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Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley


BEASTIVITIES


Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #63

Download Entire issue (18mb PDF)

Features:

Top Ten Hacks of 2004 Election - Matt Taibbi

MEMRI Problems: Was Kerry's Election Bid Lost in Translation?- Chris Riordan

Pick of the Litter: Bottom-Feeding all the Way to the Top

Redwoods Evil, Must Be Destroyed: Bush Wants Some Wood- Kit Smith

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship - Al Uthman

Tortures - R - Us - Christopher Lord


Faux-tures:

New Hotel on Baltic Ave: Boon or Burden? - Ian Murphy

10 Tips For Coping with your Dysfunctional Family this Thanksgiving

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Matchbook Romance/Midtown Show - Chris Meister

Goo Goo Dolls DVD - Seamus Gallivan

Elliot Smith CD- Michael Gildea

Odd Couple CD - Ketchup Samurai

BEASTIVITIES

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills could Make Playoffs--in the NFC - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Beast Comix - Ian Murphy

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

#64

#63

#62

#61

#60

#59

More



© 2004 The Beast

 

WHO, US?

evil! evil you  guys are!! but  not as  bad as, say  giambra or some other politicians in this world.  Say, i laughed  at giambras winning the  "mussolini"  award!!  youre  hilarious!!!!

 

don  w.

Dear Don,

We know.


COUP DU JOUR

Who other than me has noticed the rightwing coup in Erie County?  In plain sight?  Disguised only by ususal Republican incompetence?

A former comptroller, even of a messed up city like Buffalo, *should* be able to keep track of accounts, should be able to sound a warning in time.

   What Joel Giambra did was deny problems long enough to create a crisis.  By emphasizing shuting down libraries over cuts in sheriff's patrols and volunter firefighter support, he was able to create dissension between people who like books and those who don't.

   Note lack of party discipline--Republican county legislator's couldn't help their county executive.  They stayed with their usual shuffling in circles, pooping their pants and pointing at Albany.  Albany, controlled by another group of Republicans shuffling in circles, pooping their pants and pointing their fingers at whomever.

   Note end results of this crisis and confusion:  Property taxes stay down, sales tax goes up.  This is regressive, favors upper incomes over lower incomes.  Libraries get cut, not closed.  Too many dedicated civil servants go out the door, too many patronage hacks remain.  We now have our Erie County budget--a 1,000 page mess that no one is sure what it contains.  Note how county comptroller, nearly congresswoman, Nancy Naples, manages to cast doubt on legality of this budget to keep tension and confusion going.  Right wing coup, disguised as normal Republicanism.

       --Dave

Dear Dave,

That is normal Republicanism.


 

10 LITTLE, 9 LITTLE, 8 LITTLE INDIANS

I was at Sal's last night, and while waiting for my order, I saw a copy of the Beast, specifically the article on the events of the night of December 3rd 1984.

I was there in Bhopal that night. I was only 2 years old though, but I do have vivid memories of that night.

I remember my eyes burning, I remember being scooped up by my family and seeing people run on the streets. I remember the sounds. People screaming, crying. Adults, children, babies, myself. Panic and confusion were the other 2 killers that night besides MIC. It's sad to know that the Bhopal tragedy has all been forgotten by the world. It unfair that the people responsible for it got nothing more than a slap on the wrist. Thousands died that night, now no one really cares.

Thank you for that article. Although it brought back sad memories, it's heartening to know that someone does care and that someone else too feels that what happened after the accident was as bad, if not worse than the accident itself. Keep up the good work.

  Anis Abdulla

Dear Anis,

Seriously, your name is Anis?


 

PSYCH(ot)IC

Dear Beast –

Dr. Phil has recently announced he does not believe in psychics even though he can’t prove they don’t exist. I fear that his far-reaching viewership is chomping-at-the-bit for their next mystery of life to be solved, and I bet Miss Chloe will finally get that bathroom break. I am hoping that Beast O’Scopes can provide some insight into the possible ramifications for such an announcement so that we psychic-believers can prepare ourselves for the inevitable “spirituality vs. religion” conversations we love to hate.

Scorpio Sintia

Dear Scorpio,

We have a prediction for you: when you wake up tomorrow, you will be stupid.


LIKE A ROCK STAR WITHOUT THE SUCCESS

i fucking love your saucy ass.....

