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Issue #65

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Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley


BEASTIVITIES


Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #63

Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)

Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

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2004 The Beast

 

Advice... from John Ritter's Ghost


Dear John Ritter,

My fifteen year old son has begun dressing all in black and listening to Gothic Rock music. He won't come out of his room when he's home, and he never speaks to his family anymore. His father and I are worried sick, and think that he may be smoking drugs. What should we do?
Connie in Blasdell

Connie,
I once suffered from a horrific recurring dream, where I was being nailed to a cross by my former television landlord, Mr. Roper. He'd drive nails through my wrists, laughing maniacally all the while. When he was finished, he would yell, "Set 'er up girls!" And suddenly, Chrissy and Janet would appear below me clad only in leg warmers. They then hoisted me up on the crucifix, and I could see that I was in the parking lot of a Home Depot. Just then, I'd hear Mr. Roper's horrible laugh again, as he plunged an instrument that looked like a bicycle pump into my side. That's when I would wake up, terrified, beads of sweat pouring off of my face. Perhaps your son is suffering from this same nightmare.



Dear John Ritter,

I have a suspicion that my girlfriend of two years has been cheating on me. She's been acting different lately. She never wants to hang out, she stays out really late with her friends. She never seems happy to see me anymore. Should I confront her about this?
Sufjen in Depew

Sufjen,
When I first arrived in purgatory, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that there were Toblerone bars here!



Dear John Ritter,

The other day I was coming out of the bank and I found a wallet on the ground. Inside was over three hundred dollars in cash. I could really use the money this time of year, but I know I should turn the wallet in. What would you do?
Gary in Springville

Gary
I think you should turn the wallet in. Unless of course, it belongs to Mr. Ferley. I'm convinced that son of a bitch poisoned me with urinal cake shavings. Do you think healthy guys just drop dead like I did? Fuck no! That rat fuck wanted me out of the way so he could get my role on Ten Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter. If it's his wallet you should spend all the money and flush it down the goddamn toilet.


Dear John Ritter,

My Daughter's Goldfish died the other day while she was at school, and rather than use the opportunity to teach her a valuable lesson about life and death, I went out and bought her an identical one and she never even noticed. As a parent, did I do the right thing?
Berlinda in Niagara Falls

Berlinda,
Why you would want to teach your innocent daughter about the hellish tortures which await us all on the other side is a mystery to me. Do you have any idea what it's like to have your testicles crushed by a hammer wielding, unholy minion of purgatory? Should you tell your daughter that her goldfish is stewing someplace, in the quixotic shade of its own earthly guilt for all of eternity? Should she have to understand, at her tender age, that waiting to greet her friend on the other side is an imp with a pixie stick full of anthrax spores and an extension cord long enough to whip thirty people at a time? What is the matter with you?


Dear John Ritter,

Although I'm ashamed to admit it, I think I may have a gambling problem, and it's starting to affect the people I love. Over the last three months, I've gambled away over eight thousand dollars. I just can't help myself. I think my Parkinson's medicine may have something to do with this. What should I do?
Shorty D in Buffalo

Shorty D.,
I once hit a scratch off for forty bucks. It was the second best day of my life. The first best was when I was doing a fall-over-the-couch scene on Three's Company, and Suzanne Summers's tit went in my mouth.



Dear John Ritter,

I was doing some work in the yard the other day, and just by chance I glanced into my neighbor's yard, and was shocked to see three marijuana plants growing! I've never been in a situation like this before. Should I go the police, or just pretend I never saw it?
Cathy in Erie


Cathy,
If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut. Your neighbors could be dangerous people, and you never know what someone is capable of when they feel betrayed, or when their back is against the wall. When I was in second grade, another student turned me in to the lunch monitor because I snuck in some chocolate powder to put in my milk. I had never felt so betrayed. The very next day, I saw him in lunch again and marched right up to his table. I told him he was a bastard for what he did and then I cracked him on the head with a T-Square. Even as he fled, bleeding and howling down the hall, I pursued him, cracking him all the while, until he collapsed in a quivering, moaning heap outside the nurse's office.


If you have questions for John Ritter's Ghost,
Write to:

John Ritter, P.O. Box 1424646054842, Purgatory



 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


Christmas in Hell!

Matt Taibbi

NO ONE NOTICED, of course, but last year, I did not file a column on Christmas week. This was not because I was too busy with a long schedule of holiday merry-making.

On the contrary: As editor Jeff Koyen can attest, I actually tried to write a column on Christmas last year. I spent three long days reading and rereading the old New York Sun's hideous "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" column, and tried to come up with a satisfying counter-argument. The opening was easy enough:


Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Hey everyone! Aren't my tits great? Truly they are a gift unto us from the Holy Father. I'm so hot for Jesus!

Please buy Nick's album. He could really use the help.

 


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."


Ridiculous Gift Guide

Matt Taibbi

The Devito Code: A new and baffling sequel to the much-lauded Da Vinci Code, involving a murder mystery in Hollywood which leads to the pointlessly protracted revelation of a secret code interspersed throughout the body of work of actor/director Danny Devito.


Insane in the Ukraine

Matt Taibbi

I've been trying to avoid the subject of Ukraine, not only in this column, but in general. Like anyone with strong ties to Russia, I have a whole range of feelings about Ukraine and Ukrainians, not all of them generous.



Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


[sic]

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."



10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.