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Issue #62

Features:

O Buffalo: Why Move When we can Secede? - Al Uthman

Love or Four Hour Erections: The Choice is Clear - Matt Taibbi

The Falsification and Death Administration: FDA Approval may be Hazardous to your Health - Kit Smith

Meaning of Tripe: Countdown to the Beast's Ten Worst Presidential Election Campaign Hacks of 2004- Matt Taibbi

10 Ultra-Cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

The Big Rig: This Election was Worse than 2000 - William Rivers Pitt

The Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice - Chris Meister


Faux-tures:

The BEAST Interview With God

Who Voted Bush? - A BEAST Quiz

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Beastivities

Sports:

Wide Right: O Captain my Captain - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Jim Gielow

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Last Issue (#61)

Features:

Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


Faux-tures:

Our Election Campaign Sponsors

The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def

Sports:

Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Issue #60

Features:

Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden




Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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2004 The Beast

BEAST-O-SCOPES

 

with Andrew Gullerstein


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Why the hell did you concede, Scorpio? Do you think the Republicans would have done anything of the sort? Hell no, they'd be scratching and clawing for any kind of justification to hang on, and they'd probably figure out some ridiculous legal mechanism by which to claim victory. Christ, why is it that you look like such a wuss next to these guys when you're the only one who knows how to fire an M-16? Oh well, I guess your dignity was just too precious. Enjoy your front row seat for the dismantling of our civilization. At least you never made a funny noise like Dean, Scorpio.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

How does it feel to be the most hated man alive, Sagittarius? I guess you're probably not really aware of that, insulated as you are from reality. Go ahead, have another beer; Uncle Dick's got everything under control. You did your part. Time to pay attention to your wife, Sagittarius; remember what she did to her last boyfriend.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Don't be sad, Capricorn; you did everything you could. You voted, you argued, you even tried to convince your meathead truckdrivin' brother not to vote. Now you're heartbroken, but think about it: at least you get to feel good about who you are relative to everyone else, and hatred for the government is really great for rock and roll. And another thing to cheer you up: your brother actually voted for Nader; he just doesn't want his friends to call him a fag.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

It's time to stop bitching about the election, Aquarius. No, I'm not saying the country should move on or "America has spoken" or any of that stupid shit. In fact, I personally plan to bitch about it for at least the next four years. But there's a reason for that, Aquarius: I voted. You didn't, and although you will pretend you voted to your friends and coworkers, you and I both know you didn't. So shut your worthless hole, Aquarius; this bullshit is your fault and you know it.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Stop holding up the vote count, Pisces; you know you lost. If you go through with your plans to somehow use connections to fudge the count, your soul will be forever lost, as if it weren't already. Your sadistic manipulation of your opponent's record in the state assembly has already earned you a special place in hell, but you might be able to work it off I you stop being such a whiny loser and concede already, Nancy.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

I think I get it now, Aries; your lack of visibility during the weeks leading up to November 2nd was part of a master plan to run for President in 2008. Pretty seedy stuff, but I have to admit it's a good plan; four more years of these dicks and we'd vote for an egg salad sandwich to get them out. Some advice for the campaign: stop dyeing your hair and let your face sag a little. We're a superficial nation, but we generally don't elect teenagers.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Hoo-eee, Taurus, that was a close one, wasn't it? Good thing you finally figgered out how to do that votin' thing, or them faggits would be all messin' with your marriage and stuff, and that's just not right! Now that a holy man's in charge again, you just know he's gonna git them queers, right? Next up's them coloreds, I reckon-'bout durn time, right Taurus? Yee-ha!


