Features:
Pestering our Overlords: NYC Welcomes the President - Matt Higgins
Greatest American Zero: Sabres Rattle for RNC Cattle- Al Uthman
Purchasing Power to the People: Slogans Sell at RNC Protests- Ken Barnes
Dogfight: The Gendered Degeneration of Politics - Stan Goff
Milk Spilled, Thousands Die: Washington Post Refuses to Cry - Matt Taibbi
Music Download Blues: What to do if You're Busted - Stephanie Cole
Faux-tures:
COBRA Joins Forces With al Qaeda
Barney Frank admits Heterosexual Affair, Resigns- Jake Novak
Local Man Wets Bed, Blames Dog
Racist, Sexist or Ludacris? - a PC Quiz
True Horrors of Local Bureacracy - Jonathon Chance
Ask Dr. Rotten: Growing your best bud
Taste the Truth: our new food column- "Fats" O'Leary
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Music:
AudioFiles: Hives, Brand Nubian, MF Doom, Rise Against, Dillinger Escape Plan
I Witless News - I. Gonzalez
Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth
Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley
© 2004 The Beast
Allentown resident Jim Spezak “may not be telling the truth about what happened the other night,” according to girlfriend Stacy Jeffers. On the morning of August 28th Jeffers used her key to surprise Spezak with leftovers from brunch, but was shocked to see her boyfriend still asleep and “soaking in urine.” Naturally appalled, Jeffers chose to flee the scene, waking Spezak from a nearby payphone instead, “in order to avoid any embarrassment.” The conversation went smoothly, says Jeffers, “but there was something in his voice that seemed to say, ‘Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I pissed myself.’”
While Spezak could not be reached for comment, neighbors and friends have quoted him as saying “I think my dog has a bad bladder or something; the other night he peed right on the bed.” Spezak has even gone so far as to suggest that it is time to put the dog down, according to building super Fred Willis. “I can’t say for sure what happened that night, but that dog don’t look sick to me,” said Willis.
Upon Jeffers' arrival, Spezak was reportedly “acting aloof” and had already changed the sheets and made the bed. According to her girlfriends, Jeffers was unsure of how to react to the situation. Spezak’s mother has come to the defense of her son. “My Jimmy doesn’t lie,” says Mrs. Spezak. “If he says the dog did it, then the dog did it.”
Jeffers has made no final decision but said “I want to believe him, but after we had coffee we took the dog out and it made number one for at least a minute. I just don’t know what to think. I was going to invite him to spend the night next week, but I’m not so sure about that now.”
