at a complete and total loss on this one, kids. I mean, what is there
to say about a Sixth Sense knockoff with a plot that's so trite
and monotonous that it's been done twice a year for the last half decade?
woman whose son died; no one else remembers him. Is she crazy? Is she
perfectly sane? Is she paranoid? Does anyone care?
was reading about Margot Kidder lately. You remember her; she played
Lois Lane in the Superman movies from the '70s and '80s. Well,
she lost her shit a few years back: paranoid schizophrenia, stalking
Richard Pryor, yanking her teeth out because she thought the CIA and
her ex-husband were out to get her.
Forgotten sort of reminded me of that, because at one point in the
movie the FBI gets involved. The plot is also so twisted that, by the
time the big revelation comes explaining the whole damned mess, half
the garbage being spewed at you is all new information. That prevents
you, the viewer, from figuring it out in the first ten minutes, walking
out, and asking for your money back.
Moore is a great actress, but lately she spends too much time doing
make-up ads and not enough actually reading her scripts. It's like she's
trading in her reputation for free cosmetics.
for The Forgotten, just forget the whole thing. A movie's title
will often tell you whether or not to bother. This one's telling you
to forget it. You just need to pay attention.
of the Dead
and send-ups are usually fun. Half the time, whatever's being spoofed
is pretty dumb to begin with, and the parody usually winds up being
more entertaining than the original material. Not Another Teen Movie
and the Scary Movie series are a few good examples.
of what makes these types of movies enjoyable is the fact that, unlike
most movies that you can't take seriously, these ones don't even want
you to try. Shaun of the Dead is a send-up of the latest wave
of zombie movies. It doesn't so much spoof movies like 28 Days Later
and Dawn of the Dead so much as it just nods to them. It
really just plants silly characters into the world of those movies and
lets the laughter ensue.
of the Dead has a minimal plot and a lot of laughs. I liked it because
it's just a goofy comedy that doesn't require any thought of its audience.
It's kind of like going to dinner at a friend's house as opposed to
cooking for yourself
First Daughter (0)
Daughter is what's left of the shit that Mandy
Moore took earlier this year with Chasing Liberty. Sometimes
one flush just isn't enough.
the story of the President's daughter going off to college and not being
able to live her life because she keeps winding up in magazines and
newspapers. Michael Keaton plays the president, if that tells you anything.
Good thing he stopped doing those Batman movies that were holding
back his career, huh?
Holmes has the ability to pick a great project. Check out Wonder
Boys, The Gift, and The Ice Storm if you don't believe me.
I was actually pulling for her in her whole is-there-life-after-Dawson's-Creek
struggle. But a couple of more movies like this and she's looking to
be the season premiere episode of E's "True Hollywood Stories."
First Daughter at all costs, even if it means the death of those
closest to you. Unless it's your pets' lives; then just take one for
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
the movement has officially reached a new stage. What movement is that,
movement to replace anything in a movie that is not an actor with a
Captain and the World of Tomorrow is the ten-year labor of writer/director
Kerry Conran. Conran has taken elements from '40s matinee serials and
resurrected them, in order to reintroduce them to a new generation and
new century. What we wind up with is what you'd get if you put The
Iron Giant and ''Batman: The Animated Series" in the middle
of a fistfight that carried over into the real world and threw Indiana
Jones in to referee the battle. Combine some art deco, a can of retro,
slap a futuristic coat of paint on it and you've got yourself a Sky
Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow have a lot of the same chemistry that Cary
Grant and Rosalind Russell had in My Girl Friday-a lot of back-and-forth
mixed in with a lot of pain-in-the-ass backseat driving and second-guessing
on her part. Angelina Jolie shows up for a whopping twenty minutes of
screen time as well. Don't let her eyepatch get you too excited boys
the end, Conran made a decent (and great-looking) movie, especially
for a first time director. But when it comes down to it, it just seemed
like he tried to make a post-dated time capsule that had only small
fragments of what he was trying to do as opposed to the larger pieces
that were required to pull it off. But I could be wrong. None of those
serials from the '40s were that great; they were just fun.
that's what you'll have at Sky Captain, if you don't pick at
it too much and allow yourself to enjoy it. It's just about a guy who's
a cross between Batman and Indiana Jones trying to save the world from
an evil genius and big robots.
what's the whole "movement" thing? Lawrence Olivier plays
the bad guy bent on world destruction. What's the big deal? He died
fifteen years ago. Even actors can be computer-generated now. Insert
theramin music here.
