The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

with Andrew Gullerstein

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

I'm laughing right now, Sagittarius, and I really shouldn't be. You see, sometimes it's not right to laugh about something, but we just can't help it, you know? Like that time we were kids, and you made up that story about me wetting the bed, and you ran around telling everybody, laughing at how upset you made me? I can see now how you thought that was funny-I really can. So I hope you'll understand when I tell you why I'm laughing now. I'm laughing because you, Saggitarius, are going to be badly mutilated by an attack dog next week. I know it sounds horrible, but the image of it is really quite funny-you'd be surprised how silly you look flailing around with a pit bull hanging from your face. You can't avoid your destiny, Sagittarius, but you should try to get it on videotape-America's Funniest Home Videos might not want it, but you've got a good shot at Real TV.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, I love you and all, but my cell phone minutes are frigging expensive. You know how much reality astrologers make, and it ain't a lot. I know it was my stupid fault getting a prepaid virgin mobile phone, but I just can't handle all of the weird loopholes and traps in the other plans, and I hate getting bills. Everything would be peachy if you'd just call when there was a reason to, instead of calling me every few minutes to see "how I'm doing." As it is my minutes are dwindling away like so many discarde pistachio shells. I'm hungry, Capricorn.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Take that hat off, Aquarius; you look stupid.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, nobody cares that you're Irish. Why do you think that makes you cool? Irish people are just fine, and they have cool accents, but your accent is that of a fifth-generation South Buffalonian, and you drink Canadian beer. Besides, who starves to death on an island surrounded by fish? You're not Irish, Pisces; you're just white.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Stop smoking, Aries; you're pregnant. No, really. I know you thought you couldn't have babies, but that's because your husband lied about the results of your fertility tests; he's the one that can't sign the check. You know what that means, don't you Aries? You're going to have some 'splaining to do when the little bugger comes out looking just like Javier from the fitness club. On the other hand, Javier makes a good $5,000 a year more than old numbnuts anyway, if you count the drug sales. Seriously, Aries, stop smoking.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Heroin won't make you a better musician, Taurus, you idiot. I know, I know: Jimmy Page was a heroin addict, John Lennon was a heroin addict, etc, etc. But look a little closer: Jimmy didn't start doing smack until after Houses of the Holy, and we both know it was downhill after that-I mean, just try listening to Presence all the way through. And Lennon's heroin phase produced such classics as "My Mummy's Dead" and the Two Virgins disaster. If you really want to make the album of the decade, Taurus, smoke dope and drop acid like a normal person.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, on New Year's Eve you will meet a beautiful girl who will take an instant liking to you despite your inability to articulat English words due to excessive inebriation. She will kiss you at midnight, and then invite you to her place for wild sex. Do not go with her, Gemini, do not go with her. This will be difficult for you, in your drunken state, but you will wish you had listened to me when you discover she's not carrying a flashlight in her pants after all. Then again, Gemini, do you want to spend another year alone? Your call…fag.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Lay off the botox, Cancer, please! Next Thursday will be the second time you've been hospitalized for botulism from running from one clinic to the next when they refuse to treat you again so soon. Your smooth, expressionless face is so dead that your friends and family are beginning to worry that you're developing a neurological disorder. Wrinkles may be God's way of telling you that you're getting closer to death, but it's better than being mistaken for a corpse every time you sit down. You're old, Cancer; get over it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

I hate to break it to you now, Leo, when it's too late to do anything about it, but your girlfriend really never cheated on you. You're the one who left his underwear in her car, that night you got wasted and decide to go skinny-dipping in the lake, remember? She never was very good about keeping the car clean, was she? Oh well, nothing to be done about it now. Kind of ironic, though, that you chose to dispose of her body there, too, isn't it Leo? Maybe next time you'll meet a girl who knows enough not to let you carry a pocketknife.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You're not a writer, Virgo. There's this thing that writers do, something you don't: it's called writing. What you are is someone who justifies his lack of employment or motivation with vague references to his nonexistent "work." Pretensions of profundity will not get you very far though, already some of those in your circle are growing tired of your refusal to show them your novel because it's "not done yet." You should have been a painter, Virgo-they can do anything and get away with it.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, falling in love with a stripper is about the dumbest thing a guy can do. What the hell is wrong with you, bringing gifts you can't afford to a junkie skank you know only as "Leather?" Add those expenses to the constant stream of dollar bills it takes to hold her attention, and you'll be too broke to pay someone to punch you in the face when you realize she only smiles at you to keep from laughing. Don't worry, though, Libra, I'll be there for you. I'll punch you for free.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, I like you as a friend, but your sister is totally hot. Do you think you could introduce me? I know she's gay and everything, but don't you think I have an outside shot? I can try to be more effeminate. Yeah, I heard she has hepatitis, but what a body! Bulimic too? Clearly she needs me to take care of her. Oh by the way, thanks for cooking me dinner the other night, that was nice. That movie was great too. You're really the greatest, Scorpio-so can I get her number?