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6 Fundamentalist Movies You Should Watch




Gates of Hell

I learned about this movie from Right Wing Watch, which is an organization that watches the right wing. And they watched the right wing pushing this movie, and it looks awesome.

You might have heard about how conservatives have been trying to sell African-Americans on the idea of being against legal abortion lately. They’re putting up these nutty billboards (some of which imply that blacks are a distinct species) and running goofy political ads on the radio. See, they’re not racist anymore! They’re really concerned about black babies and how letting black women have abortions is like genocide. And that breaks their hearts. They are very concerned about black people. That’s what they’re pushing. It reminds me of how neo-Nazis like David Duke will pretend to be so compassionate to the Palestinians, when in reality they’re clearly more motivated by hating Jews than anything else.

Anyway, since the billboards and radio ads can only do so much, they’ve decided to make a movie about their abortion/race war fantasies. In this movie, black people are finally convinced by the WorldNetDaily (Molotov Mitchell of WND is the executive producer of this movie) that abortion is really a racist genocidal conspiracy against black people. Nevermind that nobody’s forcing anyone to get an abortion these days, that doesn’t matter. The important thing is that if we don’t outlaw abortion, these scary BLACK guys are going to start shooting doctors and liberals and probably your mom, too. So you better do what they say already.

This movie also strives to solve a major public relations problem for the anti-abortion zealot community. I could be wrong on this, but I’m pretty sure that every single anti-abortion doctor-killer or attempted doctor-killer has been a honky. If you line up their mug shots in a row, it looks like what the Children of the Corn would be like if they were allowed to live past their 19th birthday. Gates of Hell seeks to racially diversify the hate-filled anti-abortion terrorist demographic. Since reality won’t do it for them, they’ll have to make a movie about how they wish black people acted when it comes to abortion. It’s a twisted version of how colleges Photoshop in Hispanic kids in wheelchairs on their homepages.

See, it’s not this guy who’s threatening those of us who want to keep abortion legal and safe:

Molotov Mitchell of WND has an impressive IMDB page

It’s THIS guy:

“Hello YouTube, here is my review of the newest Harry Potter movie…”
Gosh, I wonder why anyone ever though conservatives were racist?

The Life Zone

Bitches love Jesus… I’m gonna get those bitches some Jesus.

The Life Zone is a movie about women who were all having an abobo at the same time and were all kidnapped by some anti-choice terrorist good guys. So the women are all locked up in some underground dungeon and are forced to carry on with being preggo until the baby jumps out of her vagina or however that works.

Their captor is some shady old man who leers on as the younger nurse-lady makes sure their pregnancies are going in the exact opposite way the women wanted. They all talk about abortion and have fourth-grade level arguments about it. And at the end it turns out that they were all in Purgatory the whole time to make sure their unborn babies would be able to go up to Heaven. Yay for massive simultaneous deaths during routine medical procedures!

But one of the women tried to induce a miscarriage during her pregnancy because she was convinced that abortion is pretty awesome, so she goes to Hell. And so does the nurse-lady, because she also died recently from committing suicide. And oh yeah, the captor turns out to be Satan.

The director of this movie is a former Republican judge and politician from New Jersey who had to quit because he kept on promoting his movies from the bench. I heard rumors that he would oftentimes sentence people to watch his movies, much like how the senile Judge Wapner now sentences us all to drink his root beer. Anyway, this guy has another movie you may want to check out called “O.B.A.M. Nude,” which is about how Barack Obama sold his soul to the devil while in college and in exchange was given some mysterious power to turn the world into a socialist paradise for Satan. So that’s where he’s coming from…

Left Behind I-III

Kirk Cameron, seen here hoping to be the 97th caller to win Justin Bieber tickets

I have only seen the first two movies in the Trilogy O’ Kirk (We hardcore fans call it TOK for short on internet forums), but then again I haven’t seen any of the movies I’ve mentioned so far. Hey, this is about movies you should see, not necessarily movies I should see.

So way back in the day, Jesus promised he would return at the side of God in order to kick the asses of the non-believers. St. John or whichever crackhead wrote Revelation took that premise from Jesus and ran with it, elaborating it into a D&D-ish apocalypse fantasy. In the mid-19th century, some pastors merged in some passages from 1 Thessalonians and rapture theology was born.

