(October 23 - November 22)
I hate to be the one to break it to you but you are not an artist.
It's not that your work is unrefined and hard to understand, it
is more to do with the fact that your work sucks. To be clear, your
"artwork" really sucks in the most suck-oriented way possible.
I would rather stake a smelly dead squirrel to my wall than any
of your canvassed atrocities. The colleges will keep taking your
money, but won't make you suck any less. Maybe in this case you
should have paid more attention to your high-school aptitude tests
that consistently came up with "Farmer" for a career.
Just put down the paintbrush, Scorpio, and face the fact that after
263 paintings you have yet to get laid.
(November 23 - December 21)
Sagittarius, did you ever wonder where all of your old panties have
gotten off to? Well, lets just say that Pisces has been engaged
in a little entrepreneurial venture on the side. You see, he takes
your old panties (preferably soiled) and sells them to sad balding
men at the adult bookstore. It would seem your particular brand
is selling like hotcakes, and old Pisces is making a small fortune.
Now, before you get all upset I want you to think about marketing.
Hell you could go global as a dot.com if you think it through. Please
stop shrieking; it's upsetting the neighbors.
(December 22 - January 20)
shit, Capricorn, you need to stop eating Mexican food. Because of
you there has been a methane advisory and some children have been
hospitalized. Yesterday you farted on the bus and an old woman actually
died of respiratory distress. I know you like refried beans and
rice but I think you need to look a little farther than your likes
and show some civic responsibility. Give Italian or Greek a try
before the EPA gets involved.
(January 21 - February 19)
it's the assholes from The Beast." Is that what you said, Aquarius?
Just because we bitch-slapped your sad little paper around with
your own arrogance and inability to take a joke doesn't mean we
hate you. We would have done some sort of funny segment about your
bitch-like behavior at the Nader rally but that would be like rewarding
a child because he threw a temper tantrum and held his breath until
passing out. Take some Ex-Lax and let it go, Aquarius, because the
Abbott and Costello routine is getting boring.
(February 20 - March 20)
I know you really want to buy that engagement ring and have a big
surprise for her birthday, but I don't think selling her used panties
to perverts behind the adult book store is the way to do it. Maybe
a part time job would do the trick and probably wouldn't horrify
and repulse her as much as the panty thing you have going here.
Please Pisces, stop before she catches on to your insistence that
she go to the gym and "work up a good sweat" all the time.
Jesus Pisces, you're a dirtbag.
(March 21 - April 20)
have you ever noticed how many really stupid people there are wandering
around this world? Just drive through a poor neighborhood and count
the number of "Bush-Cheney" signs befouling the lawns.
If you're honest and objective, the only conclusion one can make
is that these people are fucking morons and that television has
succeeded in brainwashing and benumbing an entire civilization.
These are the people that buy volcano insurance and Tony Robbins
tapes, and we need to protect from their own stupidity. Now put
the fucking bong down, Aries, and get out there and vote.
(April 21 - May 20)
whatever you do and no matter how desperate you may be, never substitute
Clorox Disinfecting Wipes for toilet paper. Never, Taurus.
(May 21 - June 20)
the next time I hear you say that you're "watching your carbs,"
I am going to beat the shit out of you using a bread machine. Then
I am going to strap you to a chair and make you eat a whole crate
of English muffins. Fifteen years ago it was oat bran, and then
eggs were bad for you; now it's the poor carbohydrates that have
to pay the price for your sad grasp at life. Stop being such an
asshole Gemini-bread doesn't kill people; I kill people.
(June 21 - July 22)
why are you so afraid of the retarded boy in school who likes to
publicly masturbate? He's not hurting anyone outside of his imagination
and it's really more entertainment that most kids get in a school
cafeteria. You just need to take a deep breath, Cancer, and give
yourself a story you can tell to your kids. Just chill out and enjoy
taco day, because you know what Mongo likes to do with his tacos.
(July 23 - August 22)
you know I didn't run that red light asshole.
(August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, if you care so fucking much about preserving old houses on
Elmwood Ave., why don't you buy one and fix it up? There are plenty
of them to go around and we all know you have the money. When the
Mayor knocks down some run-down houses on the East Side he's a hero,
but when a resident and business owner wants to do it with his own
property in order to expand his successful business you make him
a villain. The truth is that it's his fucking house and if he wants
to knock it down that is his business, just the same as if he wanted
to parade around the porch in a thong all day screaming "SMELL
MY ASS!" it's his right. Personally, I'll take the rubble.
Progress may not always be a good thing, Virgo, but it's not necessarily
a bad thing either. Fact is, the future is inevitable, and the status
quo will eventually come to an end, and that is why you reek of
fear. All empires fall, Virgo and the Visigoths shall have their
reign. Take a look at your own actions before throwing handfuls
of shit at those of others.