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Issue #62

Features:

O Buffalo: Why Move When we can Secede? - Al Uthman

Love or Four Hour Erections: The Choice is Clear - Matt Taibbi

The Falsification and Death Administration: FDA Approval may be Hazardous to your Health - Kit Smith

Meaning of Tripe: Countdown to the Beast's Ten Worst Presidential Election Campaign Hacks of 2004- Matt Taibbi

10 Ultra-Cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

The Big Rig: This Election was Worse than 2000 - William Rivers Pitt

The Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice - Chris Meister


Faux-tures:

The BEAST Interview With God

Who Voted Bush? - A BEAST Quiz

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Beastivities

Sports:

Wide Right: O Captain my Captain - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Jim Gielow

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Last Issue (#61)

Features:

Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


Faux-tures:

Our Election Campaign Sponsors

The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def

Sports:

Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Issue #60

Features:

Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden




Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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© 2004 The Beast


Buffalo in Briefs 11/10/04

Rural Economics - It sucks living in the city, broke, craving food and wine and weed while existing on macaroni and cheese, Ripple, and resin. It could be a whole lot worse, but then we heard about this 88-year-old farmer out in Albion who scammed the U.S. Agricultural Department out of $384,000. Thatís roughly 20 times the median income of Erie County residents and the federal government just gave it away like candy. Dragan took the money then sold his crops and pocketed twice the profit, making out like a bandit. Not for long though; the felony he committed has a minimum sentencing guideline of 18 to 24 months, pretty much a death sentence at his age. Meanwhile weíre planting crops for the spring in hopes of getting a tomato subsidy.


Not Available At Blockbuster - We really donít understand the mindset of men who physically and mentally abuse women, but whatís even more incomprehensible is the women who hook up with these nice, lovable psychos. Last month one Ulner Lee Still (real name!) was convicted of twelve counts of felony and misdemeanor assault on his wife because of the videotape of a vicious beat down he inflicted upon her for not getting his lunch fast enough. He forced his own son to film the encounter. That is some psychotic shit, Jackass for impotents. Anyway, the videoís now available as a training aid for law enforcement and crisis workers thanks to a brave Mrs. Still whoís lucky to be alive to tell her story. Who wants to lay odds on how long this video takes to hit the internet?


Election Day, Madness! Oh you crazy Western New York voters! How long have your politicians, specifically the assholes in Albany, been screwing you to the wall? Forever! So what did you motivated citizens go and do on election day? You went and reelected 99% of them. Usually Albanyís dysfunction as a meaningful democracy goes mostly unreported, but with the latest budget ever in twenty years of late budgets and the scathing Brennan Report making headlines, we hoped to have an electorate primed to throw the garbage out and get some fresh meat. But it didnít happen. It should have. These are desperate times, and desperate times call for desperate measures. Keeping incumbents who consistently fail to serve our interests reminds us of what Einstein said: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." Youíre cattle following the biggest bull right into the slaughterhouse. Good work, everybody.


School Raise - Hereís some math that never adds up: cut state university funding in the latest budget ever, then turn around and raise school president salaries $100,000 or more. Thatís why we failed math a couple times; we could never figure out bullshit. Isnít our economy in the gutter? Arenít we being taxed at the highest rates in the country? Why the fuck do we need to pay the president of UB four hundred grand a year when thereís plenty of qualified, competent individuals whoíd take the job at half the price? Maybe he needs it to pay off his student loans.


Thanks A Bunch!† Ever wonder why it seems impossible to develop any positive business around here? Weíll give you one clue: it all starts in Albany! State Senator Dale Volker just got his ass re-elected despite the fact he admitted in the days before the election that he was responsible for holding up a bill which would have made cheap power available to local businesses. He must have had a good reason to do that, right? Like making it cheaper or more available? Sadly, that wasnít the case. No, Senator Volker threw his lot in with the people and politicians of the Adirondacks and Central New York so they could get cheap power instead of us. Guess he doesnít give two shits about his constituents in the 59th District as long as they keep reelecting his prison-loving dumb ass.


Chicken Little - The sky is falling, and Joel Giambra put on an angry face to present not one but two budgets for Erie County, both products of devious, small-minded thinking. The first is what weíll call the Whiner Budget, thatís the one that cuts everything drastically back to state mandated minimums, including clearing out the 16th floor of County Hall and getting rid of connected leeches like capo Victor Getz. It also means closing libraries, shutting down sheriffís patrols and cutting funding to all sorts of cultural and social service groups, including the Philharmonic and the Zoo (which is pretty grim anyway).

