The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

BEAST-O-SCOPES with Andrew Gullerstein

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Capricorn, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you want the "Justice League Watch Tower Play Set." That actually sounds like it might be kind of cool, but it should be noted that you are thirty-seven years old, Capricorn, and maybe it's time to ask for some new clothes. After all, that Spider-Man shirt you wear 4 days a week is beginning to look like a donation that the Good Will threw in the trash because it didn't meet their quality standards. It's time to re-evaluate your life, Capricorn, and take a long look at that dust-covered china cabinet filled with unopened action figures that will NEVER be worth more than clearance price. The time has come to invite a little change into your life, Capricorn, and please stop jerking off to that "Metroid" commercial.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Aquarius, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you were hoping your boyfriend would stop stealing money from your purse while you sleep, and spending it on whores. Well, all I can to you, Aquarius, is that maybe you should find a new guy. In fact, I'm sure there are plenty of guys who use their own money to pay whores and with all the money you would be saving you'd finally be able to buy that new living room set you've had your eye on. Merry X-Mas, Aquarius, give some thought to what I've said and have some pity, she's only trying to pay her way through med school.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Pisces, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are wishing for a new job that doesn't make you depressed on a day-to-day basis. Well, the problem with that, Pisces, is that unless your job involves masturbation and "Law and Order" marathons, I'm afraid you will never be happy. I know going to work everyday sucks and your boss has the personality of driftwood, but it sure beats the alternative of asking mom and dad for the rent and trying to coax the utility companies out of shutting off your service. You have to admit it's kind of nice not having to hide behind the answering machine anymore. Look Pisces, work sucks and that's just how it is. Do you think those poor underpaid bastards who built the Hoover Dam woke up every morning thinking, "What a great day to risk my life; if I'm lucky I won't fall 750 feet to my death?" I'm pretty sure they were just thinking that a paycheck is better than waiting in a very long line for shitty soup. So Merry X-Mas, and don't forget to set the alarm clock.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Aries, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are desperately wishing for the complete John Tesh music collection. Well all I can say to you Aries is that you are just as fucking lame as Scorpio. In fact, I think the two of you should throw a huge New Year's Eve party so you can both act surprised together when nobody shows. If it was within my power, John Tesh would be chained his piano, covered in fish blood and dumped into a tank of bull sharks. Let him ask where his God is then. Oh well, Aries, I can dream can't I? Anyhow, maybe you should write a letter to John Tesh telling how you feel about him. You'll get a form letter in response of course, because John Tesh doesn't give a shit about you Aries…Not a even a single turd.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Taurus and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well, the stars have indicated to me that you want to get through the entire holiday season this year without a trip to the emergency room to have a large gourd removed from your ass. Well all I can say to you, Taurus, is STOP STICKING LARGE GOURDS UP YOUR ASS! It's really just that simple, and you don't have to come up with one of those ridiculous excuses for the emergency room staff. Trust me, Taurus; you can have a perfectly good holiday season without trying to turn your colon into the Horn of Plenty.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Gemini, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you want a big rock of crack. That's right, you just want to sit on the floor of a dirty, shit smelling crackhouse and smoke your self into a fucking coma. Well, good luck with that dream, and when you think about it, it's really the best way to forget how much pain and damage you've caused your friends and family over the years, at least until your money runs out. Well, Gemini, you do what you gotta do to feel good, it's all you really ever gave a shit about anyway.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Cancer and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well, the stars have indicated to me that all you want is a really good blowjob. Well that is as noble a request as I have ever heard, and the stars are working overtime to make your beautiful dream come true. However, if you're not picky, you may want to make a run at Scorpio and/or Aries, because those clowns are just dying to bust out.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Leo, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you just want those pesky child molestation charges to go away. Well, you should have thought of that before molesting all those kids. Hell, we gave you the first one and you just had to double up. You can get up on your glittering podium and give all the excuses you want but it looks like you might not be able to buy your way out of this one. Happy Holidays Leo…asshole.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Virgo and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are in need of a new girlfriend as you last one just dumped you for stealing money from her and spending it on whores. Well Virgo, I'm sure there is a special lady out there for you. Why not try one of those high-tech dating services with the 29-point personality profile bullshit and you just might be able to be half of a really annoying couple. Just be sure you mention your love of whores in the "likes" section of the form.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Libra, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are wishing for peace on earth and good will towards men. C'mon Libra, give me something I can work with! Maybe you can wish for some dishware or a kitten or something within the realm of possibility? Do you even watch the news, man? Do you know who our President is? What the fuck are you thinking? If I had it within my power to bring peace on earth, we would all be sitting home everyday masturbating and watching a "Law and Order" marathon. Jesus, Libra, why don't you just wish for a Unicorn?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Scorpio, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well the stars have indicated to me that you are hoping to receive the complete Michael Bolton music library, and I have to say that you, Scorpio, are a complete fucking loser. The Michael Bolton collection? Maybe you should add Kenny G. to your wish list and complete your transformation into the lamest man alive. Do you know what your girlfriend was thinking when you asked for Michael Bolton? She was thinking, "I have to start fucking someone else." Well, Merry X-Mas Scorpio, I hope all your dreams come true. Especially that one about being trapped in the olive oil production facility with Mr. Bolton.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Ho, Ho, Ho, Sagittarius, and Merry X-Mas! What is it that you want this joyous holiday season? Well, the stars have indicated to me that you are hoping to receive an autographed photo of the entire "Offbeat Cinema" cast. Well I don't think that should be much of a problem, Sagittarius, in fact I'm sure with a quick phone call that sad, bloated trifecta of talentlessness would be willing to serve drinks at your Christmas party if you simply agree to pay a little attention to them. Only a complete fucking idiot would watch "Offbeat Cinema," Sagittarius, let alone enjoy it. Then again, you did donate money to the 700 Club.