Issue #61


Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


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The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter


Buffalo in Briefs


The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters



Kino Korner


Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def



Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe


I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

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Issue #60


Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden


Buffalo in Briefs


Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

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2004 The Beast

The calendar might have read October 24, but Halloween came a week early for the Buffalo Bills. M&T Bank Stadium was a house of horrors for Drew Bledsoe and company as they attempted very poor tricks, handed out plenty of treats and bungled their way into their fifth loss in six games. With their continued poor play, the Bills are on the verge of becoming the laughingstock of the entire NFL. They can solidify their place in history with a loss in their next game against the Arizona Cardinals. The New England Patriots have won 21 in a row, a very worthy achievement, but the most difficult thing to do in the NFL is have a franchise in worse shape than the Cardinals. With a loss on Sunday, the Bills will have accomplished that.

The Bills could win, and they usually do play better at home than they do on the road, but the significance of a loss to Arizona should not be ignored. This is a HUGE game. Arizona has won one playoff game in their entire history-this includes all the years spent in St. Louis before moving to Phoenix. They are constantly battling for the top pick in the draft, and seem to always get their ass handed to them. Bill Bidwell, the owner of the Cardinals, is without question the worst owner of any franchise in the NFL, and may be the worst owner in all of team sports. He is cheap, makes poor decisions, and frankly could care less about the product he sells. He knows as long as he is in the NFL, he will make money.

This past winter the Cardinals were coming off another poor season and had fired their coach. They were like many teams (the Bills included) that were out looking for the proper person to run their team. In past years, the Cardinals would promote a semi-successful coordinator, usually getting them cheap and making them a head coach for the first time. Bill Tobin and Dave McGinnis were the most recent coaches for the Cards, not Hall of Famers, but at the time qualified candidates. Funny thing happened to the organization this time as Bidwell chose Dennis Green to become the new head coach of the Cardinals. Green, one of five African American coaches in the league, is a Bill Walsh protégé, having coached as an assistant in San Francisco, a head coach in college at Northwestern, then at Stanford and of course he was head coach of the Minnesota Vikings for many years. He never got to a Super Bowl but has several playoff appearances on his resume. He has had controversy in his past, which included sexual harassment charges that led to his demise in Minnesota, but he was arguably the most qualified candidate and he certainly one of the most expensive.

Now just because they hired Green, Arizona is not going to the Super Bowl this year. They have a no-name quarterback (his name is actually Josh McCown), a 95-year-old running back (Emmitt Smith), and their most talented player-wide receiver Anquan Boldin-has yet to play a down due to a knee injury. The Cardinals, like the Bills, have been in a few games that they could have won (they blew a 16-point lead in under 5 minutes versus San Francisco), but they have also won a couple games they should not have (New Orleans and Seattle). There is no question Arizona is headed in the proper direction. There is little doubt, once Green adds a few more players and gets Bidwell to loosen his purse strings, that they will be playoff contenders. The same cannot be said for the Bills.

The Bills took the other route when choosing a coach. The picked a semi-successful coordinator, with no head coaching experience. Ralph Wilson may not be paying the coach, but his team is paying for it on the field. They are a pathetic team going nowhere fast.

Throughout the year there have been questionable calls. On Sunday, the Bills staff ran a play so bad it actually cost them the game. The Bills had a third and long early in the contest. The game was tied 3-3 and it was still the first quarter. The Bills were in a modified shotgun formation with players flanking Bledsoe. Bledsoe took the snap and proceeded to fake a pitchout to the back on his right.

Now faking a run, or "play action" as the coaches like to call it, is an important part of the game. Teams make it look like they are doing one thing, but in reality it just a bait. The Bills staff is so stupid, however, that they cannot grasp the concept that in order to fake something you need to have the opponent think you might actually do the fake play. There was absolutely no chance the Bills would run on third and ten. If they had, it might have worked because that alone would have been the deception.

Bledsoe then turned to throw to the player on the left, but Baltimore had about 35 defenders waiting for this, so his pass was deflected into Deion Sanders' hands, and Sanders naturally galloped the other way for a touchdown. It was still the first quarter, but the game was over. The Bills coaches had actually developed a play that was a fake of a fake, therefore making no fake. It was a double negative play. It actually might have been a good call on 4th and 2 versus New England three weeks ago. In that game, they decided to fake the run and attempt a Bledsoe bootleg, resulting in a fumble that also was returned for a touchdown.

At this point the best part of Bills games is seeing what ridiculous play they will attempt and watch the disastrous results. I predict Brian Moorman, the punter, will be a part of something special within the next few games, just watch.

Losing to the Ravens, a playoff contender, is one thing. Losing to the bottom-feeding Cardinals is quite another. The pressure is on; here's hoping we won't see any more double-fake plays, or else the Bills could earn themselves the distinction of being the worst team in the NFL.


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ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...

The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.

Onward Christian Assholes Matt Taibbi

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.

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Buffalo in Briefs

Fiscal Diarrhea - Frankly, we're speechless. What haven't we already said about Erie County's fiscal meltdown under Don Joel Giambra? The Tobacco Settlement money's long gone (except for the debt we owe on the loans against the payoff), ECMC's been sold and mortgaged for over a $100 million, and the county still faces a $130 million deficit. Didn't this guy just get re-elected? What the hell are you people thinking?

A Talk With Sam Hoyt

Eric Gauchat

Sam Hoyt caught my attention during the Democratic primary for the 144th NY Assembly District. During that race, Hoyt, a 12-year incumbent in the post, faced Joe Golombek, a Buffalo City Councilman. The race was very close, with Golombek launching an intense campaign backed by a number of people, including County Executive Joel Giambra. Hoyt managed to take the nomination, almost assuredly locking a victory in the Democrat-heavy 144th.

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves

Kit Smith

Breast Cancer Awareness Month was launched in 1985 by Zeneca Pharmaceuticals. Zeneca is the company that manufactures the widely prescribed breast cancer drug Nolvadex (generic name tamoxifen), and operates a chain of cancer care centers. No conflict of interest there! All TV, radio, and print media regarding Breast Cancer Awareness Month are paid for and must be approved by Zeneca. But wait; there's more.

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Fun Games and Facts About the Upcoming Election.



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