just finished my initial scan of the current issue.
I am laughing my ass off.
I can't stop.
The Higgins/Naples stuff is out of the park.
been trying to think of a way to answer this e-mail for five minutes
now. We really just don't know how to take a compliment. Could you maybe
just pretend to hate us?
think you should advertise your mag in the great music mag "METAL
MANIACS". They have a column called "Shorts" (if anyone
at "The Beast" reads this mag they know of it).
you need their address to advertise - Write to - Metal Maniacs Shorts
- c/o Sterling/MacFadden - 333 7th Av. 11th floor, NY, NY, 10001. (Yes,
there are some "Metal Heads" into politics in this fucked
up world.) Think of all the credit you'd get from people around the
globe whom haven't heard of "The Beast". You'd be famous and
put Bflo. Ny, on the map as a city that has at least one extremely cool
thing about it. And you'd educate people about Bflo, NY and what goes
on here. You'd have world-wide fame if you did this. Think about it,
GEORGE W. BUSH IS A FAGGOT!
If advertising in Metal Maniacs will grant us "world-wide fame,"
why haven't we ever heard of it before? You work for these dorks, or
the esteemed staff and editors of the Buffalo Beast;
Bush has won, this time both the popular vote and the Electoral College,
and until actual proof of any scam surfaces from a credible source,
we must assume that it was fair and square. Going beyond the presidential
election, we're also facing 11 states that favor legal measures against
gay civil union, and further expansion of GOP power in the Senate and
the house. At least two of the Supreme Court judges are going to resign
in the second Bush term, ensuring conservative appointments as replacement.
One of the ever-fallible tenets of journalism states: "Three makes
a trend". If it happens once, it's episodic. If it happens again,
it might still be coincidence. A third time in a row
something at work there, maybe a sea-change, maybe the capricious revolutions
of history becoming evident, maybe nothing at all.
-Bush's election in 2000 (however contested).
-The Republican victory in the 2002 senate elections.
It's time for us progressives, as well as classical conservatives, to
pause and think, for a long time and a detached point of view. I know
being detached is quite a lot to ask, when choice, mortgage payments
and security are at stake, but let's make that extra effort. There.
Maybe (-maybe-, I said!) there's a sign here that we're trying very
hard not to see. Maybe what foaming conservatives stop to scream at
every rally and demonstration they come across has a deeper meaning
than even they know.
Maybe we're not the real America.
(Well, I myself am most certainly not. But allow me the honorary merit
of inclusion until I finish this post.)
Let's not even go into the subject of how much of an actual change a
Kerry government would have been. Think of the democrat or liberal of
your choice in Kerry's place if it makes this exercise easier.
Maybe it's time to recognize the conservative agenda of snickering,
wink-wink racism, of chipping away citizen rights and bestowing them
to corporations, of more guns to be safe from people with guns, of tossing
pot smokers in jail to be gang-raped while taking kickbacks from alcohol
and tobacco, of exporting manufacturing jobs and reducing all others
to automated, "flexible" processes that can be performed by
a 17-year old picked off the street or anyone who accepts being paid
as one, of funding and propping up dictators overseas in the defense
of freedom, of having old white men legislate on the rights of poor,
young, pregnant women, might be the actual, legitimate purpose of the
majority of the American people, and since this is a democracy, also
the duty of the government.
Perhaps we should consider the possibility that the wonderful, unique
experiment of the United States of America has come to and end. It had
a magnificent run, and sent shockwaves of thought and change through
the globe, for good and/or ill, but like all good thing, it reached
its term. Maybe the US has become as cynical and ossified as the old
Soviet Union. More cheerful and comfortable, yes, and with its aggression
focused outward instead of inside, but just as hopeless. Not to mention
the added insult that the Russian people knew they were being fed bullshit
on an hourly basis by their government. The soviet press was quite aware
that they were printing lies and ridiculous propaganda. I wish I could
say the same about the United States.
But enough dwelling on the bad news. I'm writing this to offer a plan.
It's time to look into the past and bring an old trend back. Most specifically,
we should explore the Mayflower option.