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Man, things are really working out for you, aren't they Gemini? You're richer than ever, it even looks like you might get a flat tax, and freedom from legal liability's just around the corner! It's really amazing how all that money makes it so easy to ignore the homeless people you have to step over to get to the office. Well, the underage houseboys don't hurt either, do they Gemini? Good thing you're with the party of values. By the way, Gemini, you're going to get run over next week.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It's time to move to Jesusland, Cancer; we don't want you here in the United States of Canada anymore. What are you doing here anyway, when you could be with your brethren, playing in a jug band or whatever the hell you retards do for fun? Just move to Alabama, buy a couple of slaves and set yourself up with a dirt farm and a teenage cousin…you'll never have to feel inferior again, and you won't have to pretend to tolerate fags either. Take your fucking "values" and get out of here, Cancer; I hope you choke to death on a moon pie.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Sorry about the same sex marriage ban, Leo; guess you'll just have to settle for not getting burned at the stake. At least you don't have to pay for the reception now. If it's any consolation, Tracey's been getting the crap humped out of her daily by her yoga instructor for three months now.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Doesn't take much to become a Secretary of State these days, does it, Virgo? All you need is nothing: no integrity, no conscience, no shame, no soul. In fact, your heart is an abysmal void, and your ass a cavernous receptacle for the toxic emissions of your horrendous superiors in the Satanic chain of command. Keep it up, asshole, and you'll soon be slithering up Katherine Harris' slime trail; all your party asks in return is that you sell out democracy. Die, Virgo.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, your disgust for the results of the recent election will be somewhat alleviated by the overpowering hatred you already felt for humanity. Watching them suffer for their errors in judgment will almost be worth the ride. Of course, this might make you an asshole, but you'll be the asshole laughing when these braindead hicks finally realize they've ruined their own lives. You shouldn't be so hateful, Libra-after all, if you grew up in Texas, you'd be an idiot too.



 

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O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.


Buffalo in Briefs

Election Day Madness! - Oh you crazy Western New York voters! How long have your politicians, specifically the assholes in Albany, been screwing you to the wall? Forever! So what did you motivated citizens go and do on election day? You went and reelected 99% of them. ?


The Falsification & Death Administration

Kit Smith

The staff at the Food and Drug Administration may not actively hate you and want you to die, but a study of the agency's sordid history suggests that they don't really care if you live either. Lucky for us, drug companies are kind, conscientious, and self-regulating. For example, in late September Merck and Co, makers of Vioxx, agreed to voluntarily recall their famous drug, now that a new study suggests it may put people at increased risk for heart attack. Isn't that nice of them? How thoughtful…. Unless four years doesn't qualify as "new" to you.


The Meaning of Tripe

WELL, IT'S OVER. Last week we Americans celebrated one of our grandest traditions, the victory of Tweedledum over Tweedledee. The occasion was marked by awe and splendor on all sides, as befits a contest in which the leader of the free world is chosen in race to see which Ivy League graduate is quicker to reach for a duck call at the sight of a Reuters photographer.


The Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice

Chris Meister

Mercurial weather put an electricity in the late October air in West Valley last weekend. Or perhaps that electricity came from the blazing fires of dissent? A nuclear waste processing plant, AKA the West Valley Demonstration Project, was the arena for a pre-Halloween protest-fest that drew a whopping…20 people.


The Big Rig

William Rivers Pitt

Everyone remembers Florida's 2000 election debacle, and all of the new terms it introduced to our political lexicon: Hanging chads, dimpled chads, pregnant chads, overvotes, undervotes, Sore Losermans, Jews for Buchanan and so forth. It took several weeks, battalions of lawyers and a questionable decision from the U.S. Supreme Court to show the nation and the world how messy democracy can be. By any standard, what happened in Florida during the 2000 Presidential election was a disaster.


The BEAST Interview With God

Feeling dejected and withdrawn over the stupidity of our fellow countrymen in reelecting George W. Bush, our thoughts turned first to suicide, then alcohol. Once we calmed down and sobered up a bit, we had no choice but to go to the source to ask the tough questions about the election, the future of our country and the world.


Kino Korner

Michael Gildea

The funniest part of some movies is that after they show you the preview for that particular movie, they expect you to go out of the way by spending your money and seeing it. You know exactly what you're getting into with Alfie; you're given ample warning. But you can't really escape it.


[sic] - Letters

Operation Mayflower

...Perhaps we should consider the possibility that the wonderful, unique experiment of the United States of America has come to and end. It had a magnificent run, and sent shockwaves of thought and change through the globe, for good and/or ill, but like all good thing, it reached its term. Maybe the US has become as cynical and ossified as the old Soviet Union. More cheerful and comfortable, yes, and with its aggression focused outward instead of inside, but just as hopeless. Not to mention the added insult that the Russian people knew they were being fed bullshit on an hourly basis by their government. The soviet press was quite aware that they were printing lies and ridiculous propaganda. I wish I could say the same about the United States....



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