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Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden


Buffalo in Briefs


Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters



Kino Korner


Album Reviews: Tom Waits, De La Soul


Misfits Roadie's Haunted House -Ken Barnes



High Quality Losers: Numbers Game Pays little for Bills -Ronnie Roscoe


Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

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Archives--Old BEASTs






2004 The Beast

Just a little over a week after the spacious and beautiful Smithsonian Museum of the American Indian was opened, officials from the American History Museum have stolen the building for their own use, according to reports from museum personnel.

"Look, we're all for worshipping the buffalo, or whatever the hell those savages were doing, but we need more space for our new exhibit preserving the exact 'Central Perk' set from Friends that we're putting right next to Archie Bunker's chair and Fonzie's jacket," said museum director Brent Glass. "We're talking priceless American history here, people! And it really needed it's rightful place in front of the American public."

But the new exhibit is not the only reason why museum officials say they needed the extra space.

"Our cafeteria was getting really crowded around lunchtime, especially when the junior high school tours came through," explained Glass. "Now, we could just let them wait and take our chances that they won't skedadle over to McDonald's, or we could build a nice footbridge over to this new museum and set up a nice stir-fry and corn dogs station right where they had that sacred Indian burial ground exhibit."

"I think it was a no-brainer," he insisted.

Glass did acknowledge that the news could be shocking to the 25,000 Native Americans who made the trip to Washington from areas thousands of miles away. But he also says that the museum is prepared to handle them.

"In keeping with traditional Native American economics, there will be a trading system which will allow them to catch a glimpse of the remnants of their museum, which are now stuffed into a storage locker in the museum's basement," he said. "For example, they can trade us five acres of their land for a five minute glimpse, ten acres for a six minute glimpse, 20 acres for a six and a half minute glimpse, et cetera. It's all very customary."

Glass added that as a bonus, some Native Americans would receive special diseases in their trades, as well.

In addition, John V. Cogbill III, chairman of the National Capital Planning Commission, says that the nation's capital is also prepared for the massive influx of American Indians.

"Well, if they don't mind, we've set up a tent city, or 'reservation' if you will, over in Rock Creek Park," he said. "Sure, there's no real housing or any kind of decent facilities there, but we promise to make it up to them by providing all of them with cheap booze and cigarettes for the duration of their stay. Plus, they're free to set up slots and other gaming tables in the park as much as they like."

Back at what was briefly the American Indian Museum, a lone man identified as an Apache tribal chief has been standing vigil outside the building's doors since the American History takeover. After a young boy walked out of the museum gift shop and dropped trash -- most likely some kind of product packaging -- on the street, the chief was seen with a single tear spilling down his cheek.

"That kid just paid $13.50 for a lousy Smithsonian jumbo pencil," he muttered angrily.

Jake Novak writes for enduringvision.com, “a webpage of satire, and also love.”


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ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...

Truth is Overrated Al Uthman

It's been almost a week since the second Presidential debate, and I'm still baffled at the post-debate coverage.

Well, no, that's not really true. I remember turning to a fellow viewer as we watched Bush go to pieces and saying, "watch; they're gonna come on and call it for Bush."

Kneeling Before George Merry Dunce

Man, It's so cool to have my own column. Now whenever I get mad that my liberal traitor colleagues are smarter than me, I can regurgitate White House talking points all over the region's only major newspaper! No need for boring insight or analysis; after all, I'm a Republican! We hate that brie-eating crap!

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