But the rapture never happened. So some fundamentalist Christian authors named Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins were frustrated by that and started wondering: What if it really did happen? Hey, maybe it will happen, like, really soon! Wouldn’t that be awesome? LaHaye and Jenkins were getting all excited just thinking about it!

So they wrote a book about it. Then they wrote a few more books about it, and a few more. And then Kirk Cameron dropped by their place and was all like, “Dudes! Let’s make some of these shitty books into unwatchable, straight-to-DVD movies!” And so it came to pass.

Jason and Mike Seaver share the laughter and love and also the ancient dogma.

Cameron’s character starts off as a reporter for “GNN” who’s trying to find out where all those missing people have gone. Some people start asking him if he’s considered believing they all went to Heaven for the rapture. He hadn’t, but he takes that belief system out for a test drive, buys it, and it works out pretty well for him. He’s told that if he can bring 10 friends and family members in to start selling Amway products Christianity themselves, then he can definitely expect to achieve financial independence in 3 easy steps go to Heaven the next time Jesus sweeps his BFFs up into the sky.

Buck Williams also discovers that the UN Secretary General is the antichrist. GNN has a strict disclosure policy for when you are reporting on someone you believe to be the antichrist, but it’s OK in this case because Buck hides his anti-antichrist bias well.

The way you get to activate antichrist mode in the Left Behind universe is to advocate peaceful solutions to the territorial disputes in the Gaza Strip. That’s what the UN SecGen does, and that’s how Buck finds him out. You see, when someone tries to settle international disputes in a non-violent way, that’s a sure sign that they’re evil. Conversely, the Left Behind crowd can easily tell how good someone is by how many wars they wage. If only it worked the same way with the State of New York Department of Justice and drunken disorderly charges.

In the end I guess Kirk Cameron sneaks into the UN, gains the antichrist’s trust, and just kinda hangs out while God comes back to kick his ass. Because it’s not like either of them can do anything to change what’s going to happen. Supposedly this God person predetermined all of it. That takes a lot of suspense out of this trilogy. We all know there’s no chance the good guy will tragically (?) die after a cameo appearance by Cthulu. It’s just going to be Jesus guiding Mike Seaver through a fundie’s fever dream.

But there’s still lots to learn from Left Behind, especially in how these people view nonbelievers. Basically, they think we’re all extremely stupid and shallow, that the only reason we don’t believe is because if we did we’d all have to confess our sins and submit before the Jesus and we’re all just too proud for that scene. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that maybe we don’t believe because none of the miraculous events in the books and the movies have actually happened. This is all meant to be fiction, right?

But maybe not. If you read the newspapers and do a little free association here and make a few leaps of faith there, it’s possible to link real current events to all this ancient mythology the Left Behind groupies seem to be so obsessed over. And that’s where this stuff starts to get creepy.


Expelled! is a creationist propaganda movie. It also gets pretty far into conspiracy theories and Holocaust revisionism, but mainly this is about creationism.

The filmmakers told their interview subjects that they were making a documentary about the intersection between science and religion. This is how they got people like PZ Myers, Richard Dawkins, Michael Shermer, and Eugenie Scott of the National Center for Science Education to speak with them on camera. Obviously I don’t have any problem at all with this deceitful tactic since we at The BEAST do this kind of thing pretty regularly. The problem… well one of the problems with this movie is selective editing. This is very obvious when you watch the film because the cuts are so fast and awkward that it’s as if Michael J Fox did the editing the old-fashioned way with a razor after a few days off his meds.

According to Expelled!, evolution isn’t accepted by relevant experts because there’s a lot of evidence supporting it, but because there’s a massive worldwide conspiracy of scientists which controls with an iron fist all of the peer review literature and all the important positions in relevant fields. So it’s the same premise used by pretty much every other goofy conspiracy theorist, with a twist: If you disagree with Stein and his friends at the Discovery Institute, you sir are a NAZI because this anti-God conspiracy goes all the way back to Nazi Germany.

