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Issue #61

Features:

Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


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Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter



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Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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Kino Korner

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Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def

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Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe



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I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley










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Issue #60

Features:

Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden




Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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2004 The Beast

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.

The victors, on the other hand, will be intolerable. The right wing politicians and the talking head flatterers in the media will proclaim a mandate for the new American century of Bushonian democracy. It won't matter that this mandate consisted of the support of about 25% of the voting public with the vast majority of them being drooling fundamentalist Christian whackos. These Christian soldiers of God and their enablers will revel in the belief that their convictions have been confirmed. Reality will have left the building. Welcome to the world of the living dead pod people.

To the fundies, reality is not something you discern but something you choose, as in "I choose to believe that George Bush is an instrument of God's grand plan and thus he can do no wrong." If the world is destroyed in a horrific nuclear holocaust, they'll think "his will be done."

You can't argue with that logic and you're a fool to try. The only thing you can do is fight them. Legal constraints prevent you from killing them, but can still take action. As New York state residents, you can't do much about Bush vs. Kerry except ratchet up the popular vote count, but there are politicians right here that support Dubya and his legion of doom, and are therefore prime targets for your wrath. We need to make sure the Bushies have as little support as possible by casting votes against those who support Bush. Hopefully we'll be able hold them back enough to live to fight another day.

Even if Bush wins, we in Western New York have a chance to deprive him of a couple of pawns in his holy war. Most important are two congressional races where you have the ability to deny seats to Republican slimeballs who will do anything Bush wants. You can only vote for one congressional candidate, so you'll have to check what district you're in. We do, however, encourage you to vote as often as possible.

In the 27th District, Brian Higgins is the Democrat. He needs to defeat the Republican corporate Bush-lover Nancy Naples. She took a ton of money from the likes of Texas congressional asshole Tom Delay. Delay is probably the vilest congressman in the country. He is raving born again Christian who used to be a bug exterminator, and he's more corrupt than Nero. He'd like to exterminate you, and will have Naples to help him if you don't stop her by voting for Higgins. Higgins sucks way too much political dick for us, but he is still much better than the slime Naples makes him out to be. Naples main charge against Higgy is he voted to raise taxes-but she fails to mention it was to make up for the huge financial hit the state took after 9/11. He is better than her if only for the reason that he won't suck Bush/Dick and Naples will spend her entire term with her face in their laps. Besides, anyone who pulls his pants up that high can't be all that slick.

In the 26th District you have Jack Davis the Democrat vying to defeat ass-faced Republican cretin Tom Reynolds. Reynolds is so far up the ass of Bush and Cheney he hasn't seen himself in years. This pig needs to go down and anything you can do to help will be a taking a weapon out of the Republican juggernaut's arsenal. Davis is a former Republican but he is a lesser evil we'd love to hate as opposed to the despicable shit that is Tom Reynolds.

Not as crucial as the two races above is the 28th District because Democratic incumbent Louise Slaughter should win easily. Be smart, folks, and get out and vote for her to make sure. The douchebag she's running against is an ex-Pentagon Sergeant Slaughter-wannabe from Rochester named Michael Labia. Maybe when this asshole loses he'll volunteer to go to Iraq and get his useless head blown off.

As far as the State races go, there are a couple of Bush-infected Republican zombies that need to be eliminated. In the Senate, the first is the 61st District, where we've got decent UB Professor Democrat Frank Longo against longtime Republican serving wench Mary Lou Rath. We'd call Rath a Stepford wife because she was always the tool of her perennial Republican asshole husband Ed Rath, but Ed had the good sense to die earlier this year. Give her the heave and maybe she'll do us a favor and soon join hubby.In the 62nd District, vote for Democrat Matthew Bova who is trying to defeat Republican Pataki ass-bitch George Maziarz.

In the Assembly, Democrat Jeff Bono needs to beat the Republican bitch Sandra Lee Worthless in the 142nd District and in the 146th District Democrat Fran Pordum is in a tough fight against retiring Republican congressman Jack Quinn's kid. In the 148th District there is no challenger to the wretched weenie incumbent Republican dweeb Jimmy Hayes. We suggest pounding on the voting machine and wailing "Why? You Bastards! Why?" until you have to be forcibly removed from the premises. Another race for which this tactic is appropriate is Erie County District Attorney, where everyone apparently agrees that Frank Clark is doing an excellent job. Wink-wink, scratch-scratch, ain't democracy grand? Cast a write-in vote for Paul Fallon in protest.

Last but not least, you might consider voting for judges. There are only three you should support. In the Supreme Court race you can vote for three, but don't. Just vote for two: Paula Feroleto and James McLeod. The rest of them are worthless hacks. Two of the judges running are heinous collaborators. They been sleeping with the enemy and as such deserve your scorn, not your vote. They are John Curran, who actually bent over for Republican chief Bob Davis and changed parties from Democrat to Republican in order to insure a cushy judgeship. Is there a way to wash that slime off? Joseph Glownia got in bed with Davis, but apparently a handjob was all it took to satisfy the evil Republican bastards and ensure his sweet deal. Way to stand up for your convictions, guys. In the Family Court race, vote for Marge Olszewski Szczur, because anyone with a name like that needs your sympathy.

That's about it. We know that we're being very one-sided, but when you have such demented sociopaths in the oval office and controlling Congress, drastic measures are in order. We truly hate both parties for their lies and corruption. We just want to go back not to worrying about dying in some apocalyptic religious event. The Democrats are totally reprehensible, and we dream of a day when we can go back to bashing them. The DNC Chairman is probably the vilest scum-sucking politician around, but at least he's not a religious fanatic, and that means something. We'd like to go back to not sending out kids to die for fossil fuels and having the FBI leave us alone when we want to smoke a little weed. Getting rid of the Republican whackos and their accomplices leading the country is a small but essential start. If you don't vote, it nullifies your right to bitch for the next four years-and believe us, there'll be plenty of bitching to do. Get off your ass November 2nd and do what you can to save us all from the worst of these aristocratic swine and their fascist flock.



 

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MAYORAL SURVIVOR: A BEAST CONTEST

ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...


The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.


Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.


Onward Christian Assholes Matt Taibbi

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.


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Buffalo in Briefs

Fiscal Diarrhea - Frankly, we're speechless. What haven't we already said about Erie County's fiscal meltdown under Don Joel Giambra? The Tobacco Settlement money's long gone (except for the debt we owe on the loans against the payoff), ECMC's been sold and mortgaged for over a $100 million, and the county still faces a $130 million deficit. Didn't this guy just get re-elected? What the hell are you people thinking?


A Talk With Sam Hoyt

Eric Gauchat

Sam Hoyt caught my attention during the Democratic primary for the 144th NY Assembly District. During that race, Hoyt, a 12-year incumbent in the post, faced Joe Golombek, a Buffalo City Councilman. The race was very close, with Golombek launching an intense campaign backed by a number of people, including County Executive Joel Giambra. Hoyt managed to take the nomination, almost assuredly locking a victory in the Democrat-heavy 144th.


Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves

Kit Smith

Breast Cancer Awareness Month was launched in 1985 by Zeneca Pharmaceuticals. Zeneca is the company that manufactures the widely prescribed breast cancer drug Nolvadex (generic name tamoxifen), and operates a chain of cancer care centers. No conflict of interest there! All TV, radio, and print media regarding Breast Cancer Awareness Month are paid for and must be approved by Zeneca. But wait; there's more.


Scary Election Funpage!

Fun Games and Facts About the Upcoming Election.

 

 






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