The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

Man, It's so cool to have my own column. Now whenever I get mad that my liberal traitor colleagues are smarter than me, I can regurgitate White House talking points all over the region's only major newspaper! No need for boring insight or analysis; after all, I'm a Republican! We hate that brie-eating crap!

So, I just want to remind everyone that John Edwards is a trial lawyer, and Democrats want to let France run the country and have vacation get-togethers with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Also, Bush is firm and resolute (very firm, I bet).

And that Kerry guy, he flip-flops. Have you heard that one before? I think it's endlessly amusing. Bush is firm, and Kerry is floppy. I certainly know which one I prefer.

Bush may have lost jobs, but he's increased our #1 export: freedom! That stuff is great. It's especially good on pizza! Of course, we have to be careful not to deplete our freedom resources by using it too much domestically. Here at home, we must strictly conserve freedom, so there's enough for our Iraqi friends.

Bush's war plan is good. I know this because he's so cute. He doesn't have time to explain it--besides, then the ragheads would know what it is! Kerry can't protect us, what with his floppiness and love for fondue.

Kerry thinks that we should focus on Al Qaeda just because they're the ones that attacked us. He clearly doesn't have the resolve necessary to understand that, because of 9/11, we have no choice but to vanquish the entire Arab world, and that doing this will make us safe and universally loved in the long run.

Once we have democracy in Iraq, which will happen if we just keep shooting and torturing the people there, it's a sure thing that all other Muslim nations will want some too, and stop being so mad at us. After all, it's not like we did anything to them. They'll probably be so grateful they'll even become Christian too. Wouldn't that be neat?

Resolve is a great-sounding word. Just listen to it: resolve, resolve, resolve. How can you criticize Bush in the face of such a great word? Who cares about stupid economic statistics and intelligence assessments when Bush has resolve?

Why should rich people pay more taxes? It isn't fair. This class warfare mentality is the only thing keeping poor people from being millionaires. The top 2% wouldn't be so small if only rich people could keep their money so they could give it to poor people, making them rich. Then they'd enjoy the tax cut too! It would be so easy if the Democrats would stop brainwashing poor people into thinking they're poor. Social programs are the devil. If they didn't exist, nobody would need them. Government health care will be awful; believe me, you're better off with none at all. And that's just what Bush will continue to give you, is his steadfast and unwavering manner.

Kerry sends mixed messages when he disagrees with our studly President. It's just not right, in this ghoulishly scary time of war, to present the American people with two different choices like this. How are we supposed to cope? If Kerry wasn't such a flippy-floppy pessimistic unpatriotic liberal, he'd have the resolve to agree with everything the President has done. Instead he has the audacity to question his judgment. What kind of message does that send to the troops? If Kerry supported the troops, he would support their continued death and dismemberment like a real American, instead of the French-speaking, big-faced know-it-all he is.

I love Bush. He never makes me feel stupid. He acts tough, which is good enough for me. He's not into being friends with foreigners--they're weird and they talk funny! I like how he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about; it's like looking into a mirror. Plus he's totally hot. The way he swaggers, his brutish nature, his tendency to carpet-bomb nations instead of using intelligence agencies and special forces, his strong and forceful denial of encroaching realities, and his embrace of primitive religious precepts all make me feel safe, secure, and a little moist. He's gotten much better at reading his teleprompter lately. I know for whom I'm voting, and why:

Yes, Mr. Bush; I do want some wood.

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Truth is Overrated Al Uthman

It's been almost a week since the second Presidential debate, and I'm still baffled at the post-debate coverage.

Well, no, that's not really true. I remember turning to a fellow viewer as we watched Bush go to pieces and saying, "watch; they're gonna come on and call it for Bush."

Political Snicker-ing Matt Taibbi

The good folks at M&M/Mars and BBDO New York have combined recently to give the world one of the more uplifting cinema experiences of the year: a series of commercials in which hapless, ambitionless zeroes with terrible haircuts make improbable journeys from their couches to the throne of mankind after eating Snickers bars.

Big Brother Knows Best Paco Alameda

True story: After eagerly awaiting the DVD release of Fahrenheit 9/11, I take a bus to The Hamburg, NY Blockbuster and ask the first friendly clerk I see to point me toward the new releases. He walks me over to the Fahrenheit 9/11 display and being a very helpful chap, takes a DVD, hands it to me and says "Is this what you were looking for?"

Scary Little Man William Rivers Pitt

George W. Bush, still smarting from his embarrassing performance in the Florida debate, decided on Friday night in St. Louis that volume was a good substitute for strength, that yelling would be mistaken for gravitas. The result was an ugly, disturbing, genuinely frightening show.