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Issue #63

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Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #62

Features:

O Buffalo: Why Move When we can Secede? - Al Uthman

Love or Four Hour Erections: The Choice is Clear - Matt Taibbi

The Falsification and Death Administration: FDA Approval may be Hazardous to your Health - Kit Smith

Meaning of Tripe: Countdown to the Beast's Ten Worst Presidential Election Campaign Hacks of 2004- Matt Taibbi

10 Ultra-Cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

The Big Rig: This Election was Worse than 2000 - William Rivers Pitt

The Smoldering Fuel Rods of Environmental Justice - Chris Meister


Faux-tures:

The BEAST Interview With God

Who Voted Bush? - A BEAST Quiz

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: O Captain my Captain - Ronnie Roscoe









Issue #61

Features:

Voting Guide of FEAR

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween - Al Uthman

Onward Christian Assholes: Some Folks Just Can't Wait for the Apocalypse - Matt Taibbi

A Talk With Sam Hoyt - Eric Gauchat

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves: Breast Cancer? Chemical Firm Supplies Cause & Cure - Kit Smith


Faux-tures:

Our Election Campaign Sponsors

The BEAST Scary Election Fun Page!

Over 60 Million Killed in Huge Fucking Flu Epidemic - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Entertainment:

Movies:

Kino Korner

Music:

Album Reviews: Interpol, Mos Def

Sports:

Wide Right: Going Double-Negative - Ronnie Roscoe







Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

#62

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#59

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2004 The Beast

BEAST-O-SCOPES

with Andrew Gullerstein


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Sagittarius, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you're at work, and the entire dream is you at work with all the work related anxieties, and just when the day is about to end, your fucking alarm clock goes off and you wake up realizing that it is time to get ready for work? Then you are already exhausted by the time you get into the office and are a genuinely miserable prick to everyone the entire day because now your job is even stealing your dream time from you. Sagittarius, whatever you do, don't piss in the office coffee pot…they have a camera in there.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you're falling and then your entire body jerks awake in a panic? Then you lay awake for about twenty minutes just glad that you weren't really falling but still nervous? I fucking hate that. Anyhow Capricorn, please stop farting on the bus. Please.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Hey there Aquarius, have you ever been having a really great wet dream and just when things are about to culminate you wake up for no discernable reason? The you immediately try to go back to sleep and end up lying awake for an hour thinking about calling in sick to work so you can stay home and watch the Star Trek marathon on the Sci-Fi channel? I hate that shit because you end up going to work because you know if you call in you will only waste the entire day sleeping just to have to go into work when you really are sick because you used up your sick time. I feel bad for you, Aquarius.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, have you ever had a dream wherein you are cooking a fabulous dinner for all of your friends and family to enjoy and just before the meal you wake up and realize that you fell asleep on the couch during a Ron Popeil infomercial? Then you lay awake on the couch to tired to move and must suffer through the rest of the infomercial being haunted by Ron Popeil and now other members of his wretched family. What ever you do, Pisces, don't order the pasta maker. Think about it: is pasta really that expensive that you need to make it at home?


