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Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
So
Virgo, you want to know who would win in a fight: Blade or Vampiric
Entity Colin Quinn. Though Quinn may gain some advantage by stunning
Blade with his bad timing, veiled bigotry and inability to deliver
a punch line, he stands little chance of living. Blade doesn't fuck
around, when the Daywalker sets his mind on killing you, you're
fucking dead. Blade would cut Quinn into small chunks of flesh before
exposing the remains to sunlight. Blade knows that unless every
bit is burned, Quinn will reconstitute himself into another bad
cable show.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Libra,
you want to know who would win in a fight: The Hulk or The Thing?
Look, I know everyone loves The Thing because he's such a nice guy,
but The Hulk is pure endless unstoppable rage. Sure, old Ben Grimm
is super strong, but The Hulk just gets stronger the more you piss
him off. I'm willing to bet that a big orange rock man punching
him in the face would make Hulk fucking pissed off. Hulk wins without
a doubt and The Thing will just have to accept it, just like he
had to accept that his penis has been replaced with a flat rock.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 22)
Silly
Scorpio, you want to know who would win in a fight: Han Solo or
Captain Kirk? Kirk is awesome and likes nothing better that beating
the shit out of a newly discovered alien species. However, Han Solo
is the man. If he didn't shoot Kirk outright, he might just ask
Chewy to rip off his limbs. Any little bitch that says different
probably wears a toy phaser to work.
Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21)
Yo
Sagittarius, you want to know who would win in a fight: Megatron
or Snake-Eyes. Some people would actually debate this, but then
some people are retards. Just for the record, Snake-Eyes is the
ultimate ninja with both sword and gun and can wield them both with
unmatched skill. Megatron is a gun that transforms into an evil
forty-foot robot with an arm-mounted fusion cannon. One blast from
that thing and not only Snake-Eyes but also an entire acre of land
wouldl be charred and in ruin.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Remember
the other night, Capricorn, when you were asking yourself who would
win in a fight between Superman & Godzilla? You pondered it
for a while, then wussed out and decided it would be a tie. This
is just another example of your inability to come to an honest,
reasonable conclusion because of your fondness for the people or
things involved. A dose of well-reasoned honesty might hurt at times
but it's still a good thing. Hell, even this country could use it;
it might cause some riots but sometimes that's what it takes. Now,
lets get back to the issue at hand: Godzilla vs. Superman - Who
would win? First we must establish which Superman we're talking
about; the current version of Superman (a creative abortion of John
Byrne) presented in comics today or the Golden age Superman? If
we're are using the current Superman, also known as the "more
realistic" version, we would have to accept that Godzilla,
"Defender of Earth," would fry Superman's little bitch
ass up with radioactive fire within a few minutes. Godzilla might
even smash Superman into the ground and jump on him a few times
before using the fire. However, things change if the Golden Age
Superman is involved; Golden Age Superman is basically the most
powerful being in the Universe, and his unlimited strength and ability
were matched by his incredible intellect. Godzilla would be in some
pretty deep shit. With one punch, he could send Godzilla flying
out of our solar system, but Golden Age Superman would value the
life of even a seemingly mindless rampaging radioactive monster,
and would in turn find a win-win solution with no loss of life.
But…Godzilla is also a living force of nature created via atomic
testing and is given to odd mutations and abilities at any given
time. Superman's powers are a product of the solar radiation of
a yellow sun. Therefore, being exposed to Golden Age Superman's
unique radioactive biologic signature, Godzilla could mutate and
become a giant generator of Kryptonite radiation. At that point
any version of Superman would be fucked. Basically once you factor
in the genetic chaos that is Godzilla…GO GO GODZILLA!
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19)
So,
Aquarius, you want to know who would win in a fight: The Punisher
or Daredevil? Well, Daredevil might have sonar and a fancy stick
and be able to do all kinds of flips and ninja stuff, but Punisher
has a matching pair of nickel plated .44 Magnums (eight in the clip
and one in the chamber). The day Daredevil out-flips a dozen .44
slugs fired with marksman precision is the day Lucifer needs a snowblower.
Old Matt Murdock can wear all the Kevlar armor he wants, he's still
going to be lying on the ground screaming in pain if not already
out cold. Bitch all you want Aquarius, Punisher wins the fight.
Pisces
(February 20 - March 20)
What
is that Pisces? Who would win an in fight; Batman or Captain America?
I know Batman is a detective genius whose body and fighting skills
are honed to the pinnacle of human perfection and that he fights
dirty. Let me just say this: Captain America has been beating the
shit out of Nazis and other fiends since the 1940s with the help
of the Super Soldier Serum fused into his DNA. It would be a good
fight, but Cap would kick Batman's ass! Then Cap would go bang She-Hulk
and Batman would go home and give Robin an angry ass-pounding while
Alfred watched.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
Aries,
now you want to know who would win in a fight: Optimus Prime or
Leader-1? What kind of an asshole question is that? LEADER-1? Listen
Aries, the Go-Bots fucking sucked horse anus and so did their gay
apple-core looking planet of Gobatron! Optimus Prime would grab
Leader-1 by his shiny head and crush it, and then Prime would start
smashing Leader-1's body on the ground until it broke into pieces,
which would be shortly before Optimus transformed into Truck mode
and ran over the scattered parts. Leader-1…you are such a faggot,
Aries.
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
I'd
call…But.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini,
you want to know who would win in a fight: singer James Brown or
Darth Vader? Though the Godfather of Soul could probably distract
Vader with a fancy dance number using his mutant ability to summon
large numbers of Gospel Singers, Vader would kill him terribly.
Even if the Hardest-Working Man in Show Business bought himself
an extra moment with his impressive Spousal Abuse skills, Darth
would probably pick him up using the force and fling him into wall
after wall until he dropped in a twitching mass on the floor. After
that, Vader would then cut of James Brown's feet with his Light
Saber before leaving to find young Skywalker…All too easy Gemini,
all too easy.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
What
Cancer? You want to know who would win in a fight: Count-Chocula
or The Count from Sesame Street? We could debate this for days but
in the end I think they would end up sharing a flat together in
San Francisco. Even now it's difficult to tell which one would be
the bottom but I'm starting to lean towards Chocula.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Leo
my dear friend. You want to know who would win in a fight: Paul
Fallon or a Drunken Angry Schmidbauer Kid and his crew of hacky-sack
elites? The Drunk Angry Schmidbauer Kid would have the element of
surprise with a unprovoked choking maneuver over a Happily toasted
Paul Fallon celebrating the Beast Editor's Birthday. The Drunken
Angry Schmidbauer Kid would also be fueled by the fury of the "Shitbauer"
comments some of our readers made in sic, wrongly imagining that
we made the letters up (we can't help if people actually write to
our paper). Fallon is also at a disadvantage because his list of
allies would grow thin, as the Beast Editor, like the French in
WWII, would just give up and disappear from the scuffle. [What
scuffle? The kid was just talking shit. I had to pee! -Ed.]
However, Fallon's "Give Peace a Chance" attitude and genuine
desire to get to the bar would prevail against The Drunk Angry Schmidbauer
Kid, who would probably be told to leave the bar by a judicious
veteran Old Pink bouncer and go talk shit to his crew of hacky sack
elites. No small thanks would go to new Beast Pinch Hitter Mike
G. a.k.a. "God's Hammer" for keeping The Drunk Angry Schmidbauer
Kid at arm's length while not spilling his own gin and tonic. You
see, Leo; we've never gotten angry and physically attacked our detractors.
We win the right way, by being better.
