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Issue #65

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Features:

HThe Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #63

Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)

Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







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Archives--Old BEASTs

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2004 The Beast


RELIBERATED

I often cringe at what I hear about going on in my home town but this story hit a nerve with me. I was a junior at Hutch-Tech High School working on the school newspaper wondering if stories we wrote about the war (Vietnam) would get past the Vice Principle who was the ultimate editor at that time. Most of them didn't and the "Everything is rosy" picture was painted over an over like the cheap apartment on the east side where we lived.

After the Nth run in with the news Gestapo I gave up thinking that freedom of speech was pretty much a joke. Then I started to read a local underground newspaper that had some real content, political insight and something or someone you could laugh at. I liked it so much I decided to resell the newspaper for extra cash and to pass along a different view than the bland version officalized by the school. Just like those kids at the Honors School I got busted called down to the principles office and told stop selling the paper or stop school. I didn't have anyone to fight for me so I caved in and stopped selling the paper in school. Those kids in Hutch Tech who liked the paper continued to read it even if it couldn't be bought at school. I had an effect on others and gave them the ability to recognize alternatives. This is the reason why I read the Beast today.

I currently run a number of web sites on servers that I own, if those kids need a place to host their web site I would like to volunteer again and I haven't even read an issue of the Liberator. By the way is there a way for an out of towner like me to get a copy of the Liberator?

Thanks John H Schuster

Dear John,
That depends on your tolerance for wedgies.


DOES SHE ALSO SMELL LIKE TURPENTINE?

i just wanted to thank you for addressing the controversies of the Liberator.i couldnt have said it better myself. It was thouroughly refreshing. Though Hughes and Evola did go a little too far in the 3rd issue, they had many valid points, especially when it came to Dr. Battaglia. i go to school there, and in my opinion shes an an uncreative tyrant, and because of that CHS is becoming just another highschool. help!

-please dont print my screen name

Dear Please,

Man, this bitch is pretty damn unpopular, huh? We got a bunch of e-mails about her-including a rather nasty one from a teacher! Mary, why can't you be nicer?


WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

Al,

I thoroughly enjoy your paper's style, wit, and the way you treat politicians. However, I think you're missing something here. You support the liberal side of the fence. But don't you think this social experiment in socialism called New York proves something? This totally dysfunctional government should be screaming something to you. IT WONT FUCKING WORK. I agree that all politicians should be shot on site, however we aren't lucky enough to live in Iraq. (Hey... how did Bush survive the Texas Governorship anyway? :) This fucking smoking ban is a damnable offense to liberty and most conservitives I know (whether they smoke or not) are totally against it. Unfortunatly the liberals have embraced the attitude that "We're gonna stop you from killing yourselves" "we're gonna decide how much better we can spend your money" or "we're going to take care of you, too" All of this breeding Political correctness (which you so rightly despise) I doubt you're an idiot, but you have taken some fairly mis-informed positions on a few issues, such as "succeding from the union," which *laffing here thinking of a Tight-assed Toronto barraster answering such a question* you think medical treatment is "free" I've lived there, and trust me, you'd rather go to ECMC on a busy night than go to any of their facilities for anything more serious than a cold.

It seems in New York, the right to someone else's money doesn't only affect the politicians, but also the people who are giving that money up, who also happen to be leaving as fast as their feet can take them OUT of Buffalo, as well as other New York cities. Pretty soon, there won't be enough of those "rich bastards" to support the squaller of the average welfare recipient. Medical services will go down the tubes, and there won't be anyone to pay for food stamps, much less a parking ticket.

Yes, Bush is a Christian crusader, far to the right of even myself. That doesn't worry me. I think more freedoms have been taken from me by the left than the right. It is essentally a wash, in my opinion. But, even if I had a more liberal point of view, Kerry couldn't keep any of his stories straight enough for me to trust that his precedency would be better. In fact, I would rather stick with the evils I know as opposed to ones that can bite me in the ass cuz I can't see them coming.

All of the elites scare me, both liberal and conservative. But, I've lived in both liberal "islands" on the west coast, and here, in New York. (shedding a tear for my liberal friends in California here as they lost their governer AND their president.) Pataki is a conservitive in name only, or has had to bend to the will of the liberal legislative body so much that he is ineffectual. California did the right thing. (No pun intended) Too bad the people of New York aren't that smart (or pissed off) Maybe someday the unions won't have such a hand-hold on the powers that be in New York but, till all their members lose their jobs, (most of which are tax funded) New York will continue its downward spiral into destitution.