 

      listen up Dean..... if i had it my way, we would have already shot the "movie of the century", cashed in the soul-sucking royalties, bought a mansion in the cushy suburbs of some pretentious city & sold our fucking dreams out to Walmart so we could fade into obscurity & spend the rest of our lives drinking topline Gin & yelling at kids who come anywhere near our front lawn.....

     fuck you asshole,

     i'm drunk......

     & reading the dictionary,

     in front of my amplifier, which is presently donned with blue icicle lights in celebration of the true meaning of the holiday season,,,,,,,,,

 

    God i love everyone.........

----sparky

Dear Sparky,

If only the feeling was mutual.


 

FROCK YOU

To the Editors of “The Beast”

As a parent of a City Honors Student and a minister who was at the scene during the Columbine High School Shootings, I must say that there are times when we can't say whatever we please. Threats and lies are not free speech, and racist and homophobic intimidation do not belong in our schools. The “Too Cool for School” editorial (Nov. 24, 2004) betrays freedom of speech by excusing lies and threats and betrays our children by excusing racial, sexual, and religious intimidation.

I have a copy of the underground newspaper, “The Liberator.” I find it mostly overwrought and sophomoric editorials. But the boys who created “The Liberator” harmed many people. First. They included in their editorials direct threats of physical violence toward specific students and places. The threats were not made with even a veneer of satiric or fictionalized context. As a parent, I expect my child's school will protect its students and community and prohibit such threats.

Threats of physical violence require action by any school administrator. In the editorial '''Too Cool for School," the editors quickly waved aside the Columbine High School shootings as an unreasonable "specter" because they read "The Liberator" as engaging in merely offensive language. Threats of violence are not mere words of offensive humor. They are meant to intimidate and they also reveal something about intent. The tragic shootings at Columbine High School and many other schools were preceded by threats of violence very like the threats that appeared in "The Liberator." Five years ago, such threats were once waved aside as the pranks of children. Today all responsible administrators must hold students accountable when they threaten violence.

Secondly, the boys who published "The Liberator" printed outright lies about the school staff as statements of fact. Since when is such immoral behavior a right under the First Amendment? To add insult to injury, the school staff cannot - by law - even defend themselves, since the privacy of the student completely trumps any right of school staff these days even their physical safety. The Beast glosses-over libel. Shameful.

Lastly, "The Liberator" includes racist, bigoted, and homophobic statements. This is a quote from "The Liberator": "Jews and Muslims are lazy and liars." Yes, the First Amendment protects such offensive language. But as the editors of "The Beast" point out, not in schools. School administrations are charged to help our children learn, including learning to cherish the power in the First Amendment. But it is misuse of our freedom to make racist, religiously bigoted, and homophobic statements and then, when the victims express indignation and hurt, trivialize that harassment as the victim overreacting. If my children engaged in such verbal bullying, I would require them to make a public apology. That these boys have no remorse and no parental expectation of apology suggests to me they have inadequate adult care at home.

The Buffalo Public Schools had to hold those boys accountable for the threats they made, the libel they published, and the gratuitous bigotry they spread through the school. "The Beast” charges the school with censorship even though the school is defenseless through laws requiring silence about student disciplinary actions. So I speak in defense as a parent and a community leader: I am grateful to City Honors School and its principle, Dr. Battaglia, for making such difficult decisions and for providing a safe and civil learning environment for my children.

Sincerely,

Rev. Joel Miller

Dear Rev,

Your letter is too long. We don’t find you an adequate judge of satirical veneers. The “Lazy Liars” quote is detestably out of context, and you know it. That column was a rant about how a Jew and a Arab, each of whom had promised a column to the editors, had stiffed them. The line you quoted, with the manipulative flair of a political strategist, was clearly a joke, about the fallacious nature of stereotypes and how they are formed. It is almost immediately followed with a line about how all humans are lazy liars. To be fair, we’re not sure that you’re lazy.


THE LENNY BRUCE OF SCHOOL PAPERS

Al Uthman-

There was another underground paper at City Honors in the early 1990's called Slayer. It was also the subject of an administrative crack down, but not

nearly as severe as this one.

At the time the editors of Slayer--if I can recall correctly from my high school days were my fellow class of 1994 members Lukas Hauser, Keegan Walden and Tiernan Mennan. School officials told them that they would have to distribute Slayer off school grounds.

Slayer had violence themed stories as well as satire of teachers and students. But I guess in was seen more as creative expression and part of the "City Honors experience" in the pre-Columbine days.

