death toll for Americans killed by the flu stands at over 60 million
as of tonight, caused by what most media sources describe as a "gigantic,
massive" shortage in flu-shots.
are dying left and right," reported Fox news anchor Dave Huddleston
on the 10 o'clock news at a Philadelphia, PA station last night. "In
fact, this guy I saw coming when I was coming in here was like, 'Jesus
Christ, I'm dying of the flu,' and I said, 'This thing is out of control!'
And it is, America. It is out of fucking control."
news anchor Dan Rather called the lack of flu shots "the biggest
motherfucking crisis humanity has ever faced."
hell has broken loose here at our stations," he shouted, a flashing
red light of what was presumably some kind of flu emergency siren
washing over his face. "I have been in the news business for
over 500 years, and believe me when I say that the lack of flu shots
this year is the worst thing in history."
and gentlemen," he added gravely as an explosion rocked the desk
and rained glass down on him, "America is doomed."
news anchor Wolf Blitzer, meanwhile, suggested that other countries
"might be a good place to turn right about now."
is seriously about one hundred million times better than this right
now," he said. "If I wasn't such a dedicated news reporter
committed to giving you the straight story, I myself would be on my
way there right now. But alas, I have to stay here and report on the
Death Flu that now envelops our country."
then injected what he called a "homemade flu vaccine" into
his left arm and collapsed on the floor moments later, twitching uncontrollably.
to these alarming reports, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy
Thompson issued a statement today telling Americans that the vaccine
shortage is "not a crisis" and that no severe flu threat
even exists right now.
really don't know why the news stations -- and even the political
candidates -- are giving this issue so much attention," he said,
bewildered. "We've got a shipment of more vaccines on the way,
and -- "
this point, Thompson was suddenly interrupted by a crazed Larry King,
who bit the man savagely in the face and shouted, "Why are you
lying to the public, Tommy? WE'RE IN A FUCKING CRISIS HERE AND CNN
HAS YOU COVERED!"
by the news, many Americans have jammed local doctor's offices by
the hundreds as they line up to get their shots, with a few elderly
citizens even dying in line as they awaited their vaccination.
feel bad that that one old woman died, but to be brutally honest,
I'm also glad, because if I don't get that fucking shot, I will die,"
said one man. "Or at the very least, experience a fever and weakness
for a few days."
there, sonny," croaked one elderly man with a smile. "I'm
just here adjusting my dentures and waiting for my shot, and hoping
I don't piss myself --"
man's face then fell to one side, revealing a young man underneath.
FAKING!" shouted another elderly man nearby who was presumably
actually elderly, grabbing his cane and descending on the hapless
imposter. "HE'S TRYING TO TAKE THE SHOTS!"
issue has become one of the most important of the presidential campaigns,
with candidate Senator John Kerry charging that he could've done more
than President Bush to "stop the insanity".
could've seen the future!" he shouted crazily. "I could've,
and I would've!"
meanwhile, suggested that John Edwards, by being a former lawyer,
caused the flu somehow.
trial lawyers are always...you know, and that stuff!" Bush yelled.
"Lawyers! Am I right?"