The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

with Andrew Gullerstein

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, I hate to be the one to break it to you but you are not an artist. It's not that your work is unrefined and hard to understand, it is more to do with the fact that your work sucks. To be clear, your "artwork" really sucks in the most suck-oriented way possible. I would rather stake a smelly dead squirrel to my wall than any of your canvassed atrocities. The colleges will keep taking your money, but won't make you suck any less. Maybe in this case you should have paid more attention to your high-school aptitude tests that consistently came up with "Farmer" for a career. Just put down the paintbrush, Scorpio, and face the fact that after 263 paintings you have yet to get laid.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Hey Sagittarius, did you ever wonder where all of your old panties have gotten off to? Well, lets just say that Pisces has been engaged in a little entrepreneurial venture on the side. You see, he takes your old panties (preferably soiled) and sells them to sad balding men at the adult bookstore. It would seem your particular brand is selling like hotcakes, and old Pisces is making a small fortune. Now, before you get all upset I want you to think about marketing. Hell you could go global as a dot.com if you think it through. Please stop shrieking; it's upsetting the neighbors.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Holy shit, Capricorn, you need to stop eating Mexican food. Because of you there has been a methane advisory and some children have been hospitalized. Yesterday you farted on the bus and an old woman actually died of respiratory distress. I know you like refried beans and rice but I think you need to look a little farther than your likes and show some civic responsibility. Give Italian or Greek a try before the EPA gets involved.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

"Hey, it's the assholes from The Beast." Is that what you said, Aquarius? Just because we bitch-slapped your sad little paper around with your own arrogance and inability to take a joke doesn't mean we hate you. We would have done some sort of funny segment about your bitch-like behavior at the Nader rally but that would be like rewarding a child because he threw a temper tantrum and held his breath until passing out. Take some Ex-Lax and let it go, Aquarius, because the Abbott and Costello routine is getting boring.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, I know you really want to buy that engagement ring and have a big surprise for her birthday, but I don't think selling her used panties to perverts behind the adult book store is the way to do it. Maybe a part time job would do the trick and probably wouldn't horrify and repulse her as much as the panty thing you have going here. Please Pisces, stop before she catches on to your insistence that she go to the gym and "work up a good sweat" all the time. Jesus Pisces, you're a dirtbag.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, have you ever noticed how many really stupid people there are wandering around this world? Just drive through a poor neighborhood and count the number of "Bush-Cheney" signs befouling the lawns. If you're honest and objective, the only conclusion one can make is that these people are fucking morons and that television has succeeded in brainwashing and benumbing an entire civilization. These are the people that buy volcano insurance and Tony Robbins tapes, and we need to protect from their own stupidity. Now put the fucking bong down, Aries, and get out there and vote.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Taurus, whatever you do and no matter how desperate you may be, never substitute Clorox Disinfecting Wipes for toilet paper. Never, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, the next time I hear you say that you're "watching your carbs," I am going to beat the shit out of you using a bread machine. Then I am going to strap you to a chair and make you eat a whole crate of English muffins. Fifteen years ago it was oat bran, and then eggs were bad for you; now it's the poor carbohydrates that have to pay the price for your sad grasp at life. Stop being such an asshole Gemini-bread doesn't kill people; I kill people.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, why are you so afraid of the retarded boy in school who likes to publicly masturbate? He's not hurting anyone outside of his imagination and it's really more entertainment that most kids get in a school cafeteria. You just need to take a deep breath, Cancer, and give yourself a story you can tell to your kids. Just chill out and enjoy taco day, because you know what Mongo likes to do with his tacos.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, you know I didn't run that red light asshole.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Y'know Virgo, if you care so fucking much about preserving old houses on Elmwood Ave., why don't you buy one and fix it up? There are plenty of them to go around and we all know you have the money. When the Mayor knocks down some run-down houses on the East Side he's a hero, but when a resident and business owner wants to do it with his own property in order to expand his successful business you make him a villain. The truth is that it's his fucking house and if he wants to knock it down that is his business, just the same as if he wanted to parade around the porch in a thong all day screaming "SMELL MY ASS!" it's his right. Personally, I'll take the rubble. Progress may not always be a good thing, Virgo, but it's not necessarily a bad thing either. Fact is, the future is inevitable, and the status quo will eventually come to an end, and that is why you reek of fear. All empires fall, Virgo and the Visigoths shall have their reign. Take a look at your own actions before throwing handfuls of shit at those of others.