Pestering our Overlords: NYC Welcomes the President - Matt Higgins

Greatest American Zero: Sabres Rattle for RNC Cattle- Al Uthman

Purchasing Power to the People: Slogans Sell at RNC Protests- Ken Barnes

Dogfight: The Gendered Degeneration of Politics - Stan Goff

Milk Spilled, Thousands Die: Washington Post Refuses to Cry - Matt Taibbi

Music Download Blues: What to do if You're Busted - Stephanie Cole


COBRA Joins Forces With al Qaeda

Barney Frank admits Heterosexual Affair, Resigns- Jake Novak

Local Man Wets Bed, Blames Dog

Racist, Sexist or Ludacris? - a PC Quiz

Special Ad Section (funny!)


Buffalo in Briefs


True Horrors of Local Bureacracy - Jonathon Chance

Notes from the Big House

Ask Dr. Rotten: Growing your best bud

Taste the Truth: our new food column- "Fats" O'Leary

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - your letters



Kino Korner


AudioFiles: Hives, Brand Nubian, MF Doom, Rise Against, Dillinger Escape Plan



I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs






© 2004 The Beast

---your letters


Hello Beast,

I did a google search on Kingdom Bound 2004, and your article about Christian Wrestling and Kirk Cameron at this year's Kingdom Bound Christian music festival [“The Wacky Misadventures of Jesus and Kirk,” issue 55, 8/4] came up as the #4 or #5 result out of hundreds, so, of course, I read it. As someone who worked hard to publicize the event, I was most interested in reading your article to hear your perspective. I want you to know that I appreciate that your publication covered the event.

Kingdom Bound is one of the more unusual places to experience God, because it's at a very secular amusement park with wild roller coasters and such. But, I think that is its strength-- people who don't go to church aren't as intimidated to go to an amusement park, and if, while they're there, they hear about the good news of Jesus Christ-- that they are loved and forgiven by the creator of all things, despite the things they do that they deep down know are wrong--then I think Kingdom Bound is a positive event for the area and its people.

I've seen how your publication likes the idea of "evil," as its often highlighted in the pages and on the website of The Beast, but I'm also thinking, since you did indeed cover Kingdom Bound, that some of the staff members and writers there just might be seeking God, and yearn to know Him in a passionate and life-changing way.

Maybe some of the things Kirk Cameron, a former TV star, said at Kingdom Bound, were a little wacky, but overall, his message was this: that we've all fallen short of God's worthiness. We've all lied, stolen, cheated and hurt others. But Jesus Christ's death on a cross and resurrection was God's way of saying to humanity: "I forgive you and I love you." That kind of action compels me to believe that Jesus Christ is ultimately more satisfying than any other thing we try to make #1 in our lives.

I've seen many people's lives changed for the better because of Jesus' influence in their lives, so I believe in and have faith in His awesome power. True, some of His followers mess up or are truly weird, but if Jesus can forgive their imperfections, than we can too. Beast, I hope you cover Kingdom Bound 2005, and that you--your staff, your writers, your readers--encounter God in a way that changes your life for the better.

-Sincerely, Mark Weber


Dear Mark,

You mean like encountering Him in line for the Mind Eraser and cutting in front of Him, because He’s a pansy bitch? We must admit that’s pretty compelling.


Re: “Run Ricky Run[issue 55, 8/4]

No offense to the author but I need this needs some editing.  ya know to get the facts straight.  first off. Robert Brooks retired b/c of a severe injuries.  The guys basically got hurt every year.  Go look it up.  The rest of the retired guys are just ridiculous cause no one knows of them.  Should have brought up Barry Sanders but he retired cause he knew he couldnt win w/ the Lions.  But thats besides the point.  Next, take a look at Fiedler's record.  Fiedler's problem is he gets hurt and the back up suck (ex Ray Lucas and Brian Griese).  Onto the Patriots-Dolphins Game.  Lets rephrase a questionable PI call to a "bullshit pass interfere call"  that moved the patriots up 50 yards.  Also that Sam Madison was not the one involved, it was Jamar Fletcher.  Another important mishap was Olindo Mare kicking the ball out of bounds in overtime on the kickoff.

