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Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden


Buffalo in Briefs


Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters



Kino Korner


Album Reviews: Tom Waits, De La Soul


Misfits Roadie's Haunted House -Ken Barnes



High Quality Losers: Numbers Game Pays little for Bills -Ronnie Roscoe


Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs






2004 The Beast

with Andrew Gullerstein


 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, I had planned on conferring with the stars about you the other night, but instead I spent the entire evening watching UFO documentaries on the History Channel, and I didn't really get any conferring done. The only thing I can tell you is that your friend Xaiuptran from the planet Qurirah needs to schedule another rectal exam and implant upgrade. So if you could plan a camping trip sometime soon, that'd be great.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, I know that by the time this prints you will no longer be with us, but I just wanted to say that I think you were a great cat. You were more than just a pet; you were a loyal companion and a great source of entertainment and comfort. I will never forget how you run out the door whenever someone tried to come in the house or how you would stick your paws under the bedroom door and meow whenever we were trying to have sex or how you would run and jump onto the coffee table and slide off the end, taking random objects with you. I hope your next life is as full of love and fun as this one…Goodbye.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Sagittarius, we have chatted many times, and I know how hard you work to support your family and the concerns you have voiced: your worry about being able to afford college tuition for your son, as well concern as to how you will get by after you retire. You genuinely believe things need to change for the middle class, and I am in full agreement with you. Then last week a car pulled up to your house and placed a "Bush/Cheney '04" campaign sign on your front lawn while I gawked on my porch in complete disbelief. What the fuck is wrong with you, Sagittarius? You support people that could truly not care less about you or your family. You are one of the "Have-nots," and the "Haves" don't give a shit about you, and now I don't give a shit about you either. So don't come bitching to me when your job is outsourced to India. Oh yeah-I want my fucking weed whacker back, dickhead.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, you need to stop coating yourself with hot fudge and tackling random people walking by your house. That one woman still has nightmares and urinates on herself every time a Dairy Queen commercial comes on TV. I don't know what your motivation is, but those restraining orders are starting to pile up. It's time to get some help and make some personal changes, Capricorn. And I don't mean switching to butterscotch.

 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Aquarius, the Cosmos has given me a message for you: stop being such a fucking kiss-ass at the office. It's making everyone else sick the way you stick your tongue up the boss's ass all the time, especially when you mimic what he says seconds after he does. You may want to know that your officemates share fantasies about beating you to death with three-ring binders and dragging your corpse through the hallways. Just do your fucking job like everyone else and stop being such a brown-nosing little shit heel. Have a good week, Aquarius.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, you cut me off in traffic the other day and all I can say is that you should be glad I don't possess a mutant ability to throw cars vast distances with my mind. You are an asshole, Pisces.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, I know what you're thinking: "Dear God, let the farting stop before they figure out it's me." I have news for you Aries; God has no intention of bailing you out of this one and hopes you're smart enough to learn your lesson. "What lesson," you ask? Let me give you a hint: when meeting your fiancée's parents for the first time, it might not be wise to eat $20 worth of Taco Bell food, or any quantity of Taco Bell food for that matter, in the same day. As a rule, no one should eat any food that smells the same in fart form as it does when you eat it. As for your prospective in-laws, it is a good bet that they figured out you were the source of the olfactory assault, considering that their home doesn't usually smell like a Mexican prison on chili night. Look to Uranus for wisdom, Aries, and please step outside for a while.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Same shit different year, eh Taurus? It's odd how the world keeps moving no matter how hard you want to make it stand still. That's the problem with time, Taurus; it keeps on moving along with or without your compliance, and eventually all of your bullshit catches up to you and there is no one else around to pick up the check. Christ, I look over the awful gibberish I just wrote and get sick from writing in metaphor about things that should be black and white, but truth is regarded as hostility. All is revealed to the stars, Taurus; there are no secrets and still you are loved. Just be who you are, because it's one thing to be full of shit but quite another to be so fucking smug about it.

 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, you sit there wondering why your girlfriend wants to "see other people?" When, you ask, did the romance disappear from the relationship? I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure it was right around the same time that you started openly masturbating during the "West Wing" marathon. Did you really feel that secure in the relationship that you could just whip it out and get down without any concern or consideration to the fact that your girlfriend was on the couch with you? Then, just because she didn't say anything, you felt carte blanche was given to the whole jerking-off-in-the-living-room thing, not to mention repeatedly falling asleep with dick still in hand. I would have to say that you made a judgment error on this one, Gemini, and it cost you a relationship. On the bright side, you can now play with yourself as much as you want-it's not like you have much choice.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Hindsight is 20/20, Cancer, but it change the fact that you ate a bunch of pot brownies shortly before trying to write that damn economics paper. Now you cannot seem to stop laughing about the new episode of "Venture Brothers," and are praying that what you're writing will make sense when it's finished. The only advice I can give you is to keep drinking coffee and hope that your theory of a Cool Ranch Doritos-based economy can be made sound in thirty to thirty-five pages. You may want to include some charts for added credibility.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo my friend, we've talked about the touching and still your picture ends up on the news. We even used puppets to illustrate the important points, so pardon me for not buying that confused look on your face in the mug shot. Whatever happens from this point forward it's a pretty good bet you won't be chaperoning the Boy's Choir any time soon.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, I just want you to know that I'm sorry Aries keeps farting in front of your parents. At least he excused himself from the room a couple of times out of courtesy. He's not a bad guy, and you need to understand that among his colleagues your fiancée's gastrointestinal abilities have gained him a certain degree of respect. I know it doesn't change the fact that your Mother is going to have to get the living room repainted and the armchair steamed, but hey, he's the same guy that drove to your apartment at 3am to bring you pudding. Give that some thought on the drive home; just be sure to keep the windows down.


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