The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

with Andrew Gullerstein

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Sagittarius, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you're at work, and the entire dream is you at work with all the work related anxieties, and just when the day is about to end, your fucking alarm clock goes off and you wake up realizing that it is time to get ready for work? Then you are already exhausted by the time you get into the office and are a genuinely miserable prick to everyone the entire day because now your job is even stealing your dream time from you. Sagittarius, whatever you do, don't piss in the office coffee pot…they have a camera in there.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you're falling and then your entire body jerks awake in a panic? Then you lay awake for about twenty minutes just glad that you weren't really falling but still nervous? I fucking hate that. Anyhow Capricorn, please stop farting on the bus. Please.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Hey there Aquarius, have you ever been having a really great wet dream and just when things are about to culminate you wake up for no discernable reason? The you immediately try to go back to sleep and end up lying awake for an hour thinking about calling in sick to work so you can stay home and watch the Star Trek marathon on the Sci-Fi channel? I hate that shit because you end up going to work because you know if you call in you will only waste the entire day sleeping just to have to go into work when you really are sick because you used up your sick time. I feel bad for you, Aquarius.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, have you ever had a dream wherein you are cooking a fabulous dinner for all of your friends and family to enjoy and just before the meal you wake up and realize that you fell asleep on the couch during a Ron Popeil infomercial? Then you lay awake on the couch to tired to move and must suffer through the rest of the infomercial being haunted by Ron Popeil and now other members of his wretched family. What ever you do, Pisces, don't order the pasta maker. Think about it: is pasta really that expensive that you need to make it at home?

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, have you ever had a dream involving a Mexican Hat Dance and several ripe Avocados? Is that not the most fucked up dream you have ever had? The way the music kept on playing faster and all those angry farmers? Man that was some crazy shit. Do you almost shit yourself whenever you see a garden hoe? Lets not even get into the whole Avocado thing. Aries, if you value your sanity, stay away from the Farmer's Market.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Damn Taurus, have you ever had a dream wherein the President of the United States was elected via falsified results and then claims to have a mandate from the people? Then you wake up and CNN is telling you that your nightmare came true? Holy shit, that was a shitty dream that became a really shitty reality. Well, Taurus, good luck finding a job and try not to require medical care for the next few years.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Hey Gemini, have you ever had a dream wherein you are sleeping in your dream? Isn't that the most restful dream you can have? No Clowns, Ninja or Avocados, just the rest and relaxation of your own bed in your own head. It's like getting a little gift from your brain when you've done something good. Enjoy it while you can Gemini, it's just a matter of time before those damn clowns are back.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you are actually flying and it is totally awesome but you once again inexplicably wake up? Then you try to go back to sleep hoping to get back to the flying dream but instead have a bland dream that involves grocery shopping? Why does your own brain punk you out like that? I say teach the brain a lesson and start drinking heavily. Maybe it will think twice about pulling that shit, Cancer, after you demonstrate your willingness to kill a few million brain cells.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, Leo, Leo, have you ever had a reoccurring dream wherein you are being sodomized by most of the WWE wrestlers? Then you wake up all sticky and don't know why? Well the reason for this is that you're gay. If you're not sure, just ask yourself why you get the urge to masturbate during "WrestleMania" commercials. For Christ's sake, Leo, you have some on tape, which you watch after everyone is asleep. So you can stop picking on that guy in the mailroom and ask him out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Hey Virgo, have you ever had a dream wherein you had to watch yourself doing really stupid shit but there was nothing you could do about it? Man that sucks and it is so like being an American and watching what America is doing to itself and the rest of the world. Well Leo, at least when you wake up from that stupid dream you can go downstairs, make a Turkey sandwich and everything is over…Then of course you go and foolishly turn on the news.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein your house is sucked up into a tornado and you land in another dimension filled with Witches and Midgets and Tin men and Lions and Wizards? Of course you haven't, but you watched it on television last night, didn't you? You couldn't help it; you were compelled to watch it and eat tofu. That, Libra, is why your Father cries. So don't you ever, ever give me any shit about watching my cartoons. By the way Libra, I think Leo is finally going to ask you out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Hey Scorpio, did you ever have one of those dreams wherein you're about to have sex with some woman you've been flirting with, and just when you get her naked she turns out to be a pre-op transsexual? Then, for the first time in your life the damn alarm clock doesn't go off to wake you? Man it really sucks. Now you're stuck in an uncomfortable situation with a wet dream girl equipped with a semi-functional transsexual penis clad in a cock ring. It's like being trapped in a coffin with fire ants. Then when you wake up, you don't remember the dream right away but for some reason take a very long shower. Anyhow Scorpio, you should really stop eating an entire pan of refried beans before bed.