Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Dropping Dead: Sudan Genocide Must End... Eventually- Al Uthman

Republican Tricks: A Hooker's View of the RNC- I.M. Simpering

Play Time is Over: Hippies Won't Cut It - Matt Taibbi

Pipeline Paradise: Shocking Link Discovered Between Terrorism and Oil -Michael Goss

Body Count 1001: Where Have The Soldiers Gone? - Stan Goff

Chris Riordan on Chris Riordan


Area Teen's Email Misunderstood

Hurricanes Threaten Florida Comb-Over Industry- Jake Novak

Special Ad Section (funny!)


Buffalo in Briefs


Ask Dr. Rotten: Growing your best bud

Sports: The Bills' Teflon Tom Donahoe - Ronnie Roscoe

Taste the Truth: Fresh Meat- "Fats" O'Leary

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - your letters


Kino Korner


Chris Cannon Interview


Rock Against Bush vol. 2

Concubine Forming




Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs







© 2004 The Beast


Hilarious Security Breach

Name: Jason Hatch

Turn-ons: Taunting death, embarrassing British Military Intelligence, DC Comics

Turn-offs: Exclusive custody, my ex-wife, The Riddler

How I got to be the BEAST PAGE 3 HILARIOUS SECURITY BREACH: Rather silly, really. I never thought I'd make it up the walls of Buckingham Palace, especially in a Bat suit. What if I had been someone who really meant to do harm-the Penguin, for instance?

Future Plans: Vanquish crime, see my kid, and then work as a security consultant in the war on terror, for whichever side pays better.

How I'd like to be remembered: As a caped crusader with a butler and a young companion who was definitely not gay.

.This Issue ...........Home........... Contact........Archives


ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...more

Dropping Dead Al Uthman

A new and damning World Health Organization report has set off yet another round of condemnation and hand-wringing over the living nightmare that is the Sudanese crisis. But don't worry everyone-we're on the case. Never mind that we've been "on the case" for years, and even Roscoe P. Coltrane from "The Dukes of Hazzard" would have had it figured out by lunchtime..more

Republican Tricks I.M. Simpering

Early reports are inconclusive on whether or not the Republican National Convention was a boon to New York City's economy. None, however, have yet attempted to account for the bonanza in unreported and untaxable income flowing into the city during the week of the GOP soiree. In a quest for hard figures, investigate reporter I.M. Simpering called on his contacts in Manhattan's escort industry. Instead he heard tales of hard living and debauchery, which he has agreed to publish in The Beast... more

Pipeline Paradise Michael Goss

The third anniversary of 9/11 last week brought on a predictable onslaught of recaps and memorials, reminding us all of the tragedy of that day. We've been doing a lot of bombing and invading since then, ostensibly to defend against further attacks. Most of us felt pretty good about invading Afghanistan and removing the Taliban regime, but a lot of people are having second thoughts about Iraq. Our reasoning for the Iraqi invasion has changed as quickly as evidence of WMDs and a Saddam-Osama link has been discredited. What's the connection? But there is a connection between Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as every conflict our nation is involved in today: oil. At every turn, pipelines and proven reserves seem more of a motivation to our foreign policy than Homeland Security...more

Body Count 1001 Stan Goff

These milestones come along, reminding us and the wrath struggles to break free again. The anger is never really absent, just dormant like a sleeping volcano.

Back when the pack of professional liars in Washington DC and their slavish corporate press still had Americans brainwashed that Iraq was a threat to the United States, General Tommy Franks--then the chief military planner of the catastrophe in Iraq--said, "We don't do body counts." more

Play Time is Over Matt Taibbi

...the protests of the last week in New York were more than a silly, off-key exercise in irrelevant chest-puffing. It was a colossal waste of political energy by a group of people with no sense of history, mission or tactics, a group of people so atomized and inured to its own powerlessness that it no longer even considers seeking anything beyond a fleeting helping of that worthless and disgusting media currency known as play...more

Chris Riordan on Chris Riordan

Proving yet again to be the true vangaurd of free journalism, The BEAST offers an insightful look into the life of Chris Riordan as documented by Chris Riordan. Former Editor of The BEAST and current president of Uticans For Change, Riordan was on his way to the Republican National Convention to document the protests on Saturday August 28. Along the way he decided to use his shitty tape recorder to document the reflections of a ruggedly handsome neogonzobongojournalist who dances really well.... more

Buffalo in Briefs

Private Bridge Plan Threatens Local Graft - We stopped holding our breath for a new bridge two years ago, thanks. With the crooked bunch we have running the show on this side of the border it will never happen-it's a bet even Vegas bookies won't take (we checked). The thing's been going around and around for years now, and they still can't figure out what it will look like, where it will go, who's going to build it, etc., etc., wasting millions of dollars on studies, designs, travel, parties, press conferences and miscellaneous perks. So when a private company from Detroit filed plans with the State Department and the Canadian Ministry of The Same Thing to build its own bridge, insiders went apeshit tripping all over each other to bad mouth the idea... more

Kino Korner Michael Gildea

What do you get when you add one of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s drinking buddies from Good Will Hunting, that is-he-acting-or-isn’t-he crazy quality of Tom “if the bitch gets outta line she’s getting a beating” Sizemore, and Mel Gibson’s former barber as a director?

That’s right. A cinematic abortion that lived... more


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