It's so cool to have my own column. Now whenever I get mad that my liberal
traitor colleagues are smarter than me, I can regurgitate White House
talking points all over the region's only major newspaper! No need for
boring insight or analysis; after all, I'm a Republican! We hate that
I just want to remind everyone that John Edwards is a trial lawyer,
and Democrats want to let France run the country and have vacation get-togethers
with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Also, Bush is firm and resolute
(very firm, I bet).
that Kerry guy, he flip-flops. Have you heard that one before? I think
it's endlessly amusing. Bush is firm, and Kerry is floppy. I certainly
know which one I prefer.
may have lost jobs, but he's increased our #1 export: freedom! That
stuff is great. It's especially good on pizza! Of course, we have to
be careful not to deplete our freedom resources by using it too much
domestically. Here at home, we must strictly conserve freedom, so there's
enough for our Iraqi friends.
war plan is good. I know this because he's so cute. He doesn't have
time to explain it--besides, then the ragheads would know what it is!
Kerry can't protect us, what with his floppiness and love for fondue.
thinks that we should focus on Al Qaeda just because they're the ones
that attacked us. He clearly doesn't have the resolve necessary to understand
that, because of 9/11, we have no choice but to vanquish the entire
Arab world, and that doing this will make us safe and universally loved
in the long run.
we have democracy in Iraq, which will happen if we just keep shooting
and torturing the people there, it's a sure thing that all other Muslim
nations will want some too, and stop being so mad at us. After all,
it's not like we did anything to them. They'll probably be so grateful
they'll even become Christian too. Wouldn't that be neat?
is a great-sounding word. Just listen to it: resolve, resolve, resolve.
How can you criticize Bush in the face of such a great word? Who cares
about stupid economic statistics and intelligence assessments when Bush
should rich people pay more taxes? It isn't fair. This class warfare
mentality is the only thing keeping poor people from being millionaires.
The top 2% wouldn't be so small if only rich people could keep their
money so they could give it to poor people, making them rich. Then they'd
enjoy the tax cut too! It would be so easy if the Democrats would stop
brainwashing poor people into thinking they're poor. Social programs
are the devil. If they didn't exist, nobody would need them. Government
health care will be awful; believe me, you're better off with none at
all. And that's just what Bush will continue to give you, is his steadfast
and unwavering manner.
sends mixed messages when he disagrees with our studly President. It's
just not right, in this ghoulishly scary time of war, to present the
American people with two different choices like this. How are we supposed
to cope? If Kerry wasn't such a flippy-floppy pessimistic unpatriotic
liberal, he'd have the resolve to agree with everything the President
has done. Instead he has the audacity to question his judgment. What
kind of message does that send to the troops? If Kerry supported the
troops, he would support their continued death and dismemberment like
a real American, instead of the French-speaking, big-faced know-it-all
love Bush. He never makes me feel stupid. He acts tough, which is good
enough for me. He's not into being friends with foreigners--they're
weird and they talk funny! I like how he doesn't know what the hell
he's talking about; it's like looking into a mirror. Plus he's totally
hot. The way he swaggers, his brutish nature, his tendency to carpet-bomb
nations instead of using intelligence agencies and special forces, his
strong and forceful denial of encroaching realities, and his embrace
of primitive religious precepts all make me feel safe, secure, and a
little moist. He's gotten much better at reading his teleprompter lately.
I know for whom I'm voting, and why:
Mr. Bush; I do want some wood.