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Issue #61

Features:

Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


Faux-tures:

Our Election Campaign Sponsors

The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def

Beastivities

Sports:

Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley










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Issue #60

Features:

Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden




Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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2004 The Beast

Fiscal Diarrhea - Frankly we're speechless. What haven't we already said about Erie County's fiscal meltdown under Don Joel Giambra? The Tobacco Settlement money's long gone (except for the debt we owe on the loans against the payoff), ECMC's been sold and mortgaged for over a $100 million, and the county still faces a $130 million deficit. Didn't this guy just get re-elected? What the hell are you people thinking? Giambra's destroyed Erie County and blamed it all on the State Legislature and Medicaid, a move which hasn't won him any new friends in Albany. In fact, it pissed them off so much they won't let him raise the sales tax to 9.25%, which is where the fun really begins. Now it's time to cut, drastically, down to the state-mandated bare essentials. Giambra won favor by cutting property taxes, a savvy political move (i.e. idiotic) which got him a second term. Too bad it left us wide open to being crushed by the Medicaid bills which every other county in the state prepared for. That's what happens when politicians choose themselves over their constituency, they fuck ordinary people and don't care who gets hurt because they still get rich and enjoy their privileges and perks. Everybody's pointing fingers, but the blame really rests with us. We elected these dickwads and it's a disaster. Pretty funny how Giambra schemed to sic a control board on Buffalo for a measly $30 million deficit, then ran up a mind boggling $130 million deficit for the county. He wanted a raise because he felt he was the CEO of a $1 billion dollar business, but if he really were, the shareholders would have his head on a platter.


Self Defense 101 - Okay, here's the deal: If you get mugged and turn the tables on your attacker, you cannot shoot them in the back as they're running away. That's what happened at Joe's Sunoco on Elmwood Avenue when some punk waved a gun in clerk Michael Budd's face and demanded the cash. Budd, who may be watching too many Steven Seagal movies, wrestled the gun away and ran after the fleeing crook, shooting twice and hitting him once in the arm. That's a big no-no, and Budd wound up in the Erie County Holding Center along with the would-be robber on a second-degree assault charge. Cellino and Barnes types will surely jump on, so the crook will probably make bank on the bullet in his arm. Even botched crime pays these days.



Coffee &…Arson - Sad news for java junkies when the newest Elmwood Avenue coffeehouse burned to the ground in the predawn hours Thursday. We actually had a front row seat on our way to work and watched owner Lon Coldiron being rescued from the roof. The building, which also housed the venerable Chick's Barber Shop, was declared a disaster and demolished faster than you can down a double espresso. The competition is truly brutal on Elmwood. Coldiron claims an anonymous man has been calling for months saying he would burn the place down. Maybe he got some bad joe? All investigators know is someone doused the place with gasoline and lit a match. They also found a gas can with fingerprints in Coldiron's car. We're not professional detectives, but it seems either the man's being set up really good or he's ready to cash out of the coffee business and none too smart about it. Either way, there's a big hole on the Elmwood strip now-we smell another parking lot controversy coming.


Happy Parenting - Isn't it great having kids when you're still a kid yourself? A 21-year-old "mom" from Waverly Street found out the hard way that three-year-olds are fragile things after beating and burning the baby over the weekend then abandoning her on the street. Neighbors found the little girl wandering unattended with black eyes and nasty bruises and wisely called police on the crack-head neighbor. The tot made her first trip to ECMC under the auspices of Child Protective Services. When mom called the hospital inquiring about the baby and was told the cops were involved she replied, "Then you keep her." Welcome to a wonderful world, kid.

 


Dude, Where's My Gun and Badge? Bad luck for Major Crimes Unit Detective Chuck Aronica. His car was parked on Crescent Avenue overnight and a thief broke in and hit the abduction jackpot: gun, badge, and police ID. Ouch. Now it's all out there, on a new journey, darker and more twisted than anything even a cop could dream up. That's pretty hard to live down in the locker room: "Hey Chuck, lose your fuckin' gun and badge lately, dumbass?" A set of golf clubs valued at a $1000 were also stolen, proving the detective kept all his priorities in the car.

 


Worse Than Lawyers - How heart-wrenching it was reading the News' account of the dying taxi industry in Buffalo. So touching, these poor guys and gals; they're out humping it all day and night and nobody wants a cab anymore besides drunken fools and oddball shut-ins. Maybe that's because it costs $15 dollars to go six blocks and that doesn't quite add up when you're living on minimum wage. A DWI is cheaper than a taxi from Chippewa to Amherst. These cabs are all beat up and scummy anyway, manned by some really bizarre characters. Some let you smoke and drink, some let you smoke up, others will intoxicate you with their own peculiar aroma. Now the City Council, which regulates local cab fares, is considering a 40% hike, which should pretty much price them out of the market. We'll have to stay tuned and see just how powerful the cabbie lobby is in political circles. Seeing as most drunken politicians have their own tax-paid limo, we bet it ain't too strong.


Last Call - Saturday night, okay, actually Sunday morning, right around 3:30 AM, last call. We sidled up to the bar at Jimmy Mac's and ordered a beer and two shots of Crown Royal. Toasting a radiant blonde, high as a kite, smoking Marlboros, we reflected on all the good times we've had there, mostly black-out affairs where we wind up back home passed out on the floor with the front door wide open. It was pure, old fashioned, drunken fun, the lights came up, time to stumble home, and that was the end of an era. On Monday Jimmy Mac's closed after 23 years and Rick Naylon blames the smoking ban for putting him and 35 employees out of business. It was a brutal ride; the ban came and he tried working the system to get a waiver and found the only way to do that was be a bowling alley or a bingo joint. The smoking ban definitely affected Naylon's profit margin, and as hopeless smokers we applaud him for giving authorities the finger and fighting a futile fight because somebody's got to, dammit. Word is Mark Supples (Mother's) is buying Jimmy Mac's and will hopefully retain the great staff which gave the place its charm and character. This is a no-brainer, turnkey operation; only we doubt there'll be anymore indoor smoking, so stay tuned to see if the ban really does kill business.



 

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MAYORAL SURVIVOR: A BEAST CONTEST

ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...


The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.


Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.


Onward Christian Assholes Matt Taibbi

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.





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