The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

JOINER

Dear Matt,

I just want to say that your article “Play Time is Over” [issue #58] was excellent and far too true for comfort. Especially with the unfortunate election results (not that it matters in the long run) I feel the need to be involved to promote positive change. I wonder if you might suggest any organizations that have their act together enough to warrant joining.

Thankyou,

Terry O’Brien

Dear Teri,

We hear the Michigan Militia is looking for new members.

EXTRA SOUR CREAM

I believe you went too far in your personal insults regarding Mary Lou Rath ["Voting Guide of Fear," issue #61]. I do not personally know her, or even live in her district, but the comment about her husband dying and us being better off for it was one of the worst things you could say to somebody. I would be DEVASTATED if my wife died, she is my soul mate. If you said that about me in a public forum I would want to tear off your head and beat it with a baseball bat in front of your mother, so she could see what the "beautiful" baby boy she created turned out to be. I feel real sorry for you that your "paper" has to resort to such personal vulgar attacks on people in order to gain a following. If you can't get your point and/or opinion across without resorting to such an infantile approach then you do look like assholes yourselves. Who even takes your views seriously, obviously not anyone who votes or is legally allowed to vote. If you want to discuss your political views with me in a mature manner, I would be willing to listen to them. If you want to have your writings viewed as just comedy or entertainment then so be it, that is your right here in America.

Respectfully,

Jon - Elm, NY

PS I am considering contacting your sponsors and advertisers regarding my possible refusal to patronize their establishments because of their support of your hate filled writings. I AM one of those suburbians that does work in the city, go to entertainment in the city, and spend lots of money in the clubs and restraunts in the city.

Jon,

Old Abe Lincoln was right when he said “Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt.” Reading your words is like looking into the toilet bowl after a thunderous bowel movement fueled by two El Nino burritos and a twelve pack of Genny Cream Ale. Do you honestly think we give a shit about offending the sensibilities of a man who considers beating someone’s severed head with a baseball bat in front of their mother an acceptable form of social discourse?

Guys like you are all for the freedom of expression until you realize that you actually have to tolerate the freedom of others. Then you start beating your chests and posturing in order to ensure that things stay just the way you like them. Well fuck you Jon, fuck you in the ass with a giant strap-on dildo worn by the reanimated corpse of Mary Lou Rath’s husband, brought forth by dark magic. No wonder your wife bangs all those UPS guys when you’re at work. Go ahead, be an asshole and threaten our advertisers with the loss of your patronage knowing full well it’s an empty threat, and that BEAST advertisers have heard it all before. You won’t stop patronizing because you know the food is good, the music is good and the shows are good. So be an asshole Jon, it’s your right. Revel in it Jon, revel in it.

THE SINCEREST FORM OF RIPPING US OFF

You know......

Ever since you guys busted out on the scene....I've been there, Maybe not reading every word you guys print, but at least getting a good feel for what (as a paper) you were trying to do, and I love every last scrap, You guys out-do yourself on a weekly basis (easy enough with the state of affairs) W.N.Y's own private MAD magazine, now I am reading everything!!

But I cannot help to notice how tides shift, Starting off as the underdogs, The BEAST has become a staple in everyones routine, for christ's sake you guys are in those red boxes on every other corner. The latter part of this summer and early fall espessially, I have noticed that your special brand of witty, in-your-face journalism has rubbed off on some other publications (ARE THEY SCARED? or ENVIOUS?) ARTvoice had a couple of weeks ago a cover wich depicted a puppetmaster type "pulling the strings"...Almost thought it was the new BEAST for a moment. ALTpress put out a cover story in their last issue about the finer points of rioting, WHAT!! are they just that desperate that they will use an old idea you guys used months ago? how boringly un-origional. And then finally this newest issue of ARTvoice with giambra depicted in an alice in wonderland spoof cover.....once again, thought it could be the new issue of the BEAST....was not??

So what does this all mean? could it be that a teeny tiny bit at a time, logic, reasoning, and truth is seeping out of the pages of the BEAST, into the collective consious of the locals in one form or another? Probably not, but The BEAST is making an impact whether YOU like it or not. next week: THE BEAST, The new ARTvoice.

Three cheers for copycats,

GUTS

Dear GUTS,

Why innovate when you can replicate? They might be able to mimic the form but as everyone knows they just don’t have the follow through. Their egos have taken the helm and they now thrive on the glow of their own vanity. Gone is the ability to watch CNN, Columbo and Master and Commander On the Far Side of The World simultaneously with full comprehension while waiting for the pizza guy to show. We are people that choose going back to sleep with full knowledge we will be getting a parking ticket by doing so. We are the Old Gods come back. Thanks for looking out and saying something, GUTS, but try not to let it get to you. They might be able to get you into bed but the joy ends once you lift the covers. You Keep on reading and we’ll keep on writing…Fart jokes, lots of fart jokes.

BATTERED EGO

I'm emailing you first to say we read the beast all the time..

But, I kinda feel the article you wrote about Ulner Lee Still ["Buffalo in Briefs, issue 62], is outragous. First the fact of the matter is that most women dont realize what abuse is til it's to late. Second , I being a victom of all kinds of abuse find it very insulting for you people to find it FUCKIN FUNNY..