Yes, as a matter of fact I do got mittens.

The National Center for Science Education has a website devoted to debunking Expelled!, if you’re interested in the details of why Ben Stein is wrong about everything. Maybe you should read that before watching the movie, just in case watching the movie first causes you to start reading about the science in Ben Stein’s voice.

Four Lions

These gentlemen represent an existential threat to our way of life.

I’m going to have to cheat a little bit with these last two movies which focus on Islam. The previous ones were made by the true believers themselves, but here they are the subject. Did I cheat that way because I’m an uncouth American who needs the movies I watch to be westernized for me to appreciate? Probably!

Four Lions is actually about four humans who aren’t lions at all. But they are Muslim wannabe terrorists living in England and planning a suicide bombing for Allah. Hilarity ensues.

We have this disturbing way of looking at Muslim terrorists here in America. It’s the same way they probably see themselves: as a grave, existential threat to Western secular democracy on par with the fascists during World War II. And if you suggest that maybe they’re just a bunch of criminal but laughable idiots who sometimes succeed but usually fail hard, then you’re disrespecting their victims.

It’s a lot like how people still believe in conspiracy theories about John F Kennedy’s death in that when something terrible happens, we ascribe an amount of meaning proportional to the amount of misery it’s caused, even when that connection is not supported by the facts. We don’t like the idea of someone as esteemed as Kennedy being blown away by some down-and-out loser who’s been rejected even by the Soviet Union. It’s much more comforting to believe that he died for brave principles and was taken down by one or another shady cabal of evil people with lots of power. Everything seems less random and fragile that way, regardless of the facts.

And in the same way, we’d like for the ‘bad guys’ in the Post-9/11 World news narrative/Michael Bay movie to be not just genuinely bad guys. We want them to be absolutely demonic and with superhuman powers. We can’t have them in court because they might say something which will somehow transform normal, rational Americans into Islamic extremists who want to let Khalid Sheikh Mohammed walk around NYC and plan more terrorist attacks. Because people can do that kind of thing with mere words, apparently.

If you believe in that perception of al Qaeda and others like them, then Four Lions is completely heretical. And what’s funny is that Muslim extremists themselves will be outraged by it too, and for the exact same reasons. It just doesn’t take terrorism seriously enough! If you want to laugh at Islamic terrorism, do it in the wake of a drone’s airstrike. It’s for some reason blasphemous to laugh at them for being gullible, ineffectual morons with goofy beliefs and embarrassing, mundane, interpersonal relationship problems.

Oh yeah, they all die in the end.

The Infidel

In a way, The Infidel is a mirror-image opposite of Four Lions. While Four Lions focuses on the titular extremist characters who create humor by interacting with moderates, The Infidel’s main character Mahmud is a moderate Muslim who’s constantly befuddled by the extremist wackos he occasionally crosses paths with in his everyday life. His sister or cousin or someone is about to marry an extremist Muslim cleric he hates, and he’s gotta deal with that somehow. Even his own daughter randomly yells jihadist-y slogans about restoring the caliphate.

Then Mahmud finds out that he was adopted and that his parents were Jewish. So he’ll have to go through a crisis of identity where he learns how to say “Oy, vey” correctly and wear the tattered remains of a yarmulke he just burnt at a pro-Palestinian rally. And then there’s the matter of the radical cleric marrying into his (now Jewish, apparently) family. All this while poor ol’ Mahmud just wants to go on being a half-assed cultural Muslim who doesn’t go to the mosque or care much about politics, but loves to listen to cheesy ’80s music and maybe has a drink every once in a while.

The reason you really should see this movie is because the next time some dickhead whines about how people are too afraid to mock Islam like they do Christianity, you can both watch this movie together and prove said dickhead wrong. The attacks on fundamentalist thinking in it are stronger than you’d get in a typical Christian-mocking movie or TV show, but it manages to raise serious concerns while keeping a sense of humor.