Now, DONT assume anything.  you say the bengals survived last year w/o dillon. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! the season didnt even start yet.

So basically u want the phins to draft another rb int he draft when they "thought" they had ricky.  Ok its obvious u are a bill fan since they wasted their first round pick 2 years ago w/ Mcgahee.

Oh yeah take a look at the phins pickups for offensive line. and receiver although boston is out but I think they will eventually get McCardell.

Oh my those Buffalo Bill fans............ ha ha take a look at Bledsoe and ur 6-10 record last year and lets not forget that Bills-pats game in NE last year (probably the most pathetic showing for a team ever. pats wanted the score to be 31-0 and they made that happen) go write about that

Anyways, u may want to fix some of those errors although ur still a bill fan wishing they will still be in the playoff hunt comer december

I'm Out


Dear Professor Boy-ar-dee,

u r defanatlee so smaat. Pikking on r teem reely made ur poynt. Wee stand currekted, sur.


Oh my God, you mean people actually thought national fuel would be punished harshly for letting some poor old lady freeze to death [“Freezing Your Gas Off,” issue 56, 8/18/04]. Who was the mental midget that thought just maybe those political fucks would give a shit about some old lady who lives on a limited income? they probably think the same way national fuel does. Hey! let her family pay out. Never considering maybe they suffer hardships too. Well, get ready grams this winter you better stock up on cat food get rid of your phone and sell a couple antiques because those bastards are raising the prices again. That's a fucking surprise isn't it? You'd think they would be blinging greatly on just Western NY winters alone talk about greed and sucking your bank dry. Anyway that's my complaint I hate those fucking assholes downtown and the political fuckwads that mind you we  vote for or allow to run a race against himself. since when can you win an election that only you ran in? hmm that's food for thought. Bush, Florida and our fine mayor both republicans wink wink.



Dear CloieGirl,

Now you’ve done it. Better pick up some space heaters this winter, in case an enraged National Fuel executive decides to have “Mr. Heatmiser” pay you a visit. He’s too much!


I would like to extend my sincere gratitude for your article on the Buffalo News' "hip" halfwit Mary Kunz [“I Hate You,” issue 56, 8/18/04]. She's as edgy as a bowl of yogurt. And please, can someone get the girl a hairbrush?



Dear Cmr,

Yeah—hey, too bad they don’t make something called a “toothbrush!” She would need that, too!


I just have to thank you for your "I Hate You, Mary Kunz" article.  Myself and countless others in my office have spent the last 24 hours wondering how on earth this woman has a job, after reading her "See Rochester and Feel Better About Buffalo" column.  I've lived in both places and don't care too much what she thinks of either, it's just the fact that her writing is so terrible it's embarrassing!  I don't think anyone could have said it better than that article you printed.  I love it.

(please don't print this!)

-Name Withheld despite request


Dear Name Withheld,

Yeah, that was ridiculous. “Cheer up, Buffalo! Rochester sucks!” It reminds us of that appalling thing she wrote about how easy life is since everybody left, because the line at the bank is so short.

It’s funny, actually: three issues ago, a couple of dorks from Rochester sent us a 20 item list on why their town was better than ours, and our reply, in part, read, “…no Buffalonian would ever feel compelled to knock your town in a pathetic attempt to elevate his own.” Guess we were wrong.


The Beast, apparently does not understand the offensiveness nor Ms. Bank's response to the Buggin Out' article for Spot Coffee [“Do the White Thing,” issue 56, 8/18/04]. Nor did they (or did they) correlate the historical meaning of 'Spot" and the bugging out of the Black Man's eyes. Yes, we continue to be stressed out over the issues of racism and other biases that impede the healthy process of African Americans. The reminders that are placed in front of us every day of our lives is most repressive and I do not believe as innocent as most Europeans want to feign.

The Beast's so called money making portrayal of a stressed out Black Man was most atrocious and must be viewed in it's entirety, meant to not only an inhumane violation of decency but a gross business error of The Beast and Spot Coffee.

