The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

O Buffalo: Don't Move to Canada; Bring Canada Here -- by Allan Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."

To be honest, I don't really buy it. I was fully expecting a rigged result, and, despite a mainstream media blackout on the subject (with the notably odd exception of MSNBC's Keith Olbermann), there is copious and indisputable evidence of that. Numerous counties in Ohio and Florida reported many thousands more votes than there were registered voters-in other words, a more than 100% turnout. Oddly enough, these anomalies only occurred in counties where electronic voting machines were used, and seemed to fall exclusively in Bush's favor.

Another strange coincidence: although the glaring, inexplicable discrepancies between exit polls and official results in the swing states have been widely blamed on flawed exit polls, no one seems to know why the exit polls in non-swing states were dead on. What's odd is that, while the press has declared unanimously that the election went smoothly, normal people-at least around here-have no trouble believing the whole operation was a sham. "Yeah, probably," they say, "but what are you gonna do?"

I know, I know: you don't want to hear about it. Well, neither do I. I've had just about enough of this crap. If obvious vote fraud is swept under the rug, this isn't a real democracy or a free country. I want out.

By now we've all seen that funny pic dividing the upper two thirds of North America into "The United States of Canada" and "Jesusland." Like a lot of good jokes, it presents an uncomfortable truth: The split Northeast/West Coast blue states have more in common politically with Canadians than with their Southern and Midwestern countrymen.

Hordes of liberals are currently looking to our saner cousin with yearning in their hearts, but Canada has issued stern preemptive warnings not to get any bright ideas. Keep your distance, she says, I'm not that kind of girl. But what if there were another way…a way we could leave this nutty nation, but keep our friends and our community? Well maybe, for Buffalo, there is such a way.

I propose that Buffalo simply secede from this dysfunctional union of states and join Canada. We're right on the border anyway, and it's been pretty clear for a while that our state and federal governments don't care very much for us. Frankly, the likely fate of Buffalo, New York, couldn't be much worse. Buffalo, Ontario, on the other hand, has an extremely bright future ahead of it.

Just think of the advantages:

+ Universal health care
+ Better education
+ More sensible government with relatively reasonable levels of corruption
+ Environmental cleanup and beautification
+ Freedom from responsibility for world affairs
+ Way better anthem
+ No chance of getting drafted
+ "Liberal" is an adjective, not an epithet
+ They'd probably even finish the subway
+ All voting is done on paper ballots and hand-counted
+ The newly Canadian Sabres would be playing better hockey within weeks

What does Canada gain? Aside from self-satisfaction, that's a trickier question. Maybe to seal the deal, we could offer to change the name of our town to the original "Beau Fleuve," or "beautiful river" in French. A gesture like this might go a long way.

Think about it: robust social services, regular visits to the doctor, decriminalized marijuana, cheap prescriptions, a cleaner environment, functioning regulatory bodies, civil cops, smarter neighbors, and a lot less anger.

Of course, there would be some drawbacks: dealing with the alien metric system, having the Queen of England on our money, boring pop music, and snotty French separatists (yes, I recognize the irony). Going to a special store that's hardly ever open to buy beer, and bars closing at 1am (probably not a bad thing overall).

But Buffalo would be cool, different, even exciting in the Canadian context. And we'd be a focus of anger and envy among our former compatriots. Plus we'd have dental.

Could it really be possible? What legal obstacles would the Queen City need to hurdle in order to join our milder neighbors to the North? To find out, I called a Toronto lawyer who practices international law. At first he laughed when I asked him my question. "Well," he said, "I can certainly understand why you'd feel that way this week."

"No, I'm not kidding," I told him. "Seriously. Could it be done?"

"Come on, gimme a break.'

"No really. I want my city and surrounding region to be absorbed by your country."

His tone grew impatient. "That's insane. How would you even go about something like that?"

"That's what I'm asking you," I said.

"You can't do that! There's just no way. The U.S. would never let you go, and Canada wouldn't dare touch you. Nobody wants to piss off the U.S., especially now. Anyway, I specialize in extradition."

"So-that's it?" I asked.

"Of course that's it! You can't just redraw a national border because you don't like the current government! What do you think this is, World War One? Besides, I doubt you'd have majority support even locally."

"Actually, I have a feeling they might go for it," I said. "Things are pretty tragic around here."

