Issue #61


Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


Our Election Campaign Sponsors

The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter


Buffalo in Briefs


The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters



Kino Korner


Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def



Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe


I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Last Issue #60

Issue #60


Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden


Buffalo in Briefs


Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs






2004 The Beast

The death toll for Americans killed by the flu stands at over 60 million as of tonight, caused by what most media sources describe as a "gigantic, massive" shortage in flu-shots.

"Americans are dying left and right," reported Fox news anchor Dave Huddleston on the 10 o'clock news at a Philadelphia, PA station last night. "In fact, this guy I saw coming when I was coming in here was like, 'Jesus Christ, I'm dying of the flu,' and I said, 'This thing is out of control!' And it is, America. It is out of fucking control."

CBS news anchor Dan Rather called the lack of flu shots "the biggest motherfucking crisis humanity has ever faced."

"All hell has broken loose here at our stations," he shouted, a flashing red light of what was presumably some kind of flu emergency siren washing over his face. "I have been in the news business for over 500 years, and believe me when I say that the lack of flu shots this year is the worst thing in history."

"Ladies and gentlemen," he added gravely as an explosion rocked the desk and rained glass down on him, "America is doomed."

CNN news anchor Wolf Blitzer, meanwhile, suggested that other countries "might be a good place to turn right about now."

"Iraq is seriously about one hundred million times better than this right now," he said. "If I wasn't such a dedicated news reporter committed to giving you the straight story, I myself would be on my way there right now. But alas, I have to stay here and report on the Death Flu that now envelops our country."

Blitzer then injected what he called a "homemade flu vaccine" into his left arm and collapsed on the floor moments later, twitching uncontrollably.

Contrary to these alarming reports, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson issued a statement today telling Americans that the vaccine shortage is "not a crisis" and that no severe flu threat even exists right now.

"I really don't know why the news stations -- and even the political candidates -- are giving this issue so much attention," he said, bewildered. "We've got a shipment of more vaccines on the way, and -- "

At this point, Thompson was suddenly interrupted by a crazed Larry King, who bit the man savagely in the face and shouted, "Why are you lying to the public, Tommy? WE'RE IN A FUCKING CRISIS HERE AND CNN HAS YOU COVERED!"

Frightened by the news, many Americans have jammed local doctor's offices by the hundreds as they line up to get their shots, with a few elderly citizens even dying in line as they awaited their vaccination.

"I feel bad that that one old woman died, but to be brutally honest, I'm also glad, because if I don't get that fucking shot, I will die," said one man. "Or at the very least, experience a fever and weakness for a few days."

"Hello there, sonny," croaked one elderly man with a smile. "I'm just here adjusting my dentures and waiting for my shot, and hoping I don't piss myself --"

The man's face then fell to one side, revealing a young man underneath.

"HE'S FAKING!" shouted another elderly man nearby who was presumably actually elderly, grabbing his cane and descending on the hapless imposter. "HE'S TRYING TO TAKE THE SHOTS!"

The issue has become one of the most important of the presidential campaigns, with candidate Senator John Kerry charging that he could've done more than President Bush to "stop the insanity".

"I could've seen the future!" he shouted crazily. "I could've, and I would've!"

Bush, meanwhile, suggested that John Edwards, by being a former lawyer, caused the flu somehow.

"Those trial lawyers are always...you know, and that stuff!" Bush yelled. "Lawyers! Am I right?"


.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives


ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...

The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.

Onward Christian Assholes Matt Taibbi

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.

A Word From Our Sponsors

New National and Local Campaign Ads Increase the Attack Level.



Buffalo in Briefs

Fiscal Diarrhea - Frankly, we're speechless. What haven't we already said about Erie County's fiscal meltdown under Don Joel Giambra? The Tobacco Settlement money's long gone (except for the debt we owe on the loans against the payoff), ECMC's been sold and mortgaged for over a $100 million, and the county still faces a $130 million deficit. Didn't this guy just get re-elected? What the hell are you people thinking?

A Talk With Sam Hoyt

Eric Gauchat

Sam Hoyt caught my attention during the Democratic primary for the 144th NY Assembly District. During that race, Hoyt, a 12-year incumbent in the post, faced Joe Golombek, a Buffalo City Councilman. The race was very close, with Golombek launching an intense campaign backed by a number of people, including County Executive Joel Giambra. Hoyt managed to take the nomination, almost assuredly locking a victory in the Democrat-heavy 144th.

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves

Kit Smith

Breast Cancer Awareness Month was launched in 1985 by Zeneca Pharmaceuticals. Zeneca is the company that manufactures the widely prescribed breast cancer drug Nolvadex (generic name tamoxifen), and operates a chain of cancer care centers. No conflict of interest there! All TV, radio, and print media regarding Breast Cancer Awareness Month are paid for and must be approved by Zeneca. But wait; there's more.

Scary Election Funpage!

Fun Games and Facts About the Upcoming Election.



Free Hit Counter
free hit counter