Like you know better than me, long ago a bunch of people in England
felt out of their place and time. Maybe they wanted to explore new lands,
maybe they were afraid of being persecuted, maybe they just wanted to
be the majority for once so they could persecute others. For a number
of reasons, they got themselves a few ships and, like sang Eric Cartman,
Sometimes chickening out has good consequences, no matter how many kiddie
movies proclaim otherwise.
So stop punching the brick wall, my friends. It was a valiant effort,
and the world thanks you for it. It's time to tend to those bruised
knuckles now, somewhere else. Away from the pod people.
But where? Centuries ago, all it took was a few thousand prim, repressed
immigrants and a temperate coast to work wonders. Think of what we can
achieve with fine upstanding nifty people like yourself, and the right
piece of real estate!
Not Canada. Sorry. I know it's close by, and handy, but let's face it:
it's cold, and even if Canadians are absolutely awesome people, they
have confessed to me (since I'm not from the US) that most of their
charm comes from being so close to you without actually being swamped
Mexico is out. The last time some Americans decided to come down and
settle there, they liked it so much they gobbled up half of the country
in the next war. Let's not tempt fate.
The United Kingdom would be nice and all, I'll admit. Same language
and all, and you can trade jokes about the French. But it's never fun
to move back in with your parents after you've already said goodbye.
The Queen would say something to the effect of "I told you going
off like that wouldn't work; you should have stayed in boarding school
and become a clerk of the Office of Western Indies Commerce!" They'd
get all snooty on you, and that's a department they don't need any help
New Zealand is too small, Australia too dry, Germany too german.
I'm sure you already suspect what I'm driving at with this.
Come here, to Brazil. I'll pick you up at the airport, drive you around,
even give you the address of my favorite Italian restaurant, the one
I keep secret so it doesn't become famous and starts charging too much.
Go south, young man, way south. Here where everything is yet to be done,
and we'll do it together. Bring your money and your business. Hell,
bring anything that is not nailed down (and anything you can pry loose
is technically not nailed down). We have sun the whole year around,
we're already an immigrant country, English is the most-spoken foreign
language here, and we have no earthquakes or hurricanes. We'll even
pretend to like the ghastly, syrupy sweet crime you call a barbecue.
Though we do hope to breed eating sausages and fried bacon for breakfast
out of you within three generations of miscegenation. We have land to
spare, and we're in dire need of the fabled Yankee ingeniousness. Not
in the form of the corporations that come here to exploit semi-slave
labor and send the profit back home to a handful of smirking shareholders,
but actual people trying to build their lives in the best way possible.
An added bonus: you'll find your US dollar savings multiplied threefold
upon arriving here, thanks to the magic of exchange rates, while retaining
the same buying power. Come on, guys. It couldn't be more right is the
stars were properly aligned.
Here's another plus for you all: we use the metric system here, so it's
a good opportunity for you guys to be assimilate
ehm, catch up
with the times at last! The benefits are subtle but there: you male
owner of a 5-inch unit will find yourself upgraded to double-digit 13
centimeters, you stud you. And girls
why climb onto the scales
and see three-digit aberrations leaping at you? Why weight 180 pounds
when you can feel so much better at 80 kilos instead? It's all in the
And you conservatives of the Eisenhower school pack and get yourselves
here, too. We'll need someone to change the lightbulbs pretend to be
indignant while the rest of us are pot-smoking, gay-marrying, condom-wearing
race-betraying and otherwise living the socialist nightmare. Is that
the military-industrial complex sneaking behind you? It is! Run!
Operation Mayflower is a go. Write to George Soros: with the right lobby,
he'll pay everyone's airplane tickets. Though it would have more style
if you all came by ship. Saying goodbye is hard, so don't. Just vanish
overnight, leaving a flaming paper bag of dog poo on your neighbor's
doorstep. Let them enjoy their dog-eat-dog, Rapture-me-up utopian society
while it lasts.
America rocks. It's time to spread it around. Hell, I'll pay for the
Fábio T. Jardim.
An intriguing proposal, but we've found our new home, eh, and our Portuguese
really sucks. Besides, we saw that movie Brazil, and it didn't look
so hot-that's exactly the kind of thing we're trying to avoid!
SCARED OF FUNNY TALK
Within this past year, Oklahoma has experienced a spanish language invasion.