I was raised in that matter so didnt even know it was wrong til I was almost killed.. So as far as it goes most women that are abused were either raised in that type of setting and think that its wrong, or are lacking something in themselves that makes them think they can't have it any better..

You say you don't understand why women go through it ,and either stay with their abuser or get with them in the first place..

Have you people ever heard the statement

" NOONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENEDS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS "

Well it's true. Most of your abusers are what you would call "closet cases".. Or in other words they act very different around people, Then they do once that door closes, your in HELL AGAIN .An abusers paradise.... So I guess what I'm saying is DON'T JUDGE OR LAUGH AT US WHO HAVE BEEN THERE OR ARE STILL IN THAT HELL ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY

Vicky

Dear Vicky,

Shut up or you’re going to get smacked.

THE IRONIC CHEF

Recipes from the MedicAid kitchen…

A Quality of Life Reduction

Step One Ingredients:

$170,317,482 million to MedicAid

Step Two Ingredients:

3,000 county employees or 30% of work force

The Buffalo Zoo

The Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra

The Erie County Public Libraries

Public Services

Senior Services

School nurses

Directions:

§ Pour ingredient in Step One into black cauldron.

§ Let bubble until unstoppably boiling over.

§ Mix ingredients in Step Two in enormous mixing bowl.

§ Throw Out

Recipe makes enough to serve all the residents (too young, too old, or too poor to leave) who are still left in Erie County by the time it’s done cooking.

That’s it! Cooking is easy when you do it the MedicAid way!

- Caroline

Dear Caroline,

Sounds delicious, but we’re not hungry; we’re still sick off those budget proposals Giambra just crammed down our throats.

MOTHERCANUCKER

Mr, Uthman,

What an incredible article =) [“O Buffalo,” issue #62] I followed a link to your web posting and just wanted to let you know that it's been one of the most enjoyable articles I've read post-election. Funny, witty and exceptionally poingnat... including your closing commentary of :

"So that's it. Bummer. No secular socialist paradise for us; we are forever tethered to the self-persecuting poor; the religious seizure class; the pathologically ignorant. What are you gonna do?

I guess we'll just have to stay, figure out a way to kick the crap out of these delusional zombies, and save the damned world."

Thank you !

Sheri K

Dear Sheri,

Yeah, we know how the article ends, thanks. You know, it’s a matter of polite custom in Canada to send a nude photo of yourself along with any letter or e-mail. So get cracking, eh?

THE NOT-SO-BRIGHT SIDE

Silver Lining in Bush’s Win

George Bush’s successful bid for a second term in office is certainly cause for distress among Democrats, Liberals, Libertarians, Greens, Feminists, Gays and lots of other like-minded folks, but all is not lost. You can find plenty of bright spots if you know where to look for them.

A religious conversion can give you a clean slate. If you are anything like George W. Bush, binge drinking, drug abuse, promiscuity and just about anything else you indulge in can be can be expunged from your past if you simply declare yourself Born Again. Chances are, you’ll want to live it up for many years, so don’t use the religious conversion ploy until you’re really ready to settle down.

You can avoid the military draft. The conservatives have fought hard to keep gays out of the military, so all you have to do is claim to be gay to avoid the draft. This option is not available to your conservative counterparts because they would rather be dead than gay. You, on the other hand, are open-minded and will suffer no shame in your pragmatic, though bogus, newfound state of sexual orientation. After the war is over, you can undergo a religious conversion that both “cures” you and purges your past (see above).

Guns are good for two reasons. First, it is common knowledge that gun owners often kill themselves or their family members more often than they kill intruders. That, by itself, will lead to a reduction in NRA supporters over time. Second, given the precipitous decline in our civil rights due to the USA Patriot Act, it might not be a bad idea to rethink your own stance on gun control – you might need an AK47 some day soon.

Putting God back into the Pledge is educational. Many of us have gotten too persnickety over the word “God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. It’s better to look on the bright side and think of it as a celebration of our diversity: “one nation under Allah,” for the Muslims; “one nation under Bog” for the Poles, “one nation under Dios” for the Mexicans; and “one nation under” for the atheists.

No more inconvenience. Let’s face it; no one likes to sort garbage for recycling. With this administration’s attitude toward the environment, recycling will fall by the wayside as a quaint holdover from the 20^th Century practiced only by eccentric old women. And forget about turning off the lights when you leave a room and turning down the thermostat at night. None of that matters anymore because Dick Cheney has our energy policy all figured out.

What would Jesus do? “What would Jesus do?” has become the mantra of religious conservatives. Unfortunately, the answer they have come up with so far has included support for war and guns and a withdrawal of support for the sick and needy. However, it is entirely possible that if they keep asking the question and reading their bibles, they might actually come up with the correct answer in the future. As I recall, Jesus is the Prince of….

--April Spas

Dear April,

…pie? Is it pie? Prince of Pie? We love pie! Could you send us pie? We’d love some pie! Thanks for your inspiring message!