I am not being unduly sensitive. I am very angry and not able to accept these constant reminders of what racism continues to do as it rears it's ugly head for all to see and to be warned.  We have EthnoRegionalism that is being spread over this area like a suffocating oil slick. It will remind us that each time we ignore the obvious exclusion, for people of color, highlighting African Americans. Is this our just dessert? Compliments of the White Things, doing their thang.

While Ms. Banks is well able to speak for herself, I will add my comments to say, there are many professional Blacks here in the City and County that live and breath the obnoxious fumes of The White Thing...Racism and we are sick of hearing out of towners say to us as well as media reports that this is a hick town where Racism lives and thrives off the ability to oppress people of color. Across this nation and globally, People who are treated so inhumanely would rise up and burn the business down.

To remind a few of you who feel this is not an issues. Research Emmett Tills murder and the thousands of blacks who were hung, and killed in many other gruesome ways. Look at the bugging out of their eyes. Then maybe you will understand the painful reminders that people use to make money off. do not plunge the dagger into our hearts and then expect to withdraw it, without pain.

An apology is not enough, but Ms. Banks deserves an apology and reparations for your implied and outright Bestial comments. Spot Coffee is included in this response.  how long will you pour salt in the wounds that many of you pagans and heathens inflicted?

Loretta L. Renford


Dear Loretta,

Oh, please. We’ll say this one more time: WE designed the ad. Spot Coffee had nothing to do with it. If you’re going to burn anybody down, pick us.

Look, you may think of lynching when you see that picture (although we confess to wondering if it didn’t take you some time to come up with that association), but it was certainly the farthest thing from our minds. What do you think went on here, anyway? We were sitting around, trying to come up with a good picture to go with an ad for an innocuous café, we saw that picture and said, “hey, that’s really funny, because it looks like he’s being killed?” We may indeed be heathens, but we’re not murderous hicks. (And we’re pretty sure that no Pagans were involved in either the slave trade or the making of the ad in question. Why slam them?)

Loretta, you’re just fucking insane to suggest that people should “rise up and burn the business down,” or that they would do so anywhere else. Do you understand the seriousness of that statement? You’re encouraging the immolation of a goddamned coffee shop because you didn’t think our ad was funny. Hardly seems the Christian thing to do.

Foment misplaced anger all you want—we are not afraid of controversy; in fact, we rather enjoy it. But that dog won’t hunt, because it’s barking up the wrong tree. Yes, you are being unduly sensitive, and any intelligent person of any variety can plainly see that this is a non-issue. We’re not racist. Spot isn’t racist. You’re just wrong. It’s people like you that inspired the term “PC thugs.” What you’re really fighting for is your right to never be offended by anything, whether the implications you see are real or imagined.

As for “reparations,” due to the seriousness of our transgression, we are prepared to offer both you and Ms. Banks ten free BEAST bumper stickers, from the highly collectible Orange Alert series. Oh, and that was cute how you double-capitalized “ethnoregionalism,” and italicized it, and made it red. It really is a pretty big word.


Dear "Editor":

New "alternative" papers pop up in this backwards town as much as new country and western stations. Hmmm. Being that Black papers are historically the only real alternative press in this country-most of our articles being written under the spector of bullets, bloodshed, and rigged ballots, while your rag was probably published under the stains of beer-foam, pizza sauce and wasted parents tuition money-it would seem natural that you boys would just shut up and issue a public apology to whomever Blacks were offended, or at least to Ms. Banks.

Let's say I give you the BOD (benefit of the doubt), and say you did that picture that you now admit to doing, under the wanton prevailing view of many of todays young Whites, that racism is no longer a major factor, and Blacks should just be able to look at that ad strictly as you do; as a regular guy buggin out. The history of images that magazines and then Hollywood have perpetuated, of bug-eyed black men (exaggeratedly dark-face-large White eyes), is a hard thing to ask an old-school African American to dismiss when one of us runs upon your ad. I really don't know you guys, but I take it that you were probably born after Civil Rights. For me to sit here and break everything down to you would be like a pregnant woman trying to convince me that her labor pains are so much greater than my upset stomach. You see, even though I may sympathize with her, I'm still light-years from knowing how she feels (which I'm very thankful of mind you), so who am I to debate, argue, or admonish from that standpoint?