Our atm machines are now asking us if we want this in english or spanish,
walmart and home depot are experimenting with bilingual labels, lowes
has put spanish signs in its store in claremore ok, kaut43 and kokhtv25
have been airing spanish translation commercials, oeta13 has spanish
shows on for preschoolers, ksbi52 is going bilingual as well, drivers
exams are being given in spanish, and my childs mathbook has a spanish
glossary in the back of it. I'm fairly certain that if we wanted to
live in mexico, then we would all move to mexico, including the hispanic
population. No one has the right to enter our country illegally, and
then invade our homes or our businesses with a foreign language. Despite
the fact that every poll indicates an overwhelming majority of the population
oppose this trend, we have a handful of corporations and politicians
that seem intent on forcing us to accept it. We don't have to accept
anything! Last time i checked, we still run this country, not Mexico.
We have already done more for Mexico, than a lesser nation would have
done at great expense to our own economy. What the government doesn't
tell you about the unemployment figures, is that it doesn't include
the thousands of spouses who have lost their factory jobs, and have
chosen to stay home, rather than search for a lower paying minimum wage
job. It is also obvious that our government is trying to grow the economy
with unlimited population growth to pay for overspending, but at the
expense of losing our heart and soul of who we are. When in reality,
all we have to do is only trade with historical trading partners such
as Mexico, Canada, Japan, and England to prevent an economic drain.
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't sell to everyone who wants to buy,
it only means that we should buy from our closest neighbors and allies.
Trade with China and the rest of the world should not be happening,
unless it is something that we can't manufacture here or in Mexico.
China is taking away jobs that should be here or in Mexico. Other countries
must build their own economies like we did ours.
The real danger here goes far beyond the economic realities. If illegal
immigration is allowed to go unchecked, then we will have effectively
allowed another country to just walk right in, and turn America into
what they want it to be. There will be enormous consequences that most
people have not even considered.
1) They will eventually want their own spanish speaking schools. We
can barely afford to maintain the schools that we already have.
2) Hispanic kids will have a distinct advantage in getting the higher
paying bilingual jobs. Already police departments are paying more for
bilingual officers, and passing up for promotion nonbilingual officers.
Eventually, corporations will do the same thing. It will eventually
get so bad that you won't even be able to get a job at Mcdonalds unless
you are bilingual. Our kids should not have to learn another countries
language in order to get a job in their own country!
3) There is a real possibility that the border states may try to secede
from the union someday, if we don't almost completely stop immigration,
and Americanize the ones that are here already.
4) Our highway signs will eventually go bilingual.
5) Our kids will begin to grow up thinking that spanish language and
culture is the real America, and we all know that it is not.
Now, the minority of people who see nothing wrong with this, will use
the old argument that we are all descended from immigrants. This is
true, except for maybe the Native Americans. Immigration was fine in
the past in order to populate the country and take full advantage of
its resources, but now it has become a liability. When they start putting
spanish signs in our stores, then its time to take action! Although
we have every legal right to deport non citizens, there may be a better
way to handle this problem.
Lastly, it is important to note that this is not a racial issue. African
Americans will be at a disadvantage as well, in getting the higher paying
bilingual jobs. If Germany was on our border invading our country illegally,
and turning America into Germany, then it would be exactly the same
problem. I have also been told that atm machines in New England are
in Russian, Portuguese, Spanish, and Polish. Even more evidence to not
only crackdown on illegal immigration, but immigration in general should
be brought to a halt. Historically, when you start hearing people speak
a different language, that means you have just lost a war. We don't
have to lose this one, but we will if we don't take drastic action!!
niño pequeño tenido incoveniente en y xenófobo.
Los idiotas quieren que usted nos haga avergonzado ser Americano. Sus
niños hablarán inglés, sus niños hablarán
español, y ellos'll que todo anda mejor, usted ramera patética.
Sugerimos que usted toma un palo agudo y mete sus ojos que joden fuera
si la vista de las consternaciones extranjeras de palabras usted tanto.
Aquí's que espera que usted se estrangule a la muerte en un taco
que jode. Usted votó para el Arbusto. Nosotros le odiamos. Joda
tu madre, asno.