Issue #61


Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


Our Election Campaign Sponsors

The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter


Buffalo in Briefs


The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters



Kino Korner


Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def



Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe


I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Last Issue #60

Issue #60


Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden


Buffalo in Briefs


Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs






2004 The Beast


Dear Beast,

As a faithful beast reader I came across an article that made me laugh hysterically. Why? Because I swore that I could be the mayor of this GREAT but distugstingly ran city one day, and then I read the artical for survivor, Its for me the second I read it. Im down. If you guys are for real, Im down.

My Name is Eric C. Im 21 years old and want to be on Mayoral Survivor!!!! Im registered as a Democrat, and always will be. My father ran for Mayor back in the 80's against Jimmy Griffin-----republican prick, but a good guy lol, and my father was the endorsed Democrat, and lost....so maybe I'll take over what he started. Im down to battle

Eric the man

Dear Eric,

You're a shoo-in to make the contest. Applications are streaming in, folks; don't miss your chance to be a part of our ridiculous Mayoral farce! You too can be a tool of our contempt for the political process!


folks im hoping youi can help me find an issue of your magazine that has an interview with grover norquists ass id sure like to read it cuz bushs advisor karl rove is a real dogturd in my opinion and i found that interview funny

karl rove is a piece of u know hat if h e did some of the things he has done on political activities to me , and i met him on the street id kick his ass and rip his balls off


Dear Don,

Are you sure he hasn't already done some of those things to you? The Norquist article is from issue #43, which you can read in the archives section of our website. Can you read?


A disconcerted local social worker brings up some valid points in his/her letter. The problem is that so many of the people Jonathon was referring to actually refer to themselves and their civil servent collegues as Social Workers. If that's the case, maybe we could solve two problems at once here. First of all disconcerted, if you dosen't like people using the title "Social Worker", than maybe you should clean house, getting rid of all the fakers, and making Social Worker an earned title, like Esquire, or Doctor. Second, if we take all of these civil servants who Jonathon had the unfortunate opportunity of having to deal with, and make them earn their titles, going to school to get their masters degrees, perhaps it would improve their job efficiency at the Rath Building, and streamline the welfare process, saving us thousands in taxpayer dollars. Or just maybe if these wellies would get off of their collective butts and contribute something to society, we wouldn't need places like the Rath Building, and Civil Servents calling themselves social workers, and we could all just hang out and get a bong!
Paul Patel

Dear Paul,

We're way ahead of you, buddy.


is there any part time jobs available for evening's at the beast?

jeffrey zandrowicz

Dear Jeffrey,

That depends: do you want money?


To Editor:

I read an article that I really enjoyed and then I misplaced it. It was the one about Pegs Submarines in Niagara Falls, N.Y. now serving honkies. Is there anyway I can get a copy of it or the entire paper?

Sincerely, Carolyn Wilcox

Dear Carolyn,

That wasn't an article, it was an ad. And they threatened to sue us. Man, it's really true what they say--you just can't trust honkies these days.


Dear Beast,

Great publication...I love the political views/news, and especially appreciated the articles on the dairy and meat industries. (Very important info that is rarely discussed!) I also enjoy the honest restaurant reviews...I discovered my current favorite restaurant, Sofra, and 99's fantastic Pho through the Beast's recommendations.

Thanks again for your gusty and honest publication.

Tana Christiansen

Dear Tana,

You sound nice. How about we go out for steak and milkshakes?


To whom it may concern,

Love the paper guys keep up the kick ass work!


Dear Chris,



what happened to jailbait jenny? is she dead or something?

-linli linli

Dear linli,

Jenny's in a THC haze somewhere, disgruntled at our publication of weak pretenders Toobla and Chessy. Please, Jenny, forgive us! Your public misses you! Fine; be that way.


Hi, I recently discovered "The Beast", and I have thoroughly enjoyed your articles. A few minutes ago I sent an email to CBS and I included a copy of your article with it. So, I just wanted to let you know. I hope you don't mind. Here it is...............

With the latest disaster in Iraq, "Huge Cache of Explosives Vanished From Site in Iraq" being reported in the New York Times, do you now think it MIGHT be appropriate to air your report about the forged documents that were used to justify this giant lie to begin with?

Our kids are dying, our citizens continue to be deluded and manipulated with LIES. Our beloved Country has been turned into a monster of murderous rampage and destruction against the citizens (families and children) of Iraq. We have not only helped to created more terrorists, we have given the world reason to think their hatred for us is justified - and now we have provided the explosive for them to use!

PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY PLANNING TO VOTE FOR MORE OF THIS!! THEY NEED TO HAVE SOME FACTS! THAT IS YOUR JOB! PLEASE do it. Our Country is being destroyed in every imaginable way.....and you are sitting on a vital story. Why? Fear of embarrassment? Allergy to criticism? Whatever you imagine you have at stake in this, do you think it compares to what this Country - and therefore the World - have at stake? You have seemingly allowed a thoroughly immoral character like Karl Rove to control you.