What really concerns me even more than the ad, is your bone-headed explanations and justifying in your "Do the White Thing" article. Stop trying to figure out ways to make yourself sound like the victim, and skip the pseudo-hip deniel, and practice the highly unpopular art of if it offends a segment of people, then just stop doing it. I mean Jeeeeesussss Christ, if the Spot learned to drop the ad, then what's your problem? Please tell me just what kind of "homework" does Challenger need to do to understand one clearly offensive picture.

This is Buffalo, the city where a young inner-city girl was run over by a truck because she couldn't cross a six lane street to get to her job in a suburban mall because years before one of the men in charge of building that mall was overheard saying "we don't even want the (inner city) buses here." The same mall which has a major store that doesn't want Black women to sample perfume. The city whose major paper used a picture of a bugged-out James Pitts in contrast to a scholarly Joel Giambra over a year ago in a piece (I believe it was about the Council reduction), relating to regionalism (do your own homework, Steven Banko recently explains those pictures in counterpunch) And you guys claim to be the "Alternative?" The more things change...

The leaders want Buffalo to be successful and popular, they just don't want Blacks to be a major part of it as other cities have. That has been Buffalo's overall theme since the '60's, so I can understand a little oversensitivity over that buggin' out picture. You guys need to get out more.
Chris Stevenson/Buffalo Criterion pointblankdta@yahoo.com


Dear Chris,

"If it offends a segment of people, then just stop doing it?" You're an idiot. If we stopped doing anything that offends a segment of people, you'd be holding 32 blank pages right now. The BEAST firmly believes in our own right to freedom of speech. There is no right guaranteeing people's freedom from being offended. We have never apologized, and we never, ever, ever will. You can come down here and hold a gun to our heads, and we'll spit in your fucking eye. It's not going to happen.

The "homework" the Challenger might have done would have been calling us, or Spot Coffee, and finding out who made the ad in the first place. Instead, they chose to wrongly indict Spot for a perceived crime that was wholly ours. Infuriatingly, they still choose to attack this perfectly benign local business. It's not righteous; it's stupid. There are real racists out there, committing true injustices, but you're too busy attacking a little independent newspaper to bother with that. We don't run the Galleria mall, or the Buffalo News, and we don't control our city's policies. Rest assured, if we did, things would be different.

We're sorry that we can't offer you a "real" alternative, but, since we're not black, we suppose we'll just have to trudge on, living invalid lives as devoid of relevance as they are of melanin. Oh, the shame.


Dear Beasties,

Please accept this letter along with my heartfelt thanks for allowing me a voice from this wretched place. You guys have really helped me to find some measure of purpose in this otherwise lowly and sometimes brutal existence. Not to also mention what it has done for my sagging self-esteem in light of my predicament. So, again I must say thanks in a huge way.

Further, did I somehow get misplaced from the mailing list? I have not received a BEAST for two issues now and only managed to get the most recent issue when a certain deputy came and found me to chew the rag over my contribution to it! So, if you could be so very kind I would deeply appreciate being a regular recipient of each issue. Thanks again.

The new "Mistress Monique" column is generating a lot of interest in this place. Everything from she's "off the hook" to that "is a dude man" to "I'd like 20 mins with her man or woman"!'

And I really like the Dr. Rotten column and would love to be able to contribute there at some future point as cannabis is one of my areas of expertise as once upon a time myself and two other

growers from southeast Vermont produced a newsletter for the exclusive use of middle to upper New England growers and breeders.

In closing, you guys are the best—and always keep me in mind for dirty deeds!!



Dear DJ,

We’ve been sending the paper, man—they keep sending ‘em back. “Unacceptable,” the envelopes read; a harsh judgment we’ve heard before. Guess we really are officially banned at the Holding Center. It’s ironic--we’ve been trying to stay out of jail for our whole lives, and now they won’t let us in. We’ll keep trying, though—if you’re reading this, then we guess it worked. Hang tough.

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