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, have you ever had a dream involving a Mexican Hat Dance and several ripe Avocados? Is that not the most fucked up dream you have ever had? The way the music kept on playing faster and all those angry farmers? Man that was some crazy shit. Do you almost shit yourself whenever you see a garden hoe? Lets not even get into the whole Avocado thing. Aries, if you value your sanity, stay away from the Farmer's Market.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Damn Taurus, have you ever had a dream wherein the President of the United States was elected via falsified results and then claims to have a mandate from the people? Then you wake up and CNN is telling you that your nightmare came true? Holy shit, that was a shitty dream that became a really shitty reality. Well, Taurus, good luck finding a job and try not to require medical care for the next few years.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Hey Gemini, have you ever had a dream wherein you are sleeping in your dream? Isn't that the most restful dream you can have? No Clowns, Ninja or Avocados, just the rest and relaxation of your own bed in your own head. It's like getting a little gift from your brain when you've done something good. Enjoy it while you can Gemini, it's just a matter of time before those damn clowns are back.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein you are actually flying and it is totally awesome but you once again inexplicably wake up? Then you try to go back to sleep hoping to get back to the flying dream but instead have a bland dream that involves grocery shopping? Why does your own brain punk you out like that? I say teach the brain a lesson and start drinking heavily. Maybe it will think twice about pulling that shit, Cancer, after you demonstrate your willingness to kill a few million brain cells.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, Leo, Leo, have you ever had a reoccurring dream wherein you are being sodomized by most of the WWE wrestlers? Then you wake up all sticky and don't know why? Well the reason for this is that you're gay. If you're not sure, just ask yourself why you get the urge to masturbate during "WrestleMania" commercials. For Christ's sake, Leo, you have some on tape, which you watch after everyone is asleep. So you can stop picking on that guy in the mailroom and ask him out.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Hey Virgo, have you ever had a dream wherein you had to watch yourself doing really stupid shit but there was nothing you could do about it? Man that sucks and it is so like being an American and watching what America is doing to itself and the rest of the world. Well Leo, at least when you wake up from that stupid dream you can go downstairs, make a Turkey sandwich and everything is over…Then of course you go and foolishly turn on the news.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, have you ever had one of those dreams wherein your house is sucked up into a tornado and you land in another dimension filled with Witches and Midgets and Tin men and Lions and Wizards? Of course you haven't, but you watched it on television last night, didn't you? You couldn't help it; you were compelled to watch it and eat tofu. That, Libra, is why your Father cries. So don't you ever, ever give me any shit about watching my cartoons. By the way Libra, I think Leo is finally going to ask you out.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Hey Scorpio, did you ever have one of those dreams wherein you're about to have sex with some woman you've been flirting with, and just when you get her naked she turns out to be a pre-op transsexual? Then, for the first time in your life the damn alarm clock doesn't go off to wake you? Man it really sucks. Now you're stuck in an uncomfortable situation with a wet dream girl equipped with a semi-functional transsexual penis clad in a cock ring. It's like being trapped in a coffin with fire ants. Then when you wake up, you don't remember the dream right away but for some reason take a very long shower. Anyhow Scorpio, you should really stop eating an entire pan of refried beans before bed.


 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.


MEMRI Problems

Chris Riordan

Stranded from intellect and worthwhile rhetoric in Utica, NY for the last few months, I have made a habit of visiting political discussion boards online for a dose of informed bantering and arguing. I tend to gravitate towards conservative cyber communities because I generally prefer arguing to agreeing.


Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.


Redwoods Evil, Must be Destroyed

Kit Smith

Nature is a bad and inconvenient thing. It must be stopped. That's why so many of us environmental scientists voted for Bush. He recognizes that endangered species are tasty, that Yellowstone is the most awesome place for snowmobiling in the whole world, and that those horrible California Redwoods are home to Satan himself.


Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.


Buffalo in Briefs

Code Red - Everybody’s freaking out about Giambra’s proposed “red budget,” which would scale spending down to mandated minimums, and basically reduce Buffalo to some anarchic Escape From New York-style war zone within a year or two. People are understandably up in arms about the possible loss of branch libraries, the philharmonic and all arts funding (although we wouldn’t mind saying goodbye to that monumentally depressing animal Abu Ghraib we call a zoo), as well as a staggering reduction in nearly every other service, except high-level patronage jobs, of course.


Kino Korner

Michael Gildea

It’s amazing how pissed some parents will get if they see you drinking Remy Martin in a theater during a kids’ movie. Throw the three PCP-laced joints you smoked in the parking lot while disdainfully watching sports bar patrons with a hooker who promised you an express elevator to hell-of-a-night ahead into the equation, and you’ve got a recipe for ugliness, my friends.


[sic] - Letters

...The latter part of this summer and early fall espessially, I have noticed that your special brand of witty, in-your-face journalism has rubbed off on some other publications (ARE THEY SCARED? or ENVIOUS?) ARTvoice had a couple of weeks ago a cover wich depicted a puppetmaster type "pulling the strings"...Almost thought it was the new BEAST for a moment. ALTpress put out a cover story in their last issue about the finer points of rioting, WHAT!! are they just that desperate that they will use an old idea you guys used months ago? how boringly un-origional. And then finally this newest issue of ARTvoice with giambra depicted in an alice in wonderland spoof cover.....once again, thought it could be the new issue of the BEAST...




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.


 

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