  • Timmy

    “See, they’re not racist anymore!”
    Never were.
    I see far too much of liberals calling members of the TEA party, Republicans, any conservative racist.
    Let’s take a look at this site, what’s been said by the “tolerant” (and likely white) liberals here about certain minorities that happen to be Republicans. The Most Loathsome list is an easy guide.
    In 2004, about Condoleezza Rice: “Going to sleep in the big house now”.
    In 2007, about Alberto Gonzales: “Been felching approval from Bush’s lily-white ass since Texas”.
    In 2004, about Clarence Thomas’s “punishment”: “Dragged out of the Court in chains after giving the deciding vote to bring back slavery”.
    In 2004, about Ken Blackwell: Called him “greasy”.
    See, Tea Partiers and Republicans would never get away with saying racially charged stuff like that. They aren’t racist, but the Democrats are.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      Those are only racially charged if you define it by meaning anything negative said about anyone who happens to be a minority. That’s not how most people define “racially charged.” Something like this, on the other hand…

  • Timmy

    Hence, they always need to project and claim people opposed to their policies are racist.

  • http://www.hardleft.org/ Mike C.

    Timmy, those remarks are all in reference to minority tokens chumming it up with conservatives. Notice that the vast majority of minority types choose not to, leaving neoconservatarian tea baggers largely still a sea of sagging biscuit dough.

    The reason is that people of color can sense the musk of bigotry emanating from liberservapublicans’ cavernous pores, no matter how many emphasize that some of their best friends are x, y, or z.

    Minorities also tend to have to work harder to make their way in this country, and they are sharper for it. So they would note the irony of the remarks you’ve framed so earnestly, gaping imploringly like a frustrated golden retriever. When conservatives trot out minorities, it’s a self-conscious act of condescension. But the fact is nobody likes a sell out — especially the people said patsy is supposed to represent for the republiservotarpies.

  • me

    GNN is grouch network news on Seasme street. Oscar the grouch does his own news show about things that are awful.

  • Timmy

    Mah pres’dent is black! He’s black! Did I forget to mention we have a black pres’dent now?
    No. Liberals don’t make a big deal about race at all.
    Hey, what if I said Obama was “sleeping in the big house now?” Would that be racist?
    Along with race-baiting, another thing that’s big in the liberals’ forte is double standards.
    That picture has nothing to do with conservatives. “Race mixing is Communism?” Those people, those Bull Connor people. Guess what? They were Democrats. But I guess you think Robert Byrd is a saint.

  • Timmy

    Obama was the Democratic Senate’s resident token. He was the ONLY black Senator in the whole damn Senate. Of course, he did not have a negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.
    Why are liberal whites so ashamed of their own race?
    How come it’s okay for the likely white liberal to say stuff like that? Stuff that’s racially charged, about any minority that doesn’t see them as their savior.
    But people like Obama and Sotomayor etc. are supposed to be so great, to be such civil rights milestones. And anything negative about them is supposed to be so racist.

  • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

    And Jimmy/Timmy/whoever, since when is Obama “our” President? You might have noticed in your fruitless research that he was #27 in 2009 and moved up to #14 last year.

  • Timmy

    It’s Timmy. I’m not Jimmy. Don’t know anyone named Jimmy.

  • Timmy

    So if you’re opposed to Obama I guess that makes you racist then. Consistency, you know. Everybody knows if you have a problem with Obama, you’re a racist.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      Timmy/Jimmy, there’s a difference between opposing someone because of their policies and opposing someone because you believe in racism. I said that conservatives are racist because of how often they wave racist signs and say and do racist things, like answer a poll by saying that interracial marriage should be outlawed. The fact that you can’t tell the difference between criticism based on policy and criticism based on melanin is pretty telling.

  • Timmy

    Which I think is stupid, but that’s how it goes, apparently.

  • Anthony

    Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort enjoy sharing bananas.

  • http://www.cinemasucks.com/ Mike C.

    Timmy, what in the fuck are you babbling about? You sound like a twat.

  • Timmy

    I said I’m Timmy. My name’s not Jimmy. It’s not too hard to understand.

  • Timmy

    It’s liberals who are always bringing race up. Who are fixated on race and think, basically, that minorities should get special accommodations because they clearly can’t make it without their help.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      Timmy/Jimmy, do you seriously believe those people protesting the federal government imposing integration on the local government in Little Rock by carrying around signs that say “race mixing is communism” and “race mixing, the march of the antichrist” are liberals? Or that the 46% of Mississippi Republicans who say that interracial marriage should be illegal are liberals? Seriously?