Even though I have moved away I really like The BEAST, but am sad that my alma mater has gotten so up tight.

Best regards,

Marissa Vitagliano

Dear Marissa,

Columbine, Columbine, Columbine—so a couple of freaks commit a terrible act of violence, and now freedom of expression must be forever curtailed, because it could maybe sometime happen again? Sounds like faulty, pants-wetting logic to us—also a lot like 9/11. Believe us, we were horribly persecuted in grade school, and it helped to make us the…never mind. So, you graduated in the ‘90s, huh? What are you doing Friday night?


DICK WITH CHICK

WARNING:

This publication contains “Truth!” It will not only inform you, but it may also save your life. Hell is for real and you don’t want to go there!

Whether you are planning on burning in Hell or not, you are strongly advised to read this: “THE BEAST”

Dear crazy nut,

Thank you so much for the hilarious copy of “The Beast,” another great religious comic from the venerable Chick Publications. We all read it together, and we thoroughly enjoyed it. Our favorite part was the montage entitled “Life as it is today”—especially the nightclub scene where the man says “I have the power…Lucifer is lord!” and the woman next to him says “Yes, and we are bringing peace with a one world government—a New Age.” Really top-rate stuff. Our editor laughed so hard at the “Lucifer is lord” part that he farted a little. Thanks for the laughs, you worthless cretin.


MOST LIKELY TO SHOOT OWN FACE OFF
 
Dear Beast,

Oh, I know my letter in #60 wasn’t all that well-thought out. Here’s why I made that suggestion-

It’s because of the attitude you have about what is printed in The Beast. It’s like a metalhead’s attitude – like saying “Fuck you” to society. You say “Fuck you” to Buffalo/the  world’s political situation!

Yes, it sucks here. I’ll agree w/you – I know why Cannibal Corpse/Malevolent Creation/even Benton of Deicide left – “It stinks. It’s just too cold” – said Phil Fasciana of M.C.

Now all 3 of them are in Florida! But, if I move, I’d go to Phoenix, AZ! I hear half of Buffalo is living there now. I’ve never been there!

Now for some commentary-

Your paper rocks! It kicks ass! It says “Fuck Giambra, that goddamn crook”! (I hate him, too)! Let’s face it – How can you tell when a politician’s lying – When their lips move! That’s when!

Paul N Jr.

 

Dear Paul,

We also say “Fuck you” to Paul N Jr.! Seriously, Paul, thanks for writing such a well thought out letter.



 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


Christmas in Hell!

Matt Taibbi

NO ONE NOTICED, of course, but last year, I did not file a column on Christmas week. This was not because I was too busy with a long schedule of holiday merry-making.

On the contrary: As editor Jeff Koyen can attest, I actually tried to write a column on Christmas last year. I spent three long days reading and rereading the old New York Sun's hideous "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" column, and tried to come up with a satisfying counter-argument. The opening was easy enough:


Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Hey everyone! Aren't my tits great? Truly they are a gift unto us from the Holy Father. I'm so hot for Jesus!

Please buy Nick's album. He could really use the help.

 


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."


Ridiculous Gift Guide

Matt Taibbi

The Devito Code: A new and baffling sequel to the much-lauded Da Vinci Code, involving a murder mystery in Hollywood which leads to the pointlessly protracted revelation of a secret code interspersed throughout the body of work of actor/director Danny Devito.


Insane in the Ukraine

Matt Taibbi

I've been trying to avoid the subject of Ukraine, not only in this column, but in general. Like anyone with strong ties to Russia, I have a whole range of feelings about Ukraine and Ukrainians, not all of them generous.



Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


[sic]

Seeing your last rag/magazine complaining about the last Presidential elections made me laugh. You commies have nothing better to do but insult our President, our country and our troops. You all should go back and help your fellows brothers in the Ukraine, where there really was a corrupted and stolen election.


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."



10 Ultra-cynical Ways to Beat the Republicans

Why did the Democrats lose? At least in part, it's because they thought that being right would actually work in their favor. Let's face it, logic doesn't mean squat in politics. People say there's too much cynicism in politics today, but we think there really isn't enough. Cynicism works. The Republican Party has embraced it, and it has worked wonders for them. The Democrats have made some progress in this area, but they are still lagging badly. If there's any hope for the blue states, they must learn the lessons of Machiavelli and Rove. To help them along, the BEAST offers these suggestions.