The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

by Josh Righter

Former retail giants Kmart and Sears announced last Wednesday their intention to merge via a $11 billion buyout of Sears by Kmart, creating the third largest retailer in the United States and the first largest failure, according to Kmart Holding Corp. chairman Edward Lampert.

"I couldn't be more thrilled about this acquisition," said a beaming Lampert, who was attempting to sell his car -- a '91 Ford Tempo -- over Ebay for "a little extra cash" while giving the press conference. "With Kmart and Sears joining forces, consumers can now look forward to an even bigger selection of products that they will pass over in favor of places like Walmart, Best Buy, and Home Depot."

And Sears chairman and CEO Alan Lacy expressed his excitement over the prospect of "losing even more money".

"If there's one thing I love doing, it's losing money," he said, using his sharp teeth to quickly shred over $1,000 in small bills as he spoke. "My company has experienced plummeting sales for years now, but this opportunity to join forces with Kmart means we'll be able to dramatically accelerate our rate of money-to-fire pit ratio. Sounds good to me!"

When asked how his company, which was forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy less than three years ago and has since experienced declining sales, the closing of 600 stores, termination of 57,000 employees, and cancellation of company stock, could possibly afford to buy Sears, Lampert explained it was through "selling off the company".

"We posted a profitable quarter in March in part due to selling some of our stores to Sears, which used those stores to maximize their sales declining potential," he said. "Seeing that, it occurred to me: why can't we both lose sales together?"

Losing sales will not be the only benefit of the acquisition, however; Lampert promises new, inexpensive products for consumers who have abandoned Kmart and Sears in the past in favor of newer chain stores.

"Sears will return to prominence as the place to get your electronics with our new television models compatible with all the hottest VCRs," he said. "And kids, we didn't forget about you, either: our sweet Atari videogame systems are so real, you'd swear you were a couple of lines battling several dots!"

As if that wasn't enough, Lampert says exclusive brands will attract customers in to the new stores.

"There's only one place to see Martha Stewart live: prison," he said. "And there's only one place to get her merchandise: Sears/Kmart."

Lacy added that the two companies are now working closely together to determine their most appropriate demographics to sell to, which include everything from "Citizens Over 80" to "People Who Don't Live Near Anything Else".

"We expect that people who were once ripped off by Walmart and hold long-standing grudges will flock to our stores," he said excitedly. "And as Mr. Lampert indicated, our exclusive use of the Martha Stewart brand will continue giving us unparalleled access to the 'Stupid Housewife' market."

Consumer reaction to the merger, as of press time, was mixed at best.

"Sears?" said one man, furrowing his brow. "Yeah, I think I bought a refrigerator from there once, like 15 years ago. Didn't they get bought out by KFC or something?"

"I don't know," said one woman dubiously. "Kmart sounds an awful lot like Walmart. Are you sure they're not just copying?"

When asked if their company was prepared to defend its legal use of the suffix "mart", Lampert chuckled good goodnaturedly.

"Not at all!" he said, chortling. "We can barely pay the electric bill, let alone a lawyer!"

Josh Righter is Head Honcho at enduringvision.com, “a webpage of satire, and also love.”