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Issue #65

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Features:

HThe Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #63

Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)

Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

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#62

#61

#60

#59

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© 2004 The Beast

Closer

I was at a complete and total loss as to what to think when I walked out of the theater after seeing Closer. Itís the latest film starring beautiful people lying to and cheating on each other, while examining the human condition.

Julia Roberts is a photographer who shoots the author photo for Jude Lawís book about his relationship with Natalie Portman. The ugly guy who played King Arthur in the crappy, Bruckheimerized King Arthur movie from last summer is in it too. I think he was Julia Robertsí boyfriend. I donít know.

The whole movie gave me that feeling when youíre with someone and you know you should split up, but donít for convenienceís sake. My feelings switched gears later in the movie when I was overwhelmed with the feeling you get when you want to dump somebody, but just havenít gotten around to it yet.†

Then I started thinking about how five years of retail has killed and eviscerated any Christmas spirit I may have had left. How red and green make brown when you mix them together and brown is the color of shit. How putting so many Jude Law movies out in a row is like eating pizza for three weeks in a row and that gets really boring. How Julia Roberts doesnít seem as skanky anymore. I mean, she still looks like a fish sort of, but sheís not as bad as she used to be.

Seeing Natalie Portman made me remember that the last Star Wars prequel is coming out in less than six months. Lucas better get his ass in gear for this one. Heís a proficient director from a technical standpoint, but the man canít write dialogue and he sure as shit doesnít know how to get a decent performance out of an actor. I mean, Natalie Portman is great, but sheís pretty boring in those movies.

Oh, Iím sorry. Maybe I still donít know what to think about Closer. It was well made, very well acted, but I just couldnít bring myself to care about anyone in it. I think this may be one of those movies that is made to try and snatch up some Oscars, and it just might. But donít let Closer snatch up your money. Unless Patty at the office liked it. Then again, she likes anything that Julia Roberts is in, so maybe sheís not the best one to go by on this one.


Alexander

Iíve often wondered what Chinese water torture would be like. Very annoying and maddening would be phrases Iíd use to describe it, but because Iíve never endured it, I canít truly say.

Every once in a while, I go through an experience that I can compare it to. A trip to the DMV, filling out paperwork of any kind, and doing my laundry have been the closest experiences Iíve been privy to that could possibly compare. The time between ďI donít think we should see each other anymoreĒ and the time when you actually leave the table at a crowded restaurant to avoid a scene is another one thatís top of that list.

Then I saw Alexander, Oliver Stoneís grand epic about the life of one of the greatest men the world has ever known. The man conquered most of the known world at the time, so you know two things. 1) There should be some great battles and, 2) Itís going to be pretty long.

The first didnít really happen. Alexander the Great won about fifty battles in order to claim his empire and the movie showcased two. The man was a master strategist. He couldíve probably won World War II with three kegs of beer, a Sherman tank, forty Hellís Angels and a yardstick. The first battle was covered in dust and not particularly great in this post-Lord of the Rings world we live in. The next hour and a half is filled with unnecessary and even less engaging scenes, destroying any interest in the story to the point that the first half hour of Saving Private Ryan couldnít have saved it.

But Alexander was pretty long. About an hour and a half too long. The first hour was interesting, then the next thirty minutes picked it up. Stone beautifully orchestrated this part of the movie coaxing great performances out of his cast. Colin Farrell was really good as Alexander, projecting authority with every word. Angelina Jolie plays his mother, Olympias, who made me think of the Baroness from the old G.I. Joe cartoon. Val Kilmer was really good as the one-eyed Philip, Alexanderís father. He reminded me a little too much of everyoneís favorite South Buffalo Irish drunk, but he was fun to watch.

Then we get into the painful part of the movie. I have nothing against anyone whoís gay. God love Ďem, let them do what they want in the privacy of their own homes. Stone didnít show any backyard drilling, but for as much insinuation about the whole thing as there was, he may as well have shown it. It was nice to see Rosario Dawson naked, but not at the expense of having to look at Colin Farrellís sac dangling between his hairy ass cheeks.

Ultimately, Alexander was painful. It ran way too long and it got to the point where Angelina Jolie shouldíve had a Newport 100 hanging out of her mouth while reciting her lines. It didnít seem to have a focus. Itís like listening to Ornette Coleman whacked out of his mind on acid playing saxaphone for three days straight.

In watching Alexander, you get the feeling that Oliver Stone really admires Alexander. Maybe a little too much, to the point where he had to put even the tiniest goddamned detail into the movie. If you get anybody talking about something they really love, they start rambling with a certain incoherence and long-windedness that can quickly suck the meat off of even the most interesting of carcasses, leaving only a sugary core that eventually sends you into a sleepy coma. Or in the case of Alexander, a waking death.

Thereís a point in Alexander where his men are griping about how hey havenít been home in seven years and theyíre sick of this shit. I felt their pain.


Christmas With the Kranks (0 stars)

If you donít hate Christmas yet, your date with destiny is only a trip to the theater and ninety-eight minutes away. And the final nail in the coffin comes in the form of Christmas With the Kranks. Itís an absolutely terrible movie about a family who decides to blow off the traditional Christmas and go on a cruise instead.

The Kranks are met with the kind of adversity that Frankensteinís monster was met with after throwing a little girl in the lake. All thatís missing are the torches and the Burgomaster. Just because theyíre not decorating their houses like a bunch of assholes.

Accompanying the cast of has-beens is a barrage of jokes that are the true antithesis of humor. Itís tragic on every level. Not Romeo and Juliet tragic, but newborn baby falling down three flights of stairs tragic.

You know how there are some movies that allegedly make you feel like youíre falling in love all over again? Christmas With the Kranks will teach you how to hate again. Itís for the first time hater all the way up to your 95 year-old grandpa Irving who completely forgot how to hate because the Alzheimerís even robbed him of emotion.

I know some people who like certain levels of anger in their lives because it makes them feel alive, and without it theyíre lost. I know that Christmas With the Kranks is supposed to make people rediscover the magic of Christmas or some shit like that, but it completely backfires. It makes people who actually have a clue as to whatís going on in the real world pissed off. Really pissed off.

Before I saw Christmas With the Kranks, I wanted a copy of Star Wars: Battlefront for Christmas. Now I just want a shiny, nickel-plated .45 and hollow point bullets in my stocking.



 

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Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


[sic]

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.


MEMRI Problems

Chris Riordan

Stranded from intellect and worthwhile rhetoric in Utica, NY for the last few months, I have made a habit of visiting political discussion boards online for a dose of informed bantering and arguing. I tend to gravitate towards conservative cyber communities because I generally prefer arguing to agreeing.


Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.


Redwoods Evil, Must be Destroyed

Kit Smith

Nature is a bad and inconvenient thing. It must be stopped. That's why so many of us environmental scientists voted for Bush. He recognizes that endangered species are tasty, that Yellowstone is the most awesome place for snowmobiling in the whole world, and that those horrible California Redwoods are home to Satan himself.


Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.