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Issue #61

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Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


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Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter



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Buffalo in Briefs

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The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def

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Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe



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I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley










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Issue #60

Features:

Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden




Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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2004 The Beast

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades--say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason. If everyone who would favor Kerry actually shows up, he will win decisively, and corrupt fascists like Scalia and Thomas won't get a chance to pervert our system again.


2. Tort Reform. The true genius of the Karl Rove PR monolith is the administration's ability to turn their most subversive and hideous policies into appealing soundbites. "Tort reform" plays well to middle Americans fed up with zany stories of absurd court abuse, but blaming frivolous lawsuits for the putrid condition of our health care system is truly insane. Civil suits are the common man's only recourse, and the only deterrent, against the wrongdoings of monstrous corporate entities. That is why the Republicans want to do away with them. All those stories about suffering OB/GYNs are window-dressing. When you go to the hospital for an appendectomy and wake up with one kidney, what do you do? You sue, and you should. Bush will take that away from you.


3. Voter Fraud. Look you idiots, this is not a crazy conspiracy theory. Ever since computers were introduced to this process, there has been a pattern of irregularities. The two major producers of record-less touchscreen machines are basically one huge corporate Republican entity, chock full of routine business-ethics violators. There are no federal regulations regarding the accuracy or security of these systems; Bush made sure of that. The former Chairman of ES&S has been elected Senator twice now under suspicious circumstances in a state where ES&S counts all the votes. A Johns Hopkins study concludes that these systems are full of security holes and unfit for public use. There's a website in New Zealand that provides a simple walkthrough of how to rig a Diebold machine with nothing but Microsoft Access. In Canada, they use paper ballots and hand-count all the votes in four hours. Why are they so much smarter than us?


Voter Fraud Pt. 2. In Florida, the evil inaccurate felons list has returned. The very same people who were illegally disenfranchised last time-mostly black democrats-are in for the same bullshit. Governor Jeb Bush is George W's brother--it doesn't get much more clear-cut than that. In addition, Republicans have been busted in Colorado shredding voter registration forms which were marked democrat-these sick monkeys should be shredded themselves. Across the country the Republicans are dispatching "challengers" to contest the validity of would-be voters at polling stations. If you encounter one of these worms, spit on him. To avoid their scrutiny, get a dorky haircut, wear a bowtie, and smile a lot.


4. Nader. Ralph is the man; we can't believe the amount of rage his former admirers have for him these days. Charges of egomania and even unethical practices have been levied against him by even the leftest of American lefties. We think the man has a right to run, and he is truly an ideal candidate-his positions are a progressive's wet dream and he's the only guy out there who would actually do the stuff he says he will. Still, if Bush wins, there may never be another Presidential election, so Ralph's presence is ghoulishly scary this time around. This is why instant run-off voting is key to making our democracy work-you could vote for Nader and still get counted for Kerry. Just imagine how many would vote Nader as their first choice in this case--he could even win. In this case, however, fear wins out--politics as usual sounds just peachy next to these plutocratic bible-humping revolutionaries.


5. Terrorism. Yes folks, this is a real threat, and getting realer every day the Bush administration continues to foster anti-American hatred in the Middle East. Think about it: Al Qaeda commits the worst terrorist act in history, and we go invade Iraq. Osama's still chilling out there somewhere. How the hell does Bush get high marks for that? It makes no sense. In reality, catching Osama too quickly would have nixed Bush's chances to increase government secrecy, erode your civil rights, and make a lot of money for his friends through the unquestionable justification of perpetual war. This "War on Terror" fright-fest must be the most delusional overreaction to a single attack in history-at least since the burning of the Reichstag in Berlin in '33.


6. The Patriot Act. Every time some conservative troll tells me how the Patriot act doesn't take away any rights, I thank God that I don't carry an ice pick. The fact is that now the Feds can break into your house, snoop through your shit, read your e-mail and listen to your phone calls without ever telling you. The "warrant" required is from the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) court, a secret court which isn't authorized to challenge the validity of the evidence. It's a rubber stamp, and, again, it's secret. This directly contradicts the fourth amendment, and any real American should be outraged. Now the feds can do secret searches authorized by a secret court due to any foreign intelligence component (and increasingly, drug-related offenses are seen to have a terrorist component). The subject need not be connected to foreign spying anymore. It's enough that the government might learn something about an investigation. Before the Patriot Act, FISA search warrants could be used only for information-gathering, but now information can be passed along for prosecution purposes. Probable cause requirements are over. This is a fiendishly spooky law, and America is insane for accepting it.


7. Global Warming. All those logging jobs ain't gonna mean shit when you're waist deep in melted arctic ice shelf. As the weather gets weirder and weirder, Republicans cling ever more desperately to the comic assertion that "the jury's still out" on global warming. This is bone-chillingly pathetic. I hope the "scientists" supporting their ridiculous position are getting paid well for selling their souls as hollow shills for the dark side. Meanwhile, real scientists are talking about the situation in terms of "damage control." The only upside here is that we might be living right on the coast in a few decades.


8. Christians. This is no joke. 40% of the people in this nation are Evangelicals and born-agains--and that's not even counting the Catholics. These people want to replace the constitution with the bible, and they're in power. Bush is their leader. Reason is an inconvenience to them, and facts are irrelevant: they are as incapable of changing their minds as God. Mistakes are impossible. Science is evil, and evolution is just a "competing theory." You are a heathen sinner whose wishes are misguided and whose rights don't matter. Southern religious dumbasses have been holding this country back since the Civil War. Unless we want to spend the next four years living in a prequel to The Handmaid's Tale, secular America must unite and show these racist, sexist, homophobic redneck zombies who's in charge around here. Just imagine the awful TV shows they have in store for us. Eeeeeek!


9. Media Consolidation. The myth of the liberal media has given way to the reality of corporate media control. The right has done away with what was left of market-share restrictions, so now a handful of gargantuan conglomerates control nearly everything you read, hear, and especially what you see on TV. The ugly Clear Channel cartel is strangling the spirit of rock and roll. On TV, things have gotten so bad that CNN is considered left wing. You will never see the truth on TV, except occasionally on "Frontline," which nobody watches anyway. We don't know what to say when the harshest truths about our world are only printed in tiny papers like this one, except "aaaiieeee!"


10. The Rest of the World. How long do you think they're going to put up with this shit from us? We sell them weapons and then invade their countries because they have the arms we sold them. We flaunt our power and thumb our noses at international law, rejecting the International Criminal Court because, well, we're war criminals under the Geneva Conventions. They don't have to speak English to deduce that our leader is an incurious, unserious simpleton--they just have to look at his face, or his devastating policies. The European Union and China both have ideas about challenging our authority over world affairs, and they are a lot smarter than Bush. One of these days they'll be coming for our sad asses.

It's time to get scared, really scared of the possibilities for our country's future. Only when properly freaked will we be sufficiently motivated to actually do something other than complain or wear a "Buck Fush" T-shirt. If this election goes the way I fear it will, it's time to contemplate some real action--general strikes, massive protests, civil disobedience. If we stop working or spending money, we'll get their attention. We are losing the culture wars, but they aren't over yet. It's a spooky world, but don't let your fear paralyze you--let it motivate you. And for all that is holy, vote. Who knows; it might actually count!



 

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The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.


Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.


Onward Christian Assholes Matt Taibbi

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.