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Archives--Old BEASTs

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2004 The Beast


with Andrew Gullerstein


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Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

So Virgo, you want to know who would win in a fight: Blade or Vampiric Entity Colin Quinn. Though Quinn may gain some advantage by stunning Blade with his bad timing, veiled bigotry and inability to deliver a punch line, he stands little chance of living. Blade doesn't fuck around, when the Daywalker sets his mind on killing you, you're fucking dead. Blade would cut Quinn into small chunks of flesh before exposing the remains to sunlight. Blade knows that unless every bit is burned, Quinn will reconstitute himself into another bad cable show.


 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, you want to know who would win in a fight: The Hulk or The Thing? Look, I know everyone loves The Thing because he's such a nice guy, but The Hulk is pure endless unstoppable rage. Sure, old Ben Grimm is super strong, but The Hulk just gets stronger the more you piss him off. I'm willing to bet that a big orange rock man punching him in the face would make Hulk fucking pissed off. Hulk wins without a doubt and The Thing will just have to accept it, just like he had to accept that his penis has been replaced with a flat rock.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Silly Scorpio, you want to know who would win in a fight: Han Solo or Captain Kirk? Kirk is awesome and likes nothing better that beating the shit out of a newly discovered alien species. However, Han Solo is the man. If he didn't shoot Kirk outright, he might just ask Chewy to rip off his limbs. Any little bitch that says different probably wears a toy phaser to work.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Yo Sagittarius, you want to know who would win in a fight: Megatron or Snake-Eyes. Some people would actually debate this, but then some people are retards. Just for the record, Snake-Eyes is the ultimate ninja with both sword and gun and can wield them both with unmatched skill. Megatron is a gun that transforms into an evil forty-foot robot with an arm-mounted fusion cannon. One blast from that thing and not only Snake-Eyes but also an entire acre of land wouldl be charred and in ruin.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember the other night, Capricorn, when you were asking yourself who would win in a fight between Superman & Godzilla? You pondered it for a while, then wussed out and decided it would be a tie. This is just another example of your inability to come to an honest, reasonable conclusion because of your fondness for the people or things involved. A dose of well-reasoned honesty might hurt at times but it's still a good thing. Hell, even this country could use it; it might cause some riots but sometimes that's what it takes. Now, lets get back to the issue at hand: Godzilla vs. Superman - Who would win? First we must establish which Superman we're talking about; the current version of Superman (a creative abortion of John Byrne) presented in comics today or the Golden age Superman? If we're are using the current Superman, also known as the "more realistic" version, we would have to accept that Godzilla, "Defender of Earth," would fry Superman's little bitch ass up with radioactive fire within a few minutes. Godzilla might even smash Superman into the ground and jump on him a few times before using the fire. However, things change if the Golden Age Superman is involved; Golden Age Superman is basically the most powerful being in the Universe, and his unlimited strength and ability were matched by his incredible intellect. Godzilla would be in some pretty deep shit. With one punch, he could send Godzilla flying out of our solar system, but Golden Age Superman would value the life of even a seemingly mindless rampaging radioactive monster, and would in turn find a win-win solution with no loss of life. But…Godzilla is also a living force of nature created via atomic testing and is given to odd mutations and abilities at any given time. Superman's powers are a product of the solar radiation of a yellow sun. Therefore, being exposed to Golden Age Superman's unique radioactive biologic signature, Godzilla could mutate and become a giant generator of Kryptonite radiation. At that point any version of Superman would be fucked. Basically once you factor in the genetic chaos that is Godzilla…GO GO GODZILLA!


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

So, Aquarius, you want to know who would win in a fight: The Punisher or Daredevil? Well, Daredevil might have sonar and a fancy stick and be able to do all kinds of flips and ninja stuff, but Punisher has a matching pair of nickel plated .44 Magnums (eight in the clip and one in the chamber). The day Daredevil out-flips a dozen .44 slugs fired with marksman precision is the day Lucifer needs a snowblower. Old Matt Murdock can wear all the Kevlar armor he wants, he's still going to be lying on the ground screaming in pain if not already out cold. Bitch all you want Aquarius, Punisher wins the fight.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

What is that Pisces? Who would win an in fight; Batman or Captain America? I know Batman is a detective genius whose body and fighting skills are honed to the pinnacle of human perfection and that he fights dirty. Let me just say this: Captain America has been beating the shit out of Nazis and other fiends since the 1940s with the help of the Super Soldier Serum fused into his DNA. It would be a good fight, but Cap would kick Batman's ass! Then Cap would go bang She-Hulk and Batman would go home and give Robin an angry ass-pounding while Alfred watched.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, now you want to know who would win in a fight: Optimus Prime or Leader-1? What kind of an asshole question is that? LEADER-1? Listen Aries, the Go-Bots fucking sucked horse anus and so did their gay apple-core looking planet of Gobatron! Optimus Prime would grab Leader-1 by his shiny head and crush it, and then Prime would start smashing Leader-1's body on the ground until it broke into pieces, which would be shortly before Optimus transformed into Truck mode and ran over the scattered parts. Leader-1…you are such a faggot, Aries.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

I'd call…But.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, you want to know who would win in a fight: singer James Brown or Darth Vader? Though the Godfather of Soul could probably distract Vader with a fancy dance number using his mutant ability to summon large numbers of Gospel Singers, Vader would kill him terribly. Even if the Hardest-Working Man in Show Business bought himself an extra moment with his impressive Spousal Abuse skills, Darth would probably pick him up using the force and fling him into wall after wall until he dropped in a twitching mass on the floor. After that, Vader would then cut of James Brown's feet with his Light Saber before leaving to find young Skywalker…All too easy Gemini, all too easy.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

What Cancer? You want to know who would win in a fight: Count-Chocula or The Count from Sesame Street? We could debate this for days but in the end I think they would end up sharing a flat together in San Francisco. Even now it's difficult to tell which one would be the bottom but I'm starting to lean towards Chocula.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo my dear friend. You want to know who would win in a fight: Paul Fallon or a Drunken Angry Schmidbauer Kid and his crew of hacky-sack elites? The Drunk Angry Schmidbauer Kid would have the element of surprise with a unprovoked choking maneuver over a Happily toasted Paul Fallon celebrating the Beast Editor's Birthday. The Drunken Angry Schmidbauer Kid would also be fueled by the fury of the "Shitbauer" comments some of our readers made in sic, wrongly imagining that we made the letters up (we can't help if people actually write to our paper). Fallon is also at a disadvantage because his list of allies would grow thin, as the Beast Editor, like the French in WWII, would just give up and disappear from the scuffle. [What scuffle? The kid was just talking shit. I had to pee! -Ed.] However, Fallon's "Give Peace a Chance" attitude and genuine desire to get to the bar would prevail against The Drunk Angry Schmidbauer Kid, who would probably be told to leave the bar by a judicious veteran Old Pink bouncer and go talk shit to his crew of hacky sack elites. No small thanks would go to new Beast Pinch Hitter Mike G. a.k.a. "God's Hammer" for keeping The Drunk Angry Schmidbauer Kid at arm's length while not spilling his own gin and tonic. You see, Leo; we've never gotten angry and physically attacked our detractors. We win the right way, by being better.



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