  • Anthony

    When Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort get together, they always share a banana. Like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oa5z77EI8y0&has_verified=1

  • http://www.hardleft.org/ Mike C.

    TJimmy, your jabbering is getting less entertaining. Hearing you repeat yourself is like vomiting rancid bangers and mash; gross, and what’s worse, it wasn’t even good the first time.

    If you’re not going to be funny or challenging, there’s no real use for you. It’s not like there’s anything invested in convincing you of something. Getting you on the liberal side would just be adding more ballast to an already precarious oxcart.

    Please say something that’s not a reflexive right wing queef.

  • Timmy

    For the love of God, I’m Timmy. Stop calling me Jimmy.
    They were Democrats. Strom Thurmond became a Republican, sure, but Bull Connor was and stayed a Democrat. Robert Byrd was a beloved Democrat. Many of these people were also adherents of FDR’s New Deal, so they were not what you’d call conservatives.
    Hey, the rapper Common and that one singer, I forgot her name, that were invited to the White House, they attack interracial relationships, too. Liberals staunchly defended them from any attacks because of that.
    Who’s to say that poll’s not simply of Mississippi residents? It’s been shown that there are more black people opposed to interracial relationships than white people.

  • Timmy

    Southern Democrats did not oppose their party’s economic agenda, for the most part.

  • Timmy

    Robert Byrd=Not a conservative.
    Also, the only Klansman in the Senate in the past 50 years.
    Say what you want about Strom Thurmond’s past support for segregation, he was not a member of the Klan.
    Want more? Woodrow Wilson=Racist
    Lyndon Johnson=Racist
    Black Panthers=Racist
    You wanna say these people are conservatives?

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      Timmy/Jimmy/Tom, if you like, I can just post the screenshot showing that you’re using the same ISP and even the same email to log in to comment here.

      You seriously believe Democrats aren’t conservative? Are you nuts? Anyway, I’m not going to let you get away with this bait and switch. You said that conservatives “never were” racist, so I pointed out evidence showing that that’s not true. And when you can’t respond to that, you just whine about how you believe liberals are racist. Having failed to show any evidence for that, you switch again to claiming that Democrats are the real racists, which even if true doesn’t have shit to do with us here at the BEAST.

      “Who’s to say the poll wasn’t simply MS residents?” The people who took the poll, that’s who, you mouthbreather.

  • Timmy

    You wouldn’t dare publish my ISP and e-mail address for everyone to see.
    I’m not using the same e-mail address, though.

    Common and that singer who’s name I forgot=Opposed to interracial relationships. Liberals didn’t give a damn.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      You’re just making evidence-free assertions again. And you never answered my questions. Are the 46% of MS Republicans who think that interracial marriage should be illegal liberals? What about the teabaggers protesting integration? Were they liberals?

      Here, here, and here are screenshots showing that you’re Timmy, Jimmy, and Tom. If you like I can also post a screenshot of you trolling for teenage boys on Yahoo Answers next. You want that?

  • Anthony

    I have an ex-girlfriend I used to call Dragonroll. Baby, is that you?

  • http://www.hardleft.org/ Mike C.

    Anthony, I don’t know what kind of company you keep, but here’s that e-mail address showing up again on the web:


  • http://www.hardleft.org/ Mike C.

    Whoops, my bad. Guess the stupidity of this conversation has affected my reading comprehension.

  • Timmy

    Go to hell. That is a very fucking dirty move. That is much too far in a damn political discussion, over differences.
    By the way, I’m fucking 18 years old. I am not an old man. Go to hell for ruining my reputation, you shitrags.

  • Timmy

    I mean 19. And I WAS NOT trying to do anything sick. I did not have anything sick in mind. Only a sick pedophile would troll on a 13 year old. I was not doing that. Like the other posters, I was trying to help the kid in an older brother kind of way, because a lot of people that age feel embarrassed. I know what puberty feels like.

  • http://www.hardleft.org/ Mike C.