"Well, it still doesn't matter. Just forget it. Face it; you're stuck over there. What makes you think we'd even want you? You people are dangerous!"

"Well, we have an NFL franchise, for one," I said. "Plus you'd have both sides of the falls-I'm pretty sure we could get Niagara in on the deal. And…ummm, that's about it I guess."

The lawyer laughed. "Exactly. And your side of the Falls smells terrible anyway."

"Well, you don't have to be a dick," I said.

"Sorry. But…you know, even if we did want you, it just couldn't be done. You'd start a war. There's no way. Look, I gotta go. How did you get my number, anyway?"

So that's it. Bummer. No secular socialist paradise for us; we are forever tethered to the self-persecuting poor; the religious seizure class; the pathologically ignorant. What are you gonna do?

I guess we'll just have to stay, figure out a way to kick the crap out of these delusional zombies, and save the damned world.

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O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."

Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.

10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.

Buffalo in Briefs

Election Day Madness! - Oh you crazy Western New York voters! How long have your politicians, specifically the assholes in Albany, been screwing you to the wall? Forever! So what did you motivated citizens go and do on election day? You went and reelected 99% of them. ?

The Falsification & Death Administration

Kit Smith

The staff at the Food and Drug Administration may not actively hate you and want you to die, but a study of the agency's sordid history suggests that they don't really care if you live either. Lucky for us, drug companies are kind, conscientious, and self-regulating. For example, in late September Merck and Co, makers of Vioxx, agreed to voluntarily recall their famous drug, now that a new study suggests it may put people at increased risk for heart attack. Isn't that nice of them? How thoughtful…. Unless four years doesn't qualify as "new" to you.

The Meaning of Tripe

WELL, IT'S OVER. Last week we Americans celebrated one of our grandest traditions, the victory of Tweedledum over Tweedledee. The occasion was marked by awe and splendor on all sides, as befits a contest in which the leader of the free world is chosen in race to see which Ivy League graduate is quicker to reach for a duck call at the sight of a Reuters photographer.

The Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice

Chris Meister

Mercurial weather put an electricity in the late October air in West Valley last weekend. Or perhaps that electricity came from the blazing fires of dissent? A nuclear waste processing plant, AKA the West Valley Demonstration Project, was the arena for a pre-Halloween protest-fest that drew a whopping…20 people.

The Big Rig

William Rivers Pitt

Everyone remembers Florida's 2000 election debacle, and all of the new terms it introduced to our political lexicon: Hanging chads, dimpled chads, pregnant chads, overvotes, undervotes, Sore Losermans, Jews for Buchanan and so forth. It took several weeks, battalions of lawyers and a questionable decision from the U.S. Supreme Court to show the nation and the world how messy democracy can be. By any standard, what happened in Florida during the 2000 Presidential election was a disaster.

The BEAST Interview With God

Feeling dejected and withdrawn over the stupidity of our fellow countrymen in reelecting George W. Bush, our thoughts turned first to suicide, then alcohol. Once we calmed down and sobered up a bit, we had no choice but to go to the source to ask the tough questions about the election, the future of our country and the world.

Kino Korner

Michael Gildea

The funniest part of some movies is that after they show you the preview for that particular movie, they expect you to go out of the way by spending your money and seeing it. You know exactly what you're getting into with Alfie; you're given ample warning. But you can't really escape it.

BEAST-O-SCOPES

I think I get it now, Aries; your lack of visibility during the weeks leading up to November 2nd was part of a master plan to run for President in 2008. Pretty seedy stuff, but I have to admit it's a good plan; four more years of these dicks and we'd vote for an egg salad sandwich to get them out.

[sic] - Letters

Operation Mayflower

...Perhaps we should consider the possibility that the wonderful, unique experiment of the United States of America has come to and end. It had a magnificent run, and sent shockwaves of thought and change through the globe, for good and/or ill, but like all good thing, it reached its term. Maybe the US has become as cynical and ossified as the old Soviet Union. More cheerful and comfortable, yes, and with its aggression focused outward instead of inside, but just as hopeless. Not to mention the added insult that the Russian people knew they were being fed bullshit on an hourly basis by their government. The soviet press was quite aware that they were printing lies and ridiculous propaganda. I wish I could say the same about the United States....

The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.