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Issue #62

Features:

O Buffalo: Why Move When we can Secede? - Al Uthman

Love or Four Hour Erections: The Choice is Clear - Matt Taibbi

The Falsification and Death Administration: FDA Approval may be Hazardous to your Health - Kit Smith

Meaning of Tripe: Countdown to the Beast's Ten Worst Presidential Election Campaign Hacks of 2004- Matt Taibbi

10 Ultra-Cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

The Big Rig: This Election was Worse than 2000 - William Rivers Pitt

The Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice - Chris Meister


Faux-tures:

The BEAST Interview With God

Who Voted Bush? - A BEAST Quiz

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Beastivities

Sports:

Wide Right: O Captain my Captain - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Jim Gielow

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Last Issue (#61)

Features:

Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


Faux-tures:

Our Election Campaign Sponsors

The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def

Sports:

Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Issue #60

Features:

Mayoral Survivor Contest: The BEAST Wants You to Run for Mayor!

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? - Al Uthman

Political Snickering: M&M/Mars' Campaign of Terror - Matt Taibbi

Big Brother Knows Best: Blockbuster Rents Bogus Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs - Paco Alameda

Scary Little Man: Bush's Belligerence -William Rivers Pitt

Kneeling Before George: President Bush is a Serious Stud - Merry Dunce, the Beast's "Fresh Voice"

American Indian Museum Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by American History Museum -Jake Novak

Reading the Blitz: Election Hacks Score Touchdown in Overtime Frenzy - Matt Taibbi

Freedumb: Zell Miller Echoes Militaristic Fallacy - Mark Golden




Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Brush with Greatness: I met Gretzky - Seamus Gallivan

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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2004 The Beast


SOMEONE LIKES US

I just finished my initial scan of the current issue.
I am laughing my ass off.
I can't stop.
The Higgins/Naples stuff is out of the park.
Good job

John

Dear John,

We've been trying to think of a way to answer this e-mail for five minutes now. We really just don't know how to take a compliment. Could you maybe just pretend to hate us?


MONSTERS OF MARKETING

Dear Sic,

I think you should advertise your mag in the great music mag "METAL MANIACS". They have a column called "Shorts" (if anyone at "The Beast" reads this mag they know of it).

If you need their address to advertise - Write to - Metal Maniacs Shorts - c/o Sterling/MacFadden - 333 7th Av. 11th floor, NY, NY, 10001. (Yes, there are some "Metal Heads" into politics in this fucked up world.) Think of all the credit you'd get from people around the globe whom haven't heard of "The Beast". You'd be famous and put Bflo. Ny, on the map as a city that has at least one extremely cool thing about it. And you'd educate people about Bflo, NY and what goes on here. You'd have world-wide fame if you did this. Think about it, please.

Thanks,
Paul Nathan
Bflo, NY

P.S. GEORGE W. BUSH IS A FAGGOT!

Dear Paul,

Okay………………no. If advertising in Metal Maniacs will grant us "world-wide fame," why haven't we ever heard of it before? You work for these dorks, or what?


CARNIVAL CRUISE

To the esteemed staff and editors of the Buffalo Beast;

Operation Mayflower

Bush has won, this time both the popular vote and the Electoral College, and until actual proof of any scam surfaces from a credible source, we must assume that it was fair and square. Going beyond the presidential election, we're also facing 11 states that favor legal measures against gay civil union, and further expansion of GOP power in the Senate and the house. At least two of the Supreme Court judges are going to resign in the second Bush term, ensuring conservative appointments as replacement.

One of the ever-fallible tenets of journalism states: "Three makes a trend". If it happens once, it's episodic. If it happens again, it might still be coincidence. A third time in a row…and there's something at work there, maybe a sea-change, maybe the capricious revolutions of history becoming evident, maybe nothing at all.

-Bush's election in 2000 (however contested).
-The Republican victory in the 2002 senate elections.
-Bush's re-election.

That's three.

It's time for us progressives, as well as classical conservatives, to pause and think, for a long time and a detached point of view. I know being detached is quite a lot to ask, when choice, mortgage payments and security are at stake, but let's make that extra effort. There.

Maybe (-maybe-, I said!) there's a sign here that we're trying very hard not to see. Maybe what foaming conservatives stop to scream at every rally and demonstration they come across has a deeper meaning than even they know.
Maybe we're not the real America.


(Well, I myself am most certainly not. But allow me the honorary merit of inclusion until I finish this post.)


Let's not even go into the subject of how much of an actual change a Kerry government would have been. Think of the democrat or liberal of your choice in Kerry's place if it makes this exercise easier.


Maybe it's time to recognize the conservative agenda of snickering, wink-wink racism, of chipping away citizen rights and bestowing them to corporations, of more guns to be safe from people with guns, of tossing pot smokers in jail to be gang-raped while taking kickbacks from alcohol and tobacco, of exporting manufacturing jobs and reducing all others to automated, "flexible" processes that can be performed by a 17-year old picked off the street or anyone who accepts being paid as one, of funding and propping up dictators overseas in the defense of freedom, of having old white men legislate on the rights of poor, young, pregnant women, might be the actual, legitimate purpose of the majority of the American people, and since this is a democracy, also the duty of the government.

