BUFFALO 2005 - BEAST MAYORAL CONTEST
ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the
next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal
BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE
TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing
to run for the position of Mayor in 2005. The contestants chosen will
compete against each other in a contest similar to a cross between
The Apprentice, Survivor, and Fear Factor all rolled into one.
1. Be a registered Democrat. Hey, Buffalo's a Democratic town, and
when in Rome, well you know.
2. You must be willing to actually run and serve as Mayor if elected.
Once the BEAST candidate is chosen, the BEAST and our army of volunteers
will do everything that we can possibly get away with to get you elected.
Why now, you ask? We're sick of the Presidential race.
Bush is probably going to win, and we're going to have four more years
of Orwellian misery-and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
Or is there? They say all politics are local, and we
at The BEAST think that the only way to ensure our future is to start
taking back our own turf, and we're starting with Buffalo. Hell, it's
Buffalo; nobody wants it anyway. And you know the politicians are
going to run some schmuck, so we thought it was time that an actual
person get chosen to run in a truly democratic fashion-Reality Journalism.
The 16 contestants will face off in 15 different challenges
documented by The Beast, and we will eliminate the worst contestant
after each challenge. Some of the challenges we are considering:
1. It is said that when you are in Politics you are
swimming with the sharks. We'd like to have our politicians swim in
shark tank and see who lasts the longest but we wouldn't do that to
defenseless sharks. Our candidate needs to show that that he/she can
swim with the political sharks so we will send them into volunteer
to work for a politician and return with the most scathing item or
information they can obtain about that politician.
2. We believe that the ability to function while your
ability is impaired by alcohol and drugs is a must for any politician.
We will have the contestants ingest vast quantities of alcohol and
drugs and they perform tests of skill to prove their ability to function
3. Any politician that doesn't want to lose the very
next election must be able to ignore the putrid state of our environment
or risk incurring the wrath of his/her corporate benefactors. The
lakes and waterways in Buffalo are disgustingly polluted and the fish
are unsafe to eat. The contestants will engage in a polluted fish
4. Cigarettes are pretty much banned in all public places
in NYS, but herbal cigarettes are not. We will have our contestants
go to public event and smoke as many herbal cigarettes they can until
they are thrown out or arrested.
5. A good politician knows how to do things on the sly.
Buffalo shares a border with Canada and after 9/11 the borders have
tightened security in fear of terrorists. We will see how many times
our contestants can get back and fourth over the US/Canada border
while transporting a large brick of contraband and not getting caught.
6. You need to be able to sling mud in politics so we'll
have our contestants during a one week period seek out public figurers
at public events and loudly hurl insults at them until thrown out
of the event. The most insults wins.
7. In politics the Media is everything, we will see
what contestant can get mentioned in the media on his own the most
by pulling off any stunt possible in a 2 week period.
8. In keeping with the type of persuasion they'll need
to convince Buffalo to elect them, Contestants will visit a cancer
hospice and convince a real terminal patient that they are going to
be just fine, thanks to a new miracle cure.
9. Contestants will drive recklessly in an attempt to
incur a ticket for a traffic violation. Once charged, they will be
required to get out of it somehow, either by fighting in court or
through back channels.
10. Contestants will be sent blindfolded to run errands
on Bailey Avenue, to demonstrate a longstanding Mayoral requirement
in Buffalo: being able to do their job without ever actually seeing
a black person.
These are just a few of the examples of what we plan
to do through out this contest. The contest will span throughout 15
issues of The Beast. The remaining contestant will be The Beast endorsed
candidate for mayor. That person will then undertake an official campaign
aided by The Beast to actually win the Democratic Primary and then
the November 2005 election. The Beast candidate will then take office
and Buffalo will rise again to prominence guided by the loyal Beast