If Brad Pitt is reading this; The BEAST is looking for ad people if
you're interested. I may even be able to get you free movie passes too.
is about an up-and-coming American female tennis pro who falls for an
English tennis pro who's on his way out. Or so the movie would have
got something completely different out of it. With Kirsten Dunst and
Paul Bettany as the two main stars of the movie how can you not? I mean,
England sending in their fugliest leading man and the U.S. sending in
their best hot-bodied butterface (if you don't know what "butterface"
means, e-mail me at Michael@buffalobeast.com
for an explanation and other zingers) is truly a sign that neither country
truly trusts each other after the Revolutionary War. Oh sure, Tony Blair
and George W. hump it up really well on TV, but I assure you it's all
fact of the matter is that Wimbledon is yet another attempt by
the UK to enslave America. The plan is to seduce America through movies
like Notting Hill, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Love Actually, and
Bridget Jones' Diary into a world of sodomy, fellatio, bad weather
and even worse food. Bad teeth too.
drunken UB English exchange student named Nigel let the cat out of the
bag one night when he told me that the movies "lull you fuckin'
Yanks into the belief that England is not a threat and that we're there
to entertain you." The student also told me after a few more pints
that they plan to ban circumcision when they retake control of the colonies.
Pinky needs his coat, and the head of the circumcised penis resembles
Darth Vader's helmet a bit too much for our liking," he said. "You
fookin' bitches better recognize as well," Nigel added before he
tried to "get [his] root shagged."
also confirmed my theory that Kirsten Dunst should have her own lighting
team in tow 24-7. There were moments in the movie where she seemed as
angelic as she did in The Virgin Suicides. However, there were
also moments where it seemed that her cheeks were engaged in an ongoing
process to envelope her face. The plan is to take the whole head over
and have her ample bosom do the talking for the rest of her days.
whole thing made me sad to think that England was once a rich culture
offering great horror movies, James Bond, and Monty Python. Now all
it seems they have for us is Radiohead knock-off bands and sappy chick
flicks starring people of questionable genetic makeup.
British are coming, but you won't after seeing Wimbledon.
the trailer for Mr. 3000 and you've got the whole plot. An asshole
baseball player gets his 3000th home run and cashes in on his fame to
sell everything from cars to douche bags. Ten years later, it comes
to the attention of the committee in charge of the baseball hall of
fame that he was actually three hits short. So now his doughy ass is
determined to get back on top, get those three hits and be eligible
for the hall of fame.
it's the same sports movie you've seen a couple hundred times before
about a loser who needs to reclaim his glory in the face of adversity.
Bernie Mac has the ability to engage anybody, to the point of clinching
off the Uncle Tom reflex. It's his first leading role and the only reason
I can think of as to why Mac did this tired formula movie is that he
feels the need to "take his whuppin'" like any famous black
comedian in a white man's world. He's just playing the game, man; just
playing the game.
I hate sports more than life itself. I take no pleasure in watching
sports that take twenty minutes to set up an eight-second play. If I
want to watch grass grow, I'll sit on my front porch. So, for me, there
were way too many sports references. Maybe it's because I don't flip
between the forty-seven some-odd ESPN channels with my dick in my hand
for twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes a day, but a lot of it
flew over my head.
hack critic zinger: "Mr. 3000 has its moments, but it didn't
hit a home run with me." Anyway, it's not the worst movie I've
ever seen; if you've got the better part of two hours of your life to
waste give it a shot.