Perhaps we should consider the possibility that the wonderful, unique experiment of the United States of America has come to and end. It had a magnificent run, and sent shockwaves of thought and change through the globe, for good and/or ill, but like all good thing, it reached its term. Maybe the US has become as cynical and ossified as the old Soviet Union. More cheerful and comfortable, yes, and with its aggression focused outward instead of inside, but just as hopeless. Not to mention the added insult that the Russian people knew they were being fed bullshit on an hourly basis by their government. The soviet press was quite aware that they were printing lies and ridiculous propaganda. I wish I could say the same about the United States.

But enough dwelling on the bad news. I'm writing this to offer a plan.

It's time to look into the past and bring an old trend back. Most specifically, we should explore the Mayflower option.

Like you know better than me, long ago a bunch of people in England felt out of their place and time. Maybe they wanted to explore new lands, maybe they were afraid of being persecuted, maybe they just wanted to be the majority for once so they could persecute others. For a number of reasons, they got themselves a few ships and, like sang Eric Cartman, sailed away.

Sometimes chickening out has good consequences, no matter how many kiddie movies proclaim otherwise.

So stop punching the brick wall, my friends. It was a valiant effort, and the world thanks you for it. It's time to tend to those bruised knuckles now, somewhere else. Away from the pod people.

But where? Centuries ago, all it took was a few thousand prim, repressed immigrants and a temperate coast to work wonders. Think of what we can achieve with fine upstanding nifty people like yourself, and the right piece of real estate!

Not Canada. Sorry. I know it's close by, and handy, but let's face it: it's cold, and even if Canadians are absolutely awesome people, they have confessed to me (since I'm not from the US) that most of their charm comes from being so close to you without actually being swamped by you.

Also, Mexico is out. The last time some Americans decided to come down and settle there, they liked it so much they gobbled up half of the country in the next war. Let's not tempt fate.

The United Kingdom would be nice and all, I'll admit. Same language and all, and you can trade jokes about the French. But it's never fun to move back in with your parents after you've already said goodbye. The Queen would say something to the effect of "I told you going off like that wouldn't work; you should have stayed in boarding school and become a clerk of the Office of Western Indies Commerce!" They'd get all snooty on you, and that's a department they don't need any help with already.

New Zealand is too small, Australia too dry, Germany too german.

I'm sure you already suspect what I'm driving at with this.

Come here, to Brazil. I'll pick you up at the airport, drive you around, even give you the address of my favorite Italian restaurant, the one I keep secret so it doesn't become famous and starts charging too much. Go south, young man, way south. Here where everything is yet to be done, and we'll do it together. Bring your money and your business. Hell, bring anything that is not nailed down (and anything you can pry loose is technically not nailed down). We have sun the whole year around, we're already an immigrant country, English is the most-spoken foreign language here, and we have no earthquakes or hurricanes. We'll even pretend to like the ghastly, syrupy sweet crime you call a barbecue. Though we do hope to breed eating sausages and fried bacon for breakfast out of you within three generations of miscegenation. We have land to spare, and we're in dire need of the fabled Yankee ingeniousness. Not in the form of the corporations that come here to exploit semi-slave labor and send the profit back home to a handful of smirking shareholders, but actual people trying to build their lives in the best way possible.


An added bonus: you'll find your US dollar savings multiplied threefold upon arriving here, thanks to the magic of exchange rates, while retaining the same buying power. Come on, guys. It couldn't be more right is the stars were properly aligned.
Here's another plus for you all: we use the metric system here, so it's a good opportunity for you guys to be assimilate…ehm, catch up with the times at last! The benefits are subtle but there: you male owner of a 5-inch unit will find yourself upgraded to double-digit 13 centimeters, you stud you. And girls…why climb onto the scales and see three-digit aberrations leaping at you? Why weight 180 pounds when you can feel so much better at 80 kilos instead? It's all in the mind.

And you conservatives of the Eisenhower school pack and get yourselves here, too. We'll need someone to change the lightbulbs pretend to be indignant while the rest of us are pot-smoking, gay-marrying, condom-wearing race-betraying and otherwise living the socialist nightmare. Is that the military-industrial complex sneaking behind you? It is! Run!

Operation Mayflower is a go. Write to George Soros: with the right lobby, he'll pay everyone's airplane tickets. Though it would have more style if you all came by ship. Saying goodbye is hard, so don't. Just vanish overnight, leaving a flaming paper bag of dog poo on your neighbor's doorstep. Let them enjoy their dog-eat-dog, Rapture-me-up utopian society while it lasts.

America rocks. It's time to spread it around. Hell, I'll pay for the Dramamine.

Fábio T. Jardim.

Dear Fabio,
An intriguing proposal, but we've found our new home, eh, and our Portuguese really sucks. Besides, we saw that movie Brazil, and it didn't look so hot-that's exactly the kind of thing we're trying to avoid!



