Issue #65
Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)
Features:
Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi
Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman
Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville
Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi
Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts
Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys
Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts
Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005
Advice From John Ritter's Ghost
I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South
The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten
Movie Reviews:
I Witless News - I. Gonzalez
Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth
Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley
BEASTIVITIES
Issue #64
Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)
Features:
Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi
Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey
No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi
Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff
Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi
Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled
Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter
The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten
Entertainment:
Movie Reviews:
Music Reviews :
MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai
Sports:
Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe
I Witless News - I. Gonzalez
Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth
Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley
Issue #63
Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)
Features:
Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi
MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan
Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top
Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith
Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman
Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord
New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy
10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving
The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten
Entertainment:
Movie Reviews:
Music Reviews :
Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister
Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan
Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea
Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai
Sports:
Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe
Beast Comix - Ian Murphy
I Witless News - I. Gonzalez
Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth
Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley
© 2004 The Beast
Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts
Area 4th grader Todd Miller is predicting yet another Christmas of practical and boring gifts from both sides of the family. "Socks, it's always socks," cried Miller, "oh, or sweaters that make me look like such a dork. Only losers wear sweaters," added Miller. "My Aunt gave me a sweater last year with snowflakes on it; it was super lame. All the kids at school made fun of me."
Miller's mother Dottie claims, "Toddy is a growing boy and he needs new school clothes. Oh, and last year his Aunt, my sister Sally, got him the cutest sweater I have ever seen. I think she got it at Old Navy or that other store, you know, next to Pottery Barn. Anywho, it had snowflakes on it, oh, he looked so adorable in it. I can't seem to find it anywhere this Christmas, though. I can't see any reason why he wouldn't love another one."
Some, like the boy's father, Todd Sr. have called Miller "ungrateful." Mr. Miller adds, "that little shithead was born to be a pain in my ass. I'll still be paying for his dental work when he's going to college. He's lucky I haven't sold him to Michael Jackson."
The boy's mother has come to Miller's defense, however, stating, "Don't talk about your son like that! You're drunk aren't you? Always drunk. Maybe he is ungrateful that he has a drunk for a father. Have you ever thought of that, Mr. Drunk? Maybe this Christmas Toddy and I will go stay with my sister. Mother was right; I never should have married you."
Mr. Miller denied the allegations, saying he'd "only had a few" and claiming that Mrs. Miller was "a joyless cow."
Allan Uthman
....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?
Matt Taibbi
NO ONE NOTICED, of course, but last year, I did not file a column on Christmas week. This was not because I was too busy with a long schedule of holiday merry-making.
On the contrary: As editor Jeff Koyen can attest, I actually tried to write a column on Christmas last year. I spent three long days reading and rereading the old New York Sun's hideous "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" column, and tried to come up with a satisfying counter-argument. The opening was easy enough:
Hey everyone! Aren't my tits great? Truly they are a gift unto us from the Holy Father. I'm so hot for Jesus!
Please buy Nick's album. He could really use the help.
Michael Manville
On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."
Matt Taibbi
The Devito Code: A new and baffling sequel to the much-lauded Da Vinci Code, involving a murder mystery in Hollywood which leads to the pointlessly protracted revelation of a secret code interspersed throughout the body of work of actor/director Danny Devito.
Matt Taibbi
I've been trying to avoid the subject of Ukraine, not only in this column, but in general. Like anyone with strong ties to Russia, I have a whole range of feelings about Ukraine and Ukrainians, not all of them generous.
Chris Abbey
What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.
Matt Taibbi
THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.
It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.
Stan Goff
When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."
Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.
The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election
Matt Taibbi
10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.
Pat Ragpicker
It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.
Al Uthman
In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.
Christopher Lord
Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.
Al Uthman
It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."
10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans
Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.
Disinformation
Age 
Christmas
in Hell!
Celebrity
Holiday Greetings
Ridiculous
Gift Guide
Insane
in the Ukraine
Sleeping
With the Fishes
Happy
Bhopal to You
Drowning
the Scorpion
Pick
of the Litter
Too
Cool for School
Tortures-R-Us
O
Buffalo