In the meantime, your paper is a fanciful diversion and an endless source of entertainment to me. By all means I wish you the best. The hot-seat you put our politicians on is truly unique, and I hope you continue. I just hope you can see that New York is indicative of what a truly liberal state will become.

Regards, M

Mr. Uthman responds:

Dear M,

No, New York is indicative of what a truly corrupt state can become-but lately corruption seems to be the central plank of the Republican platform anyway. If you're looking for examples of truly liberal states, try Sweden, or Holland, Denmark, Switzerland, etc. All of these countries enjoy social statistics that make us look like Guatemala.

Granted, the smoking ban is an offensive atrocity of condescension, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I may get better service at ECMC than in Canada (I don't know enough about it to refute you), but the point is I can't afford it. In Canada, I could go get a check-up. Here, I won't be seeking medical treatment 'til something falls off. That's just not acceptable in a country that claims to be the greatest in the world.

And let's not forget that, despite all its flaws, New York State still contributes more to the Federal Government in taxes than it takes. By contrast, the conservative red states suck more out of the pork trough than they're giving. In other words, your argument that New York is somehow more dysfunctional or unsustainable than, say, Alabama, just doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

Besides, the South is a cultural wasteland, aside from New Orleans. You can have it, M. I'm sticking with the United States of Canada.

Kerry was a chump, to be sure. But if you think sticking with Bush was the better plan, well…get back to me in four years. I'll probably be residing at Gitmo.


CONSPIRACY FEARY

I believe the same people who spread the anthrax mailings were the same people who instigated 9/11 for scare so they could benefit by the billions in war profiteering.(like Grandpa Prentiss Bush did with the Nazi's and Hitler) ....Bush ,his father, Dick Cheney and other old cronies and money mongers...the same people who rigged the 2004 election machines or at least the main machine, most likely the same people in colusion with those who poisoned Arafat, and there is another guy a Russian (I believe) higher up that they cannot figure out what is wrong with him....the same people who used an example like Lee harvey Oswald suppopsedly killed JFK...a scapegoat conveniently killed . In this era we have Osama Bin Laden (the one that got away.....or let go...Bush had close ties with his brother Salem who invested in GW Bush's Arbusto oil co..........and what a coincidence he died in a plane crash in Texas (GW country) GW Bush's partner ran some kind of a company that had planes. My eyes are open and this whole huge thing...that is much bigger than what I have mentions makes me truly sick!

Susan

Dear Susan,

It might be time to turn down the wattage on your neural amplification helmet. Your heart's in the right place, but your brain's on Perseus 6 in the Rigel system.


OUR KIND OF GUY

Dear Beast,

I first read a copy of your publication when I was visiting a friend in Buffalo last year. Not only did I laugh my head off, but I finished reading more informed than when I started.

I currently live in Baltimore, but I always make an effort to read your paper. To be completely honest, you're the only American-published newspaper I consider to be valid regarding politics and other newsworthy information. The other papers I read are the Guardian and whatever Greg Palast has posted on his site. That's the kind of esteem I have for you.

Anyway, I thought I'd like to drop a note and say great job! If only EVERY paper in the U.S. wrote as you did, our country would be a much better place to live in. The media has failed our country miserably. I'm beginning to see what Bill Hicks ws talking about when he said the government uses the media to keep

people stupid. It's interesting that the conspiracy theories of early 90's comics are beginning to prove true.

yours Graham

Dear Graham,

Those limeys at the Guardian ain't got nuthin' on us. Isn't it sad that a genius like Bill Hicks died so young, but a guy like Martin Mull insist on continuing to live? Seriously, when's the last time Martin Mull even made you crack a smile? We have a feeling Jimmy Fallon's got a long life ahead of him too.

Now buy a subscription, brown-nose.