    I don’t remember doing a bunch of coke, driving out with a 9 mil, and forcing some random conservative to post TMI on Yahoo! Answers about his dick, but I suppose I can’t rule it out.

  • Timmy

    You’re supposed to be so “understanding”. I wasn’t trolling for any minor. I know from memory that that’s a very difficult period of life to be in, so WITHOUT doing anything sick and rightfully illegal, I tried talking with them about what people that age need “the talk” about. That doesn’t give me some sick thrill.
    You should be ashamed of yourself.

  • Timmy

    I wasn’t doing that. People at that age can feel very ashamed of themselves over shit like that. Was it TMI? I guess so, I wouldn’t do that today, but it wasn’t “trolling” for anyone, it was giving someone “the talk”, so they wouldn’t feel ashamed of themselves, because I know what that’s like.
    By the way, I used to be a LIBERAL until early this year.
    This goes beyond politics. This is completely shameful on your part.

  • http://www.hardleft.org/ Mike C.

    Understanding? Have you ever read this blog?

  • Timmy

    Political shit is one thing. Falsely accusing someone of being a pedo is another fucking thing completely.
    I mean understanding in that living in a repressive environment sucks. Falsely accusing someone of being a pedo because they don’t tell you a stork caused you to be born sucks. Being a teenager sucks. You guys are liberals. I used to be a liberal until not too long ago.

  • Timmy

    I remember, I used to love the shit you guys put on this site, back when I was a liberal.
    I had no idea you’d do underhanded shit like this.

  • http://www.hardleft.org/ Mike C.

    As with using sock puppets under the same IP, it was your fuck up. Get savvy, or “have a seat over there.”

  • http://buffalobeast.com Steven Gordon

    This is the best thread I’ve ever read.

  • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

    Jimmy, I didn’t post your info because of politics. There was no need because you had already lost there. I did it because you were lying about your sock puppetry. You should probably know that when you lie about everything, you’re going to get called out on it. Go cry to your mommy if you don’t like it.

  • Cor (formerly evil)

    Mr. Bunting? May I worship you?

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      Sure, as long as you tithe (see donate button).

  • Cor

    After that shit up there? You bet!* Accept my apologies for the “whore’s enema” misunderstanding on the Judge Dredd post. I’d blame Jimmy/Timmy/Tom, but nobody would believe he could find my email address and post as me.
    I’d like to add for all the Libs out there: THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE IS HOW YOU FIGHT RIGHT-WING TROLLS! YOU FUCK UP THEIR SHIT! Jimmy/Timmy/Tom might have to kill himself now – THAT’S CALLED VICTORY, BITCHES!
    *Wait for payday. I’m an EMT, so naturally I’m one paycheck away from homelessness.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      I’d really rather he not go kill himself over this. If he happens to still be reading this, I’m pretty sure he’s the only person anywhere near where he lives who even knows who we are.

  • http://anteprepro.xanga.com/weblog/ Anteprepro

    Wow. That was quite the comment thread. Mr. “Conservatives aren’t racist, liberals are because Democrats were the racist ones in the Civil Rights era! (also, I’m not sockpuppeting)” is outed as not only a dishonest sockpuppet, but a filthy, dirty Yahoo! Answers user as well! And also as a man who will incessantly bitch about someone pointing out that he was comparing dick sizes with a kid on the internet (for purely academic purposes). Typical Republican apologist, and a flawless victory in finding that out so quickly. Give the kid a few years, a few pounds, a few million, and a drug addiction, and I bet he could be the next Rush Limbaugh. How ’bout it, Manchild of Many Names?

  • Cernunnos

    The Black Panthers were not racist, you twat. They were anti-capitalists for racial equality and worked closely with predominately white revolutionary groups during the 60s.

    The so-called “New Black Panther Party”, however are indeed black supremacists, but they are a bunch of crypto-Nation of Islam loonballs trying to ape the legacy of the old BPP. Numerous Black Panthers of the 60s have spoken out against them.


  • http://moviesatmidnight.blogspot.com Ryan Midnight

    The post was pretty good… reminded me I need to get around to seeing Four Lions. The comment thread? Priceless!

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