Pestering our Overlords: NYC Welcomes the President - Matt Higgins

Greatest American Zero: Sabres Rattle for RNC Cattle- Al Uthman

Purchasing Power to the People: Slogans Sell at RNC Protests- Ken Barnes

Dogfight: The Gendered Degeneration of Politics - Stan Goff

Milk Spilled, Thousands Die: Washington Post Refuses to Cry - Matt Taibbi

Music Download Blues: What to do if You're Busted - Stephanie Cole


COBRA Joins Forces With al Qaeda

Barney Frank admits Heterosexual Affair, Resigns- Jake Novak

Local Man Wets Bed, Blames Dog

Racist, Sexist or Ludacris? - a PC Quiz

Special Ad Section (funny!)


Buffalo in Briefs


True Horrors of Local Bureacracy - Jonathon Chance

Notes from the Big House

Ask Dr. Rotten: Growing your best bud

Taste the Truth: our new food column- "Fats" O'Leary

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - your letters



Kino Korner


AudioFiles: Hives, Brand Nubian, MF Doom, Rise Against, Dillinger Escape Plan



I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs






2004 The Beast


Incredibly Tasteless Toy

Name: Product # 9011

Turn-ons: Astonishment, tragedy, baby saliva, Osama Bin Laden, sugar

Turn-offs: Attentive parents, political oppression, "Dennis Miller Live"

How I got to be THE BEAST PAGE 3 INCREDIBLY TASTELESS TOY: Let's just say that Chinese factory workers aren't the happiest people in the world, but they do have a sense of humor, and they know how to take advantage of Western "casual" business practices. They just wanted to see how far the design would get before anyone noticed--but nobody did, so I wound up in bags of candy in Miami. I'd like to point out that the kids liked me just fine, until some snitch's mom got a look at me. Honestly, I'm not so bad, compared to the original plans for a cigarette lighter.

Future Plans: I can see I'm not very popular around here, so I'm thinking of heading somewhere else--maybe the French Riviera--where I can relax and just be me for a while. After that I suppose I'll settle down on the Isle of Misfit toys, where I'm already something of a celebrity--they've already reserved a suite for me. I hear there's a cute Hiroshima mushroom cloud pop-up book who's dying to meet me.

How I'd Like to be remembered: As the most successful practical joke ever launched by a Chinese political prisoner, brightening his otherwise drab and hopeless existence, and as the only toy in the world which represents the entire Republican Party platform this year.

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