Home



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley


BEASTIVITIES


Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #63

Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)

Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

#64

#63

#62

#61

#60

#59

More



2004 The Beast

 

BEAST-O-SCOPES with Andrew Gullerstein


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Capricorn, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you want the "Justice League Watch Tower Play Set." That actually sounds like it might be kind of cool, but it should be noted that you are thirty-seven years old, Capricorn, and maybe it's time to ask for some new clothes. After all, that Spider-Man shirt you wear 4 days a week is beginning to look like a donation that the Good Will threw in the trash because it didn't meet their quality standards. It's time to re-evaluate your life, Capricorn, and take a long look at that dust-covered china cabinet filled with unopened action figures that will NEVER be worth more than clearance price. The time has come to invite a little change into your life, Capricorn, and please stop jerking off to that "Metroid" commercial.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Aquarius, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you were hoping your boyfriend would stop stealing money from your purse while you sleep, and spending it on whores. Well, all I can to you, Aquarius, is that maybe you should find a new guy. In fact, I'm sure there are plenty of guys who use their own money to pay whores and with all the money you would be saving you'd finally be able to buy that new living room set you've had your eye on. Merry X-Mas, Aquarius, give some thought to what I've said and have some pity, she's only trying to pay her way through med school.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Pisces, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are wishing for a new job that doesn't make you depressed on a day-to-day basis. Well, the problem with that, Pisces, is that unless your job involves masturbation and "Law and Order" marathons, I'm afraid you will never be happy. I know going to work everyday sucks and your boss has the personality of driftwood, but it sure beats the alternative of asking mom and dad for the rent and trying to coax the utility companies out of shutting off your service. You have to admit it's kind of nice not having to hide behind the answering machine anymore. Look Pisces, work sucks and that's just how it is. Do you think those poor underpaid bastards who built the Hoover Dam woke up every morning thinking, "What a great day to risk my life; if I'm lucky I won't fall 750 feet to my death?" I'm pretty sure they were just thinking that a paycheck is better than waiting in a very long line for shitty soup. So Merry X-Mas, and don't forget to set the alarm clock.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Aries, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are desperately wishing for the complete John Tesh music collection. Well all I can say to you Aries is that you are just as fucking lame as Scorpio. In fact, I think the two of you should throw a huge New Year's Eve party so you can both act surprised together when nobody shows. If it was within my power, John Tesh would be chained his piano, covered in fish blood and dumped into a tank of bull sharks. Let him ask where his God is then. Oh well, Aries, I can dream can't I? Anyhow, maybe you should write a letter to John Tesh telling how you feel about him. You'll get a form letter in response of course, because John Tesh doesn't give a shit about you Aries…Not a even a single turd.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Taurus and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well, the stars have indicated to me that you want to get through the entire holiday season this year without a trip to the emergency room to have a large gourd removed from your ass. Well all I can say to you, Taurus, is STOP STICKING LARGE GOURDS UP YOUR ASS! It's really just that simple, and you don't have to come up with one of those ridiculous excuses for the emergency room staff. Trust me, Taurus; you can have a perfectly good holiday season without trying to turn your colon into the Horn of Plenty.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Gemini, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you want a big rock of crack. That's right, you just want to sit on the floor of a dirty, shit smelling crackhouse and smoke your self into a fucking coma. Well, good luck with that dream, and when you think about it, it's really the best way to forget how much pain and damage you've caused your friends and family over the years, at least until your money runs out. Well, Gemini, you do what you gotta do to feel good, it's all you really ever gave a shit about anyway.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Cancer and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well, the stars have indicated to me that all you want is a really good blowjob. Well that is as noble a request as I have ever heard, and the stars are working overtime to make your beautiful dream come true. However, if you're not picky, you may want to make a run at Scorpio and/or Aries, because those clowns are just dying to bust out.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Leo, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you just want those pesky child molestation charges to go away. Well, you should have thought of that before molesting all those kids. Hell, we gave you the first one and you just had to double up. You can get up on your glittering podium and give all the excuses you want but it looks like you might not be able to buy your way out of this one. Happy Holidays Leo…asshole.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Virgo and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are in need of a new girlfriend as you last one just dumped you for stealing money from her and spending it on whores. Well Virgo, I'm sure there is a special lady out there for you. Why not try one of those high-tech dating services with the 29-point personality profile bullshit and you just might be able to be half of a really annoying couple. Just be sure you mention your love of whores in the "likes" section of the form.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Libra, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are wishing for peace on earth and good will towards men. C'mon Libra, give me something I can work with! Maybe you can wish for some dishware or a kitten or something within the realm of possibility? Do you even watch the news, man? Do you know who our President is? What the fuck are you thinking? If I had it within my power to bring peace on earth, we would all be sitting home everyday masturbating and watching a "Law and Order" marathon. Jesus, Libra, why don't you just wish for a Unicorn?


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Scorpio, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are hoping to receive the complete Michael Bolton music library, and I have to say that you, Scorpio, are a complete fucking loser. The Michael Bolton collection? Maybe you should add Kenny G. to your wish list and complete your transformation into the lamest man alive. Do you know what your girlfriend was thinking when you asked for Michael Bolton? She was thinking, "I have to start fucking someone else." Well, Merry X-Mas Scorpio, I hope all your dreams come true. Especially that one about being trapped in the olive oil production facility with Mr. Bolton.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Sagittarius, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well, the stars have indicated to me that you are hoping to receive an autographed photo of the entire "Offbeat Cinema" cast. Well I don't think that should be much of a problem, Sagittarius, in fact I'm sure with a quick phone call that sad, bloated trifecta of talentlessness would be willing to serve drinks at your Christmas party if you simply agree to pay a little attention to them. Only a complete fucking idiot would watch "Offbeat Cinema," Sagittarius, let alone enjoy it. Then again, you did donate money to the 700 Club.



 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


Christmas in Hell!

Matt Taibbi

NO ONE NOTICED, of course, but last year, I did not file a column on Christmas week. This was not because I was too busy with a long schedule of holiday merry-making.

On the contrary: As editor Jeff Koyen can attest, I actually tried to write a column on Christmas last year. I spent three long days reading and rereading the old New York Sun's hideous "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" column, and tried to come up with a satisfying counter-argument. The opening was easy enough:


Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Hey everyone! Aren't my tits great? Truly they are a gift unto us from the Holy Father. I'm so hot for Jesus!

Please buy Nick's album. He could really use the help.

 


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."


Ridiculous Gift Guide

Matt Taibbi

The Devito Code: A new and baffling sequel to the much-lauded Da Vinci Code, involving a murder mystery in Hollywood which leads to the pointlessly protracted revelation of a secret code interspersed throughout the body of work of actor/director Danny Devito.


Insane in the Ukraine

Matt Taibbi

I've been trying to avoid the subject of Ukraine, not only in this column, but in general. Like anyone with strong ties to Russia, I have a whole range of feelings about Ukraine and Ukrainians, not all of them generous.



Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


[sic]

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."



10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.