Home



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

HThe Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #63

Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)

Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

#63

#62

#61

#60

#59

More



2004 The Beast

PIPE DREAM
Bills Still Have A Shot At Another Super Bowl Loss
By Ronnie Roscoe

 

The past five years have seen the Buffalo Bills go from perennial playoff contenders to playoff pretenders. It is a common cliché that good teams will always find a way to win and bad teams always find a way to lose. The Bills have found just about every way to lose while finishing at or below .500 for the four previous seasons. This past weekend against Miami, the Bills faced a very bad team. The 2004 version of the Dolphins is, in a word, pitiful. Despite scoring 21 points in the first quarter, Miami floundered the rest of the game and proved why bad teams lose. Miami gave up a kickoff return and an interception return for a touchdown. By games' end, they had committed seven turnovers. With the win, the Bills move to 6-6 and appear headed toward a winning record. After watching this victory, I was left with one question: I know Miami is bad and that is why they lost, but are the Bills good and is that why they won?

The season started miserably for Buffalo, going 0-4. One week the team would be on the verge of winning but someone make a selfish play or a dumb penalty. The next week a running back would fall down, or Drew Bledsoe would fumble. The kicker missed kicks; the coach made bad calls; whatever it took to lose, the Bills would do it. Things have been different for the past two months-four wins in six games with the only two losses to Baltimore and New England. Lets not forget, those teams have combined to win three of the last four Super Bowls. Granted, the Bills have not beaten anyone that good, but they have won, and you can't take that away from them.

During the Bills season opening four-game losing streak, they held fourth quarter leads against Jacksonville and the Jets, only to watch them storm down the field and win in the final seconds. The Miami game had a similar storyline: with 2 minutes to play and down three points, the Dolphins were ready to take the final drive and either tie or beat the Bills. If this game were played two months ago, Miami probably would have marched down the field and scored, sending Buffalo home a loser. But that was then and this is now.

This new Bills team put a twist on the same old same old. As Miami looked to move down the field, Pat Williams, a 350-lb. defensive lineman, intercepted a pass and rumbled 15 yards to the Miami end zone. Not only do defensive lineman rarely intercept passes, they get to the end zone about as often as George Bush gets to NAACP conventions. The game was over and the Bills would go home victors. Despite the great play by Williams, I still was not sure if that was a good team making a good play to win or a bad team making a bad play to lose. The only thing for sure is Buffalo was on the winning end.

Buffalo will play Cleveland this week. The Browns have three wins, one more than Miami, but at this point in the season, Cleveland is probably worse than Miami. Their coach quit last week, they will be playing their third string quarterback and they have a defense which has allowed 100 points in the past two games. By winning, the Bills would move to 7-6 and still have an outside shot at making a playoff spot.

The next week, the Bills will travel to Cincinnati. It wasn't too long ago that the Bengals were without question the worst team in football. They never seemed to win and always finished in last place. This year, similar to the Bills, Cincinnati is moving up. They have the same record as Buffalo at 6-6. They went to Baltimore this past weekend and beat the same Raven team that kicked Buffalo's ass, scoring 24 points in the fourth quarter, culminating with a last-second field goal to win. They made the plays good teams need to make to beat good teams. They have an explosive offense and will pose a serious challenge to the Bills. The good news is that, while Buffalo is playing Cleveland, Cincinnati will be playing New England. If the Patriots dispose of the Bengals, as one would assume, then the Bengals' season would be over and they may have difficulty getting motivated for the Bills. Because of this, if Buffalo wins against Cincy, we still may not know if it because the Bills are good or if the opponent is bad. The next week the Bills play one-win San Francisco, which should be another win against a bad team, finally setting the stage for the season finale at home versus Pittsburgh.

The Steelers are 11-1 and fighting for the best record in football. New England and Philadelphia also have only one loss-both came against Pittsburgh. If things go according to plan, the Bills will be 9-6 and a have a full head of steam to take on the Steelers. Pittsburgh is the "feel-good" story of the season, as no one thought they would even compete for a playoff spot after winning only 5 games last year. To win against Pittsburgh, Buffalo will need to make plays and we will finally find out if they are a good team. If the answer is yes, it might be enough to put the Bills in the playoffs. They would be riding a seven game winning streak, making them the hottest team going into the post season. Who knows where it would stop? The Super Bowl is in Jacksonville this season. Wouldn't that be an ironic place for the Bills to end their season, after losing to the Jaguars on opening day?



 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


[sic]

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.


MEMRI Problems

Chris Riordan

Stranded from intellect and worthwhile rhetoric in Utica, NY for the last few months, I have made a habit of visiting political discussion boards online for a dose of informed bantering and arguing. I tend to gravitate towards conservative cyber communities because I generally prefer arguing to agreeing.


Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.


Redwoods Evil, Must be Destroyed

Kit Smith

Nature is a bad and inconvenient thing. It must be stopped. That's why so many of us environmental scientists voted for Bush. He recognizes that endangered species are tasty, that Yellowstone is the most awesome place for snowmobiling in the whole world, and that those horrible California Redwoods are home to Satan himself.


Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.