The BEAST - Buffalo's Best Fiend........www.buffalobeast.com.............Issue 58 9/15/04--9/30/04

Area Teen Sends Sarcastic E-Mail, Pays Consequences

"Maybe everyone is just stupid" says local high junior and Dairy Queen employee Jessica Howard "I mean, I wrote that Tim Seifert was cute sarcastically. Everybody knows he is ugly, and who would date him after what he did at junior prom? He is such a loser."

Howard's "world has been rocked but not in a good way - like 'you rock my world,'" according to her "B.F.F." Samantha Ross.

Rumors surround the would-be couple, and have caused Howard "a good deal of stress," says guidance counselor Mr. Guirmo. "The best thing for her to do right now is focus on her school work so she can get into a good college." Others disagree; the girls' junior varsity soccer team has begun a campaign to clear their star player's name. "Facts are facts," says teammate Jessica Miller, known as Jess #2 to avoid confusion. "When Jess #1 wrote that e-mail she wrote 'Yeah right, Tim is soooo cute, I would just love to go out with him.' The insertion of the phrase 'yeah right' and the extra o's in 'so' are clear indicators of sarcasm, and anyone who can't see that is retarded."

While some of Howard's fellow students have been mollified by the soccer team's efforts, many still question why she was e-mailing Donald Strauss in the first place. Strauss, a longtime friend of Seifert, is considered by many students to be "one of the biggest dorks in school."

"If you ask me" says self-proclaimed 'it girl' Stephanie McClellan, "whether Jess#1 was being sarcastic or not is a moot point; the real issue is her initial correspondence with Donny Strauss." McClellan went on to add unsympathetically that "the bitch deserves it-she tried to steal my boyfriend freshman year. Ughh-she is such a bitch!"

Strauss has admitted to making first contact with Howard, whose e-mail address was reportedly written on the wall of the second floor boys' bathroom. "Everybody knows Jess#1 is easy," added Strauss, who was "just trying to get my friend laid." While Howard's outrage continues, Seifert, a self-described "sort of virgin" has bright hopes for his future. "Whether she meant it or not, she is hot and this has definitely put me on the map."


2004 The Beast

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