The second budget is the Happy one, which restores most funding through a proposed sales tax increase which will supposedly cover the $130 million deficit, even though those projections have come into question because most people have finally realized itís cheaper to buy shit outside Erie County and itís already usurious 8.25% sales tax. Itís complete bullshit. Giambra is a transparent money grubber who wants to raise taxes and give the cash to his buddies without any thought of sharing increased county revenues with Buffalo and other cash strapped municipalities. Funny how ordinary citizens are being blamed for Giambraís complete and utter failure as county executive, then again, we reelected the douche bag.

None of these problems were touched on during Giambraís first term. He created the problem by not raising property taxes years ago to cover Medicaid and pension expenses, a move every other county executive in the state made. Itís a typical executive Republican ploy: let things get so bad people have no choice but to lose vital services. See: Federal deficit, Social Security.



 

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O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.


Buffalo in Briefs

Election Day Madness! - Oh you crazy Western New York voters! How long have your politicians, specifically the assholes in Albany, been screwing you to the wall? Forever! So what did you motivated citizens go and do on election day? You went and reelected 99% of them. ?


The Falsification & Death Administration

Kit Smith

The staff at the Food and Drug Administration may not actively hate you and want you to die, but a study of the agency's sordid history suggests that they don't really care if you live either. Lucky for us, drug companies are kind, conscientious, and self-regulating. For example, in late September Merck and Co, makers of Vioxx, agreed to voluntarily recall their famous drug, now that a new study suggests it may put people at increased risk for heart attack. Isn't that nice of them? How thoughtful…. Unless four years doesn't qualify as "new" to you.


The Meaning of Tripe

WELL, IT'S OVER. Last week we Americans celebrated one of our grandest traditions, the victory of Tweedledum over Tweedledee. The occasion was marked by awe and splendor on all sides, as befits a contest in which the leader of the free world is chosen in race to see which Ivy League graduate is quicker to reach for a duck call at the sight of a Reuters photographer.


The Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice

Chris Meister

Mercurial weather put an electricity in the late October air in West Valley last weekend. Or perhaps that electricity came from the blazing fires of dissent? A nuclear waste processing plant, AKA the West Valley Demonstration Project, was the arena for a pre-Halloween protest-fest that drew a whopping…20 people.


The Big Rig

William Rivers Pitt

Everyone remembers Florida's 2000 election debacle, and all of the new terms it introduced to our political lexicon: Hanging chads, dimpled chads, pregnant chads, overvotes, undervotes, Sore Losermans, Jews for Buchanan and so forth. It took several weeks, battalions of lawyers and a questionable decision from the U.S. Supreme Court to show the nation and the world how messy democracy can be. By any standard, what happened in Florida during the 2000 Presidential election was a disaster.


The BEAST Interview With God

Feeling dejected and withdrawn over the stupidity of our fellow countrymen in reelecting George W. Bush, our thoughts turned first to suicide, then alcohol. Once we calmed down and sobered up a bit, we had no choice but to go to the source to ask the tough questions about the election, the future of our country and the world.


Kino Korner

Michael Gildea

The funniest part of some movies is that after they show you the preview for that particular movie, they expect you to go out of the way by spending your money and seeing it. You know exactly what you're getting into with Alfie; you're given ample warning. But you can't really escape it.


BEAST-O-SCOPES

I think I get it now, Aries; your lack of visibility during the weeks leading up to November 2nd was part of a master plan to run for President in 2008. Pretty seedy stuff, but I have to admit it's a good plan; four more years of these dicks and we'd vote for an egg salad sandwich to get them out.


[sic] - Letters

Operation Mayflower

...Perhaps we should consider the possibility that the wonderful, unique experiment of the United States of America has come to and end. It had a magnificent run, and sent shockwaves of thought and change through the globe, for good and/or ill, but like all good thing, it reached its term. Maybe the US has become as cynical and ossified as the old Soviet Union. More cheerful and comfortable, yes, and with its aggression focused outward instead of inside, but just as hopeless. Not to mention the added insult that the Russian people knew they were being fed bullshit on an hourly basis by their government. The soviet press was quite aware that they were printing lies and ridiculous propaganda. I wish I could say the same about the United States....



The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.


Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.


Onward Christian Assholes Matt Taibbi

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.


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