Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election
- GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary
references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking
patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a
from intellect and worthwhile rhetoric in Utica, NY for the last few
months, I have made a habit of visiting political discussion boards
online for a dose of informed bantering and arguing. I tend to gravitate
towards conservative cyber communities because I generally prefer
arguing to agreeing.
of the Litter
4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown.
Its a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around
aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with
$700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7
months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred
bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends
make a TV show to try selling to a network.
Evil, Must be Destroyed
is a bad and inconvenient thing. It must be stopped. That's why so
many of us environmental scientists voted for Bush. He recognizes
that endangered species are tasty, that Yellowstone is the most awesome
place for snowmobiling in the whole world, and that those horrible
California Redwoods are home to Satan himself.
Cool for School
the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors
has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely
regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest
wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their
country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras.
In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists'
and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.
Red - Everybodys freaking out about Giambras proposed
red budget, which would scale spending down to mandated
minimums, and basically reduce Buffalo to some anarchic Escape From
New York-style war zone within a year or two. People are understandably
up in arms about the possible loss of branch libraries, the philharmonic
and all arts funding (although we wouldnt mind saying goodbye
to that monumentally depressing animal Abu Ghraib we call a zoo),
as well as a staggering reduction in nearly every other service, except
high-level patronage jobs, of course.
amazing how pissed some parents will get if they see you drinking
Remy Martin in a theater during a kids movie. Throw the three
PCP-laced joints you smoked in the parking lot while disdainfully
watching sports bar patrons with a hooker who promised you an express
elevator to hell-of-a-night ahead into the equation, and youve
got a recipe for ugliness, my friends.
latter part of this summer and early fall espessially, I have noticed
that your special brand of witty, in-your-face journalism has rubbed
off on some other publications (ARE THEY SCARED? or ENVIOUS?) ARTvoice
had a couple of weeks ago a cover wich depicted a puppetmaster type
"pulling the strings"...Almost thought it was the new BEAST
for a moment. ALTpress put out a cover
story in their last issue about the finer points of rioting, WHAT!!
are they just that desperate that they will use an old idea you guys
used months ago? how boringly un-origional. And then finally this
newest issue of ARTvoice with giambra depicted in an alice in wonderland
spoof cover.....once again, thought it could be the new issue of the
time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not
be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness
to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice,
if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of
our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven
desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we
blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."
or 4-Hour Erections
history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying
to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of
course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama
is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the
hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this
Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans
did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought
that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it,
logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much
cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough.
Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked
wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area,
but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue
states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help
them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.
Falsification & Death Administration
staff at the Food and Drug Administration may not actively hate you
and want you to die, but a study of the agency's sordid history suggests
that they don't really care if you live either. Lucky for us, drug
companies are kind, conscientious, and self-regulating. For example,
in late September Merck and Co, makers of Vioxx, agreed to voluntarily
recall their famous drug, now that a new study suggests it may put
people at increased risk for heart attack. Isn't that nice of them?
. Unless four years doesn't qualify as "new"
Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice
weather put an electricity in the late October air in West Valley
last weekend. Or perhaps that electricity came from the blazing fires
of dissent? A nuclear waste processing plant, AKA the West Valley
Demonstration Project, was the arena for a pre-Halloween protest-fest
that drew a whopping
BEAST Interview With God
dejected and withdrawn over the stupidity of our fellow countrymen
in reelecting George W. Bush, our thoughts turned first to suicide,
then alcohol. Once we calmed down and sobered up a bit, we had no
choice but to go to the source to ask the tough questions about the
election, the future of our country and the world.
10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween
The Supreme Court.
Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election
by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush
stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority
for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is
about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the
scales in favor of reason.
Christian Assholes Matt
brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist
Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep
believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence
is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous
requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to
Word From Our Sponsors
National and Local Campaign Ads Increase the Attack Level.
'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves
Cancer Awareness Month was launched in 1985 by Zeneca Pharmaceuticals.
Zeneca is the company that manufactures the widely prescribed breast
cancer drug Nolvadex (generic name tamoxifen), and operates a chain
of cancer care centers. No conflict of interest there! All TV, radio,
and print media regarding Breast Cancer Awareness Month are paid for
and must be approved by Zeneca. But wait; there's more.