SCARED OF FUNNY TALK


Within this past year, Oklahoma has experienced a spanish language invasion. Our atm machines are now asking us if we want this in english or spanish, walmart and home depot are experimenting with bilingual labels, lowes has put spanish signs in its store in claremore ok, kaut43 and kokhtv25 have been airing spanish translation commercials, oeta13 has spanish shows on for preschoolers, ksbi52 is going bilingual as well, drivers exams are being given in spanish, and my childs mathbook has a spanish glossary in the back of it. I'm fairly certain that if we wanted to live in mexico, then we would all move to mexico, including the hispanic population. No one has the right to enter our country illegally, and then invade our homes or our businesses with a foreign language. Despite the fact that every poll indicates an overwhelming majority of the population oppose this trend, we have a handful of corporations and politicians that seem intent on forcing us to accept it. We don't have to accept anything! Last time i checked, we still run this country, not Mexico.


We have already done more for Mexico, than a lesser nation would have done at great expense to our own economy. What the government doesn't tell you about the unemployment figures, is that it doesn't include the thousands of spouses who have lost their factory jobs, and have chosen to stay home, rather than search for a lower paying minimum wage job. It is also obvious that our government is trying to grow the economy with unlimited population growth to pay for overspending, but at the expense of losing our heart and soul of who we are. When in reality, all we have to do is only trade with historical trading partners such as Mexico, Canada, Japan, and England to prevent an economic drain. This doesn't mean that we shouldn't sell to everyone who wants to buy, it only means that we should buy from our closest neighbors and allies. Trade with China and the rest of the world should not be happening, unless it is something that we can't manufacture here or in Mexico. China is taking away jobs that should be here or in Mexico. Other countries must build their own economies like we did ours.


The real danger here goes far beyond the economic realities. If illegal immigration is allowed to go unchecked, then we will have effectively allowed another country to just walk right in, and turn America into what they want it to be. There will be enormous consequences that most people have not even considered.
1) They will eventually want their own spanish speaking schools. We can barely afford to maintain the schools that we already have.


2) Hispanic kids will have a distinct advantage in getting the higher paying bilingual jobs. Already police departments are paying more for bilingual officers, and passing up for promotion nonbilingual officers. Eventually, corporations will do the same thing. It will eventually get so bad that you won't even be able to get a job at Mcdonalds unless you are bilingual. Our kids should not have to learn another countries language in order to get a job in their own country!


3) There is a real possibility that the border states may try to secede from the union someday, if we don't almost completely stop immigration, and Americanize the ones that are here already.


4) Our highway signs will eventually go bilingual.
5) Our kids will begin to grow up thinking that spanish language and culture is the real America, and we all know that it is not.


Now, the minority of people who see nothing wrong with this, will use the old argument that we are all descended from immigrants. This is true, except for maybe the Native Americans. Immigration was fine in the past in order to populate the country and take full advantage of its resources, but now it has become a liability. When they start putting spanish signs in our stores, then its time to take action! Although we have every legal right to deport non citizens, there may be a better way to handle this problem.


Lastly, it is important to note that this is not a racial issue. African Americans will be at a disadvantage as well, in getting the higher paying bilingual jobs. If Germany was on our border invading our country illegally, and turning America into Germany, then it would be exactly the same problem. I have also been told that atm machines in New England are in Russian, Portuguese, Spanish, and Polish. Even more evidence to not only crackdown on illegal immigration, but immigration in general should be brought to a halt. Historically, when you start hearing people speak a different language, that means you have just lost a war. We don't have to lose this one, but we will if we don't take drastic action!!


thank you

Todd Neufeld


Estimado Todd,

Usted niño pequeño tenido incoveniente en y xenófobo. Los idiotas quieren que usted nos haga avergonzado ser Americano. Sus niños hablarán inglés, sus niños hablarán español, y ellos'll que todo anda mejor, usted ramera patética. Sugerimos que usted toma un palo agudo y mete sus ojos que joden fuera si la vista de las consternaciones extranjeras de palabras usted tanto. Aquí's que espera que usted se estrangule a la muerte en un taco que jode. Usted votó para el Arbusto. Nosotros le odiamos. Joda tu madre, asno.



 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.


Buffalo in Briefs

Election Day Madness! - Oh you crazy Western New York voters! How long have your politicians, specifically the assholes in Albany, been screwing you to the wall? Forever! So what did you motivated citizens go and do on election day? You went and reelected 99% of them. ?


The Falsification & Death Administration

Kit Smith

The staff at the Food and Drug Administration may not actively hate you and want you to die, but a study of the agency's sordid history suggests that they don't really care if you live either. Lucky for us, drug companies are kind, conscientious, and self-regulating. For example, in late September Merck and Co, makers of Vioxx, agreed to voluntarily recall their famous drug, now that a new study suggests it may put people at increased risk for heart attack. Isn't that nice of them? How thoughtful…. Unless four years doesn't qualify as "new" to you.


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