was at a complete and total loss as to what to think when I walked
out of the theater after seeing Closer. Itís the latest film
starring beautiful people lying to and cheating on each other, while
examining the human condition.
Roberts is a photographer who shoots the author photo for Jude Lawís
book about his relationship with Natalie Portman. The ugly guy who
played King Arthur in the crappy, Bruckheimerized King Arthur movie
from last summer is in it too. I think he was Julia Robertsí boyfriend.
I donít know.
movie gave me that feeling when youíre with someone and you know
you should split up, but donít for convenienceís sake. My feelings
switched gears later in the movie when I was overwhelmed with the
feeling you get when you want to dump somebody, but just havenít
gotten around to it yet.†
I started thinking about how five years of retail has killed and
eviscerated any Christmas spirit I may have had left. How red and
green make brown when you mix them together and brown is the color
of shit. How putting so many Jude Law movies out in a row is like
eating pizza for three weeks in a row and that gets really boring.
How Julia Roberts doesnít seem as skanky anymore. I mean, she still
looks like a fish sort of, but sheís not as bad as she used to be.
Natalie Portman made me remember that the last Star Wars
prequel is coming out in less than six months. Lucas better get
his ass in gear for this one. Heís a proficient director from a
technical standpoint, but the man canít write dialogue and he sure
as shit doesnít know how to get a decent performance out of an actor.
I mean, Natalie Portman is great, but sheís pretty boring in those
Iím sorry. Maybe I still donít know what to think about Closer.
It was well made, very well acted, but I just couldnít bring myself
to care about anyone in it. I think this may be one of those movies
that is made to try and snatch up some Oscars, and it just might.
But donít let Closer snatch up your money. Unless Patty at
the office liked it. Then again, she likes anything that Julia Roberts
is in, so maybe sheís not the best one to go by on this one.
often wondered what Chinese water torture would be like. Very annoying
and maddening would be phrases Iíd use to describe it, but because
Iíve never endured it, I canít truly say.
once in a while, I go through an experience that I can compare it
to. A trip to the DMV, filling out paperwork of any kind, and doing
my laundry have been the closest experiences Iíve been privy to
that could possibly compare. The time between ďI donít think we
should see each other anymoreĒ and the time when you actually leave
the table at a crowded restaurant to avoid a scene is another one
thatís top of that list.
I saw Alexander, Oliver Stoneís grand epic about the life
of one of the greatest men the world has ever known. The man conquered
most of the known world at the time, so you know two things. 1)
There should be some great battles and, 2) Itís going to be pretty
first didnít really happen. Alexander the Great won about fifty
battles in order to claim his empire and the movie showcased two.
The man was a master strategist. He couldíve probably won World
War II with three kegs of beer, a Sherman tank, forty Hellís Angels
and a yardstick. The first battle was covered in dust and not particularly
great in this post-Lord of the Rings world we live in. The
next hour and a half is filled with unnecessary and even less engaging
scenes, destroying any interest in the story to the point that the
first half hour of Saving Private Ryan couldnít have saved
Alexander was pretty long. About an hour and a half too long.
The first hour was interesting, then the next thirty minutes picked
it up. Stone beautifully orchestrated this part of the movie coaxing
great performances out of his cast. Colin Farrell was really good
as Alexander, projecting authority with every word. Angelina Jolie
plays his mother, Olympias, who made me think of the Baroness from
the old G.I. Joe cartoon. Val Kilmer was really good as the one-eyed
Philip, Alexanderís father. He reminded me a little too much of
everyoneís favorite South Buffalo Irish drunk, but he was fun to
we get into the painful part of the movie. I have nothing against
anyone whoís gay. God love Ďem, let them do what they want in the
privacy of their own homes. Stone didnít show any backyard drilling,
but for as much insinuation about the whole thing as there was,
he may as well have shown it. It was nice to see Rosario Dawson
naked, but not at the expense of having to look at Colin Farrellís
sac dangling between his hairy ass cheeks.
Alexander was painful. It ran way too long and it got to
the point where Angelina Jolie shouldíve had a Newport 100 hanging
out of her mouth while reciting her lines. It didnít seem to have
a focus. Itís like listening to Ornette Coleman whacked out of his
mind on acid playing saxaphone for three days straight.
watching Alexander, you get the feeling that Oliver Stone
really admires Alexander. Maybe a little too much, to the point
where he had to put even the tiniest goddamned detail into the movie.
If you get anybody talking about something they really love, they
start rambling with a certain incoherence and long-windedness that
can quickly suck the meat off of even the most interesting of carcasses,
leaving only a sugary core that eventually sends you into a sleepy
coma. Or in the case of Alexander, a waking death.
a point in Alexander where his men are griping about how hey havenít
been home in seven years and theyíre sick of this shit. I felt their
With the Kranks (0 stars)
you donít hate Christmas yet, your date with destiny is only a trip
to the theater and ninety-eight minutes away. And the final nail
in the coffin comes in the form of Christmas With the Kranks.
Itís an absolutely terrible movie about a family who decides to
blow off the traditional Christmas and go on a cruise instead.
Kranks are met with the kind of adversity that Frankensteinís monster
was met with after throwing a little girl in the lake. All thatís
missing are the torches and the Burgomaster. Just because theyíre
not decorating their houses like a bunch of assholes.
the cast of has-beens is a barrage of jokes that are the true antithesis
of humor. Itís tragic on every level. Not Romeo and Juliet
tragic, but newborn baby falling down three flights of stairs tragic.
know how there are some movies that allegedly make you feel like
youíre falling in love all over again? Christmas With the Kranks
will teach you how to hate again. Itís for the first time hater
all the way up to your 95 year-old grandpa Irving who completely
forgot how to hate because the Alzheimerís even robbed him of emotion.
know some people who like certain levels of anger in their lives
because it makes them feel alive, and without it theyíre lost. I
know that Christmas With the Kranks is supposed to make people
rediscover the magic of Christmas or some shit like that, but it
completely backfires. It makes people who actually have a clue as
to whatís going on in the real world pissed off. Really pissed off.
I saw Christmas With the Kranks, I wanted a copy of Star
Wars: Battlefront for Christmas. Now I just want a shiny, nickel-plated
.45 and hollow point bullets in my stocking.