(November 23 - December 21)
have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you're at work,
and the entire dream is you at work with all the work related
anxieties, and just when the day is about to end, your fucking
alarm clock goes off and you wake up realizing that it is time
to get ready for work? Then you are already exhausted by the time
you get into the office and are a genuinely miserable prick to
everyone the entire day because now your job is even stealing
your dream time from you. Sagittarius, whatever you do, don't
piss in the office coffee pot
they have a camera in there.
(December 22 - January 20)
have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you're falling and
then your entire body jerks awake in a panic? Then you lay awake
for about twenty minutes just glad that you weren't really falling
but still nervous? I fucking hate that. Anyhow Capricorn, please
stop farting on the bus. Please.
(January 21 - February 19)
there Aquarius, have you ever been having a really great wet dream
and just when things are about to culminate you wake up for no
discernable reason? The you immediately try to go back to sleep
and end up lying awake for an hour thinking about calling in sick
to work so you can stay home and watch the Star Trek marathon
on the Sci-Fi channel? I hate that shit because you end up going
to work because you know if you call in you will only waste the
entire day sleeping just to have to go into work when you really
are sick because you used up your sick time. I feel bad for you,
(February 20 - March 20)
have you ever had a dream wherein you are cooking a fabulous dinner
for all of your friends and family to enjoy and just before the
meal you wake up and realize that you fell asleep on the couch
during a Ron Popeil infomercial? Then you lay awake on the couch
to tired to move and must suffer through the rest of the infomercial
being haunted by Ron Popeil and now other members of his wretched
family. What ever you do, Pisces, don't order the pasta maker.
Think about it: is pasta really that expensive that you need to
make it at home?
(March 21 - April 20)
have you ever had a dream involving a Mexican Hat Dance and several
ripe Avocados? Is that not the most fucked up dream you have ever
had? The way the music kept on playing faster and all those angry
farmers? Man that was some crazy shit. Do you almost shit yourself
whenever you see a garden hoe? Lets not even get into the whole
Avocado thing. Aries, if you value your sanity, stay away from
the Farmer's Market.
(April 21 - May 20)
Taurus, have you ever had a dream wherein the President of the
United States was elected via falsified results and then claims
to have a mandate from the people? Then you wake up and CNN is
telling you that your nightmare came true? Holy shit, that was
a shitty dream that became a really shitty reality. Well, Taurus,
good luck finding a job and try not to require medical care for
the next few years.
(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini, have you ever had a dream wherein you are sleeping in
your dream? Isn't that the most restful dream you can have? No
Clowns, Ninja or Avocados, just the rest and relaxation of your
own bed in your own head. It's like getting a little gift from
your brain when you've done something good. Enjoy it while you
can Gemini, it's just a matter of time before those damn clowns
(June 21 - July 22)
have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you are actually
flying and it is totally awesome but you once again inexplicably
wake up? Then you try to go back to sleep hoping to get back to
the flying dream but instead have a bland dream that involves
grocery shopping? Why does your own brain punk you out like that?
I say teach the brain a lesson and start drinking heavily. Maybe
it will think twice about pulling that shit, Cancer, after you
demonstrate your willingness to kill a few million brain cells.
(July 23 - August 22)
Leo, Leo, have you ever had a reoccurring dream wherein you are
being sodomized by most of the WWE wrestlers? Then you wake up
all sticky and don't know why? Well the reason for this is that
you're gay. If you're not sure, just ask yourself why you get
the urge to masturbate during "WrestleMania" commercials.
For Christ's sake, Leo, you have some on tape, which you watch
after everyone is asleep. So you can stop picking on that guy
in the mailroom and ask him out.
(August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, have you ever had a dream wherein you had to watch yourself
doing really stupid shit but there was nothing you could do about
it? Man that sucks and it is so like being an American and watching
what America is doing to itself and the rest of the world. Well
Leo, at least when you wake up from that stupid dream you can
go downstairs, make a Turkey sandwich and everything is over
of course you go and foolishly turn on the news.