The only reason so many people in this country fell for this fabricated Bush/Cheney reality in the first place is because the media laid down and rolled over for them like an obedient dog. Members of the United Nations didn't fall for it. In fact, the majority of ordinary people throughout the world could see through it! But that's because they were lucky enough to be outside of the influence of the American Media. Now is the time for our media to stand up for truth and service to the American public. Those who have the courage and integrity to do it will be the only ones to flourish in the future. Those who do not are doomed to failure. While many people are still walking around in a FOX NEWS fog, many others are NOT. The reign of this type of sound byte media is coming to an end. I hope that CBS will choose to be a survivor.

This Administration tried to convince the United Nations that Iraq's possession of materials that "could be used in making nuclear weapons" was enough reason to go to war. But now in yet another attempt to cover up their TRUE agenda and distract from their lies and incompetence this is their comment,

"A Pentagon spokesman, Lawrence Di Rita, said Sunday evening that Saddam Hussein's government "stored weapons in mosques, schools, hospitals and countless other locations," and that the allied forces "have discovered and destroyed perhaps thousands of tons of ordnance of all types." A senior military official noted that HMX and RDX were "available around the world" and not on the nuclear nonproliferation list, even though they are used in the nuclear warheads of many nations."

Now suddenly weapon making materials are not such a big deal? Saddam didn't make weapons available for terrorists to use against Americans, our own American President did! And, draft dodger that he is, he also conveniently sent our sons and daughters right into their backyard to take the brunt of it!

Let us be honest. The members of this administration have been planning the take-over of Iraq for more than 10 years. The only reason they didn't do it sooner was because they had to take over the White House first. It has always been about world domination through control of the world's oil supply. They haven't made any secret about this either! There are public records that they have written that describe it exactly that way. The PNAC papers for instance. Do you think THAT might be valuable information to share with the American citizens? September 11th was nothing more than a grand opportunity to them. They just went to work immediately at spinning it into a reason to attack Iraq!

They could have prevented it if they had been focused on terrorism instead of Iraq. They had PLENTY of warnings. But they did NOT care. For this administration, it has never been about the needs of the current circumstances. It has only been about moving forward with their long awaited agenda. They are not truly incompetent, it only appears that way because what they say they are trying to accomplish and what they are ACTUALLY trying to accomplish are two different things! The fact is, they are damn competent at what they are doing! That's why it needs to be exposed for what it is.

There has never been an ounce of concern for the safety and welfare of our soldiers, our citizens, or for the citizens of Iraq. Every move they have made confirms this, from the environment to the economy to foreign relations. An honest look at all of their preparations and their continued actions makes this abundantly clear. People are disposable and readily replaced. Oil is limited and precious. Both people and oil, are to be used as needed by the select few. It's just that simple. Please, they hardly even attempt to conceal it! The only thing they even attempted to protect from looting and destruction was the oil! Isn't it obvious why there was NEVER any exit plan!

So anyway, CBS, I do believe your report about the forged documents should be shown to the American people (before the election - otherwise you may have to just stuff it down the tubes along with our Country). Unlike the slanderous lies that the conniving creeps at Sinclair tried to pass off as "news" (what? A 30 year old opinion from people with very questionable motives, bent on destroying a mans well earned reputation) this stuff is legitimate, vital, current, and completely relevant NEWS!

In closing, I would like to share an article written by Allan Uthman in a recent issue of "The BEAST"

I agree with him 100%


Lisa Goodrich

Spring, Texas

Dear Lisa,

So do we. Great. Now Dan Rather will never stop calling. Have fun with the futility of voting Kerry in Texas.


this goes out to D.J.thank you so very much for your artical about TODD SCHULZ hats off to you also for an artical well done. you dont know the pain and hardach this basterd has caused my daughter and my family. yes i hope this jerk rots in jail.. but its sad to say the courts system sucks in buffalo because here i know that i did the right thing buy standing buy my daughter and the courts just made me feel and treated me like i was the pedifile.. the shit we went through and still going through its unreal..THANKS AGAIN FROM THE HEART ..


Dear Mustang,
Well, D.J.'s pretty much unable to answer your letter, but we'll let him know. We're glad he's brought you some joy. Some people aren't so appreciative of his prose. You might even say it's criminal! Hah! Jesus, we need a vacation.


To Whom It May Concern,
I'm a new reader to this newspaper and totally dumb-struck over the vulgarity Ive just read within the Issue #59 Sept 29 - Oct 13, 04!

Ive heard of freedom of speech but there's a limit when publically printed! Obsurd is to good for words. Why do you print such CRAP?

What generation of readers are you trying to attract??

Ive cut out a few of the articles that totally repelled me and others around!

Please get some boundary of restrictions in which you print within. There must be more out there you could find suitable to edit!

A disgusted "Ex": Reader

Dear Disgusted,

You only sent us four clippings of headlines and ads, including the word "hate," which is clearly not a swear word. We're disappointed at your inattentiveness, as you missed many many others, including "fuck" (27, 30), "fucking" (p. 4), "fucked up" (p. 4), "shit" (p. 2, 27), "shitty" (p. 3, 4), "shit heel" (p. 27), "bullshit" (p. 2, 4, 27, 30), "asshole" (p. 4, 9, 27, 30), "ass crack" (p. 18), "cocksucker" (p. 9), "fucking faggot cocksucker" (p. 18), "piss" (p. 31), "bitch" (p. 4), "bitching" (p. 27), "dickhead" (p. 27), and "prick" (p. 19), among many others.

Still, we'll take your fucking bullshit under advisement.


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