The BEAST - Buffalo's Best Fiend........www.buffalobeast.com.............Issue 58 9/15/04--9/30/04
Triple Hurricanes Threaten Entire Florida Comb-Over Industry
by Jake Novak
The unlucky confluence of Hurricanes Charley, Frances, and now Ivan have nearly destroyed Florida's once-thriving comb-over industry, as the state's elderly men are unable to maintain them in the high winds, according to both comb-over owners and their suppliers.
"It doesn't matter how much Vaseline I use -- my hair gets totally ruined within minutes in these gale-force winds," complained Sol Rabinowitz of Boca Raton. "I guess the only thing to do now is shave it off and admit that at age 82, I really am bald."
"All this wind is threatening to expose my secret -- that I'm actually bald!" whispered John Markin, 75, clutching several wisps of hair from near his left ear and yanking them over towards the top of his head. "This must be what Superman feels like when he's dressed up as Clark Kent and someone holds some Kryptonite nearby!"
As a provider of haircuts optimized for combing-over, Max Lupinsky, of Max's Barbershop in Coral Gables, is also feeling the pain.
"Regular cut is $10, plus tip. But the comb-over cut is $20 and you need to make an appointment. I haven't had even one appointment in six weeks. I'm going under," Lupinsky wailed.
Others, however, are vowing to hold fast, no matter what happens to their hairdressers.
"I don't care what anybody says. With this comb-over, I look young and vibrant," insisted 78-year old Frank Pelosi of Fort Lauderdale, "and those extra winks I get from Mable the waitress at the early bird special prove it. If Max's goes under, I'll just get some liquid cement and shoe polish to save myself from any embarrassment."
He added that the money for these provisions would leave him too poor to go to Home Depot to get the plywood "we'll probably need to save the picture window," but that the sacrifice would be "well worth it."
"Wind can blow through that damn window all it wants, and it still won't move a hair on my head!" he cackled, busily painting glue on his scalp.
But experts say Pelosi's resolve is not being met by other elderly men, who, in addition to abandoning their comb-overs, are making some other stunning concessions in the face of the storm.
"I used to love wearing Bermuda shorts that were three sizes too big and black knee socks to go along with them," said Ralph Carter of West Palm Beach, "but with these storms, that outfit made me look like a walking wind sock, and with flood waters rising, going barefoot is the only thing to do."
The triple storm events are also throwing a wrench in the political mentality of some residents as well.
"Hey, I moved to Florida so I wouldn't have to pay a state income tax that usually gets wasted on things like schools, sewers, and disaster preparedness," said Arthur Feinberg of Bal Harbor, "but now I think maybe we need some of those things after all."
"So maybe I was just a greedy bastard the whole time," he added, pondering.
But for all the gloom and doom that the storms are bringing, relatives of elderly Floridians are actually delighted by the news.
"You mean these storms are going to make grandpa look normal instead of like some kind of aging and desperate circus freak?" asked Susan Francona of New York. "Thank God for hurricane season!"
Jake Novak writes for enduringvision.com, a webpage of satire, and also love.
© 2004 The Beast