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Issue #65

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Features:

HThe Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #63

Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)

Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

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2004 The Beast

BEAST-O-SCOPES

with Andrew Gullerstein


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

I'm laughing right now, Sagittarius, and I really shouldn't be. You see, sometimes it's not right to laugh about something, but we just can't help it, you know? Like that time we were kids, and you made up that story about me wetting the bed, and you ran around telling everybody, laughing at how upset you made me? I can see now how you thought that was funny-I really can. So I hope you'll understand when I tell you why I'm laughing now. I'm laughing because you, Saggitarius, are going to be badly mutilated by an attack dog next week. I know it sounds horrible, but the image of it is really quite funny-you'd be surprised how silly you look flailing around with a pit bull hanging from your face. You can't avoid your destiny, Sagittarius, but you should try to get it on videotape-America's Funniest Home Videos might not want it, but you've got a good shot at Real TV.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, I love you and all, but my cell phone minutes are frigging expensive. You know how much reality astrologers make, and it ain't a lot. I know it was my stupid fault getting a prepaid virgin mobile phone, but I just can't handle all of the weird loopholes and traps in the other plans, and I hate getting bills. Everything would be peachy if you'd just call when there was a reason to, instead of calling me every few minutes to see "how I'm doing." As it is my minutes are dwindling away like so many discarde pistachio shells. I'm hungry, Capricorn.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Take that hat off, Aquarius; you look stupid.

 

 


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, nobody cares that you're Irish. Why do you think that makes you cool? Irish people are just fine, and they have cool accents, but your accent is that of a fifth-generation South Buffalonian, and you drink Canadian beer. Besides, who starves to death on an island surrounded by fish? You're not Irish, Pisces; you're just white.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Stop smoking, Aries; you're pregnant. No, really. I know you thought you couldn't have babies, but that's because your husband lied about the results of your fertility tests; he's the one that can't sign the check. You know what that means, don't you Aries? You're going to have some 'splaining to do when the little bugger comes out looking just like Javier from the fitness club. On the other hand, Javier makes a good $5,000 a year more than old numbnuts anyway, if you count the drug sales. Seriously, Aries, stop smoking.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Heroin won't make you a better musician, Taurus, you idiot. I know, I know: Jimmy Page was a heroin addict, John Lennon was a heroin addict, etc, etc. But look a little closer: Jimmy didn't start doing smack until after Houses of the Holy, and we both know it was downhill after that-I mean, just try listening to Presence all the way through. And Lennon's heroin phase produced such classics as "My Mummy's Dead" and the Two Virgins disaster. If you really want to make the album of the decade, Taurus, smoke dope and drop acid like a normal person.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, on New Year's Eve you will meet a beautiful girl who will take an instant liking to you despite your inability to articulat English words due to excessive inebriation. She will kiss you at midnight, and then invite you to her place for wild sex. Do not go with her, Gemini, do not go with her. This will be difficult for you, in your drunken state, but you will wish you had listened to me when you discover she's not carrying a flashlight in her pants after all. Then again, Gemini, do you want to spend another year alone? Your call…fag.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Lay off the botox, Cancer, please! Next Thursday will be the second time you've been hospitalized for botulism from running from one clinic to the next when they refuse to treat you again so soon. Your smooth, expressionless face is so dead that your friends and family are beginning to worry that you're developing a neurological disorder. Wrinkles may be God's way of telling you that you're getting closer to death, but it's better than being mistaken for a corpse every time you sit down. You're old, Cancer; get over it.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

I hate to break it to you now, Leo, when it's too late to do anything about it, but your girlfriend really never cheated on you. You're the one who left his underwear in her car, that night you got wasted and decide to go skinny-dipping in the lake, remember? She never was very good about keeping the car clean, was she? Oh well, nothing to be done about it now. Kind of ironic, though, that you chose to dispose of her body there, too, isn't it Leo? Maybe next time you'll meet a girl who knows enough not to let you carry a pocketknife.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You're not a writer, Virgo. There's this thing that writers do, something you don't: it's called writing. What you are is someone who justifies his lack of employment or motivation with vague references to his nonexistent "work." Pretensions of profundity will not get you very far though, already some of those in your circle are growing tired of your refusal to show them your novel because it's "not done yet." You should have been a painter, Virgo-they can do anything and get away with it.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, falling in love with a stripper is about the dumbest thing a guy can do. What the hell is wrong with you, bringing gifts you can't afford to a junkie skank you know only as "Leather?" Add those expenses to the constant stream of dollar bills it takes to hold her attention, and you'll be too broke to pay someone to punch you in the face when you realize she only smiles at you to keep from laughing. Don't worry, though, Libra, I'll be there for you. I'll punch you for free.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, I like you as a friend, but your sister is totally hot. Do you think you could introduce me? I know she's gay and everything, but don't you think I have an outside shot? I can try to be more effeminate. Yeah, I heard she has hepatitis, but what a body! Bulimic too? Clearly she needs me to take care of her. Oh by the way, thanks for cooking me dinner the other night, that was nice. That movie was great too. You're really the greatest, Scorpio-so can I get her number?



 

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Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


[sic]

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.


MEMRI Problems

Chris Riordan

Stranded from intellect and worthwhile rhetoric in Utica, NY for the last few months, I have made a habit of visiting political discussion boards online for a dose of informed bantering and arguing. I tend to gravitate towards conservative cyber communities because I generally prefer arguing to agreeing.


Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.


Redwoods Evil, Must be Destroyed

Kit Smith

Nature is a bad and inconvenient thing. It must be stopped. That's why so many of us environmental scientists voted for Bush. He recognizes that endangered species are tasty, that Yellowstone is the most awesome place for snowmobiling in the whole world, and that those horrible California Redwoods are home to Satan himself.


Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.