the Patriot Act and
the decision to authorize President Bush to invade Iraq, both Republicans
and Democrats rallied to have Frank step down sooner.
"Gay or not, he pretended to be gay, and that's just
as bad," thundered Gillespie. "Maybe even worse, since you
can't really choose to be gay, but you can choose to pretend to be gay."
"Oh, wait," he said, the blood draining from
his face as fellow Republicans put their heads in the hands. "Fuck."
"We Democrats cannot stand to see someone who changes
his mind on such a drastic issue remain in office," said Senator
and Presidential candidate John Kerry. "I mean, come on, how do
we know what he really thinks?"
Jake Novak writes for enduringvision.com,
“a webpage of satire, and also love.”