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Dropping Dead: Sudan Genocide Must End... Eventually- Al Uthman

Republican Tricks: A Hooker's View of the RNC- I.M. Simpering

Play Time is Over: Hippies Won't Cut It - Matt Taibbi

Pipeline Paradise: Shocking Link Discovered Between Terrorism and Oil -Michael Goss

Body Count 1001: Where Have The Soldiers Gone? - Stan Goff

Chris Riordan on Chris Riordan


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Area Teen's Email Misunderstood

Hurricanes Threaten Florida Comb-Over Industry- Jake Novak

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2004 The Beast


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The unlucky confluence of Hurricanes Charley, Frances, and now Ivan have nearly destroyed Florida's once-thriving comb-over industry, as the state's elderly men are unable to maintain them in the high winds, according to both comb-over owners and their suppliers.

"It doesn't matter how much Vaseline I use -- my hair gets totally ruined within minutes in these gale-force winds," complained Sol Rabinowitz of Boca Raton. "I guess the only thing to do now is shave it off and admit that at age 82, I really am bald."

"All this wind is threatening to expose my secret -- that I'm actually bald!" whispered John Markin, 75, clutching several wisps of hair from near his left ear and yanking them over towards the top of his head. "This must be what Superman feels like when he's dressed up as Clark Kent and someone holds some Kryptonite nearby!"

As a provider of haircuts optimized for combing-over, Max Lupinsky, of Max's Barbershop in Coral Gables, is also feeling the pain.

"Regular cut is $10, plus tip. But the comb-over cut is $20 and you need to make an appointment. I haven't had even one appointment in six weeks. I'm going under," Lupinsky wailed.

Others, however, are vowing to hold fast, no matter what happens to their hairdressers.

"I don't care what anybody says. With this comb-over, I look young and vibrant," insisted 78-year old Frank Pelosi of Fort Lauderdale, "and those extra winks I get from Mable the waitress at the early bird special prove it. If Max's goes under, I'll just get some liquid cement and shoe polish to save myself from any embarrassment."

He added that the money for these provisions would leave him too poor to go to Home Depot to get the plywood "we'll probably need to save the picture window," but that the sacrifice would be "well worth it."

"Wind can blow through that damn window all it wants, and it still won't move a hair on my head!" he cackled, busily painting glue on his scalp.

But experts say Pelosi's resolve is not being met by other elderly men, who, in addition to abandoning their comb-overs, are making some other stunning concessions in the face of the storm.

"I used to love wearing Bermuda shorts that were three sizes too big and black knee socks to go along with them," said Ralph Carter of West Palm Beach, "but with these storms, that outfit made me look like a walking wind sock, and with flood waters rising, going barefoot is the only thing to do."

The triple storm events are also throwing a wrench in the political mentality of some residents as well.

"Hey, I moved to Florida so I wouldn't have to pay a state income tax that usually gets wasted on things like schools, sewers, and disaster preparedness," said Arthur Feinberg of Bal Harbor, "but now I think maybe we need some of those things after all."

"So maybe I was just a greedy bastard the whole time," he added, pondering.

But for all the gloom and doom that the storms are bringing, relatives of elderly Floridians are actually delighted by the news.

"You mean these storms are going to make grandpa look normal instead of like some kind of aging and desperate circus freak?" asked Susan Francona of New York. "Thank God for hurricane season!"



Jake Novak writes for enduringvision.com, “a webpage of satire, and also love.”


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MAYORAL SURVIVOR: A BEAST CONTEST

ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...more


Dropping Dead Al Uthman

A new and damning World Health Organization report has set off yet another round of condemnation and hand-wringing over the living nightmare that is the Sudanese crisis. But don't worry everyone-we're on the case. Never mind that we've been "on the case" for years, and even Roscoe P. Coltrane from "The Dukes of Hazzard" would have had it figured out by lunchtime..more


Republican Tricks I.M. Simpering

Early reports are inconclusive on whether or not the Republican National Convention was a boon to New York City's economy. None, however, have yet attempted to account for the bonanza in unreported and untaxable income flowing into the city during the week of the GOP soiree. In a quest for hard figures, investigate reporter I.M. Simpering called on his contacts in Manhattan's escort industry. Instead he heard tales of hard living and debauchery, which he has agreed to publish in The Beast... more


Pipeline Paradise Michael Goss

The third anniversary of 9/11 last week brought on a predictable onslaught of recaps and memorials, reminding us all of the tragedy of that day. We've been doing a lot of bombing and invading since then, ostensibly to defend against further attacks. Most of us felt pretty good about invading Afghanistan and removing the Taliban regime, but a lot of people are having second thoughts about Iraq. Our reasoning for the Iraqi invasion has changed as quickly as evidence of WMDs and a Saddam-Osama link has been discredited. What's the connection? But there is a connection between Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as every conflict our nation is involved in today: oil. At every turn, pipelines and proven reserves seem more of a motivation to our foreign policy than Homeland Security...more


Body Count 1001 Stan Goff

These milestones come along, reminding us and the wrath struggles to break free again. The anger is never really absent, just dormant like a sleeping volcano.

Back when the pack of professional liars in Washington DC and their slavish corporate press still had Americans brainwashed that Iraq was a threat to the United States, General Tommy Franks--then the chief military planner of the catastrophe in Iraq--said, "We don't do body counts." more


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