BLACK AND BLEW

I sometimes find the best part of the Beast can be the letters from the disgruntled reader including myself at some point. Well, one letter got my attention. The joke about spousal abuse. What a tragic happening it is to get beat by the one you blow for groceries huh. Don't get me wrong I feel sorry for the children of these sick couples but do I feel sorry for the women especially in the day and age of enlightenment and girl power NO I. DONT.Once yeah okay he is an asshole move on but day after day I have to start thinking either the chick is a retard or likes the poor me role. Okay call me an insensitive bitch I've heard it all and I know a couple dumb women that get abused. They sure have no trouble complaining to their friends about it. I've offered to help a few bought clothes turned on utilities and gave out furnishings to what .. this dumb bitch calling me a week later saying he promised he'd never do it again mind you this is the hundredth beating she has taken at the hand of this jobless loser. that's right she works and he sits home hmm who has the power there. give me a break with that its not funny its insulting shit . What's insulting is expecting people to not think that there is a hint of liking for the lifestyle one chooses. this isn't pre OJ ladies there is no excuse to stay in a relationship that you find painful. And a quick reference to the guy wanting to tear off a head and beat it in front of the guys mom. Do you beat your wife you nutbag ? God you need help. keep going Beastie you annoy people I like it . BTW you fat doughnut eating fucks I'm hurt you think I'm a crazy chick with mental issues NOT.

-Cloiegirl

Dear Cloiegirl,

Clearly, you have no mental issues.


TOO CLOSE TO THE BONE

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election. Your so called cartoon of a soldiers his leg missing due to combat causing weight loss was highly offensive to me, and I'm sure it was offensive to other people as well. You're like children that scream out for attention by offending people and calling them names.

Very, very pissed off Ten year Navy veteran 1982- 1992

Kaisertown

Dear Pissed Off,

Maybe you should try giving us the silent treatment. Hey now, you wouldn't be hating us for our freedom, would you?


WHAT WOULD WOODWARD DO?

I am still in the throws of tears and laughter about both the NEW and BETTER selection of daemon Bush and reading Mr. Taibbi's assessment of mainstream media coverage of the campaign.

I'd like to know more about Bob Woodward. I do not understand why a person who had a movie made about him, didn't let it effect him, apparently, even though it was the hot "BOD" of the time, can become so---nothing. So was Bernstein the real journalist? Although I love every comment you made about the Novak person, I noticed an easing up on Tim Russert, our homegrown hero/journalist. I think he licked the red carpet Bush walked in on. Pardon me for blasting a local hero, but he is supposed to be one of the "finest" interviewers--whatever the hell that means--in the world of politics today. He got three answers to fifteen questions. No ifs ands or buts. 'I am firm in my resolve.' It is a hard job and it takes a lot of work.' And the news of the day, 'I have faith that God has made it clear, I mean, I know things in Iraq are going to take a lot of hard work... but I have faith ...you know, we are a great country...... blah, blah, blah.'

And you let Russert off the hook.

Mr. Bush has lost two-thirds of his Cabinet. The CIA has lost more knowledgeable people than you and I and half of Buffalo will ever meet. Porter Goss/sp? Has alienated the very people we need to protect our country from our own mistakes---and the Ukrainian people have more balls than the people of the United States of America. We have no goddam business trying to force people to be free, when our very presence is an insult to them. Like Ossama said, "If I hated freedom, I'd have bombed Sweden." Makes sense to me. Get your asses out of our turf, you oil sucking whores. I think the message was pretty clear and real. (Our enemy not only has a sense of humour, he appealed to the common sense of our people. You have to give the guy a one up for honesty. Something that becomes more and more elusive in our own land...... Nasty freakin' thought, isn't it?)

I like your work. Keep it righteous and true. True is all we have left. If that is forgotten, we might as well ESAD on our own terms.

Lyn

Dear Lyn,

Russert's not a writer. He simply doesn't qualify. Tell Zarqawi we said hi at the next meeting.

 



 

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Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


[sic]

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.


MEMRI Problems

Chris Riordan

Stranded from intellect and worthwhile rhetoric in Utica, NY for the last few months, I have made a habit of visiting political discussion boards online for a dose of informed bantering and arguing. I tend to gravitate towards conservative cyber communities because I generally prefer arguing to agreeing.


Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.


Redwoods Evil, Must be Destroyed

Kit Smith

Nature is a bad and inconvenient thing. It must be stopped. That's why so many of us environmental scientists voted for Bush. He recognizes that endangered species are tasty, that Yellowstone is the most awesome place for snowmobiling in the whole world, and that those horrible California Redwoods are home to Satan himself.


Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."


Love or 4-Hour Erections

Matt Taibbi

...If history is any guide, the DLC will spend the next four years trying to find a pious bomb-thrower to put up as the nominee- unless, of course, the poll numbers in a few years' time show that Barack Obama is good-looking, black and charming enough to get the party over the hump using the same basic playbook that worked so swimmingly this time.


10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.