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Issue #66

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Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







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Archives--Old BEASTs

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2004 The Beast

Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn my friend, what was your New Year's resolution? Unless the cosmic ether is mistaken, you resolved to stop masturbating at work. Might I add that this is a good choice as there are some activities that should really be reserved for the home, or a dimly lit alley. I mean you could probably continue to spank the monkey at the office if you could confine it to the bathroom stall, but you simply can't help but explore new and more dangerous environments. It was one thing to close your office door, but the lunch room is just wrong. Let's not even get into the coatroom. Take my advice and stick to this year's resolution, Capricorn; confine your self-explorations the home. Also, I know this may be a bit late, but there is a hidden camera in the conference room.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Hey there, Aquarius! I hear that your New Year's resolution is to stop beating your wife so much. Let me give you an idea, how about you stop beating her altogether, you fucking asshole! How about this, the next time you want to beat your wife, you instead go out to the garage, shut the door and let the car run for a while. I recommend that option because it saves me the time of coming over to your house and bashing you in the head fifteen or sixteen times with your high school football trophy. You know, the one you keep on the mantel in the den, as if anyone gives a shit about your minor athletic achievements? You are a piece of shit, Aquarius, do us all a favor and resolve to eliminate yourself from the gene pool.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Well Pisces, I hear your New Year's resolution is to come out of the closet? Well, I have a little secret to tell you, though you may not realize it, you've technically been out of the closet for about seven years. I believe your Mom figured it out when she found that "well-used" collection of Victoria Secret for Men catalogs in the attic. Your Dad figured it out when you started dating only lonely fat girls, and your brother figured it out when he saw you blowing your friend Todd behind the dumpster after gym class. So all I can say to you, Pisces, is maybe you should pick a new resolution. Perhaps something along the lines of resolve to stop saying "Look at the ass on her!" when driving with your Dad…He hates that.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, it is my understanding that your New Year's resolution is to stop having sex with your students. I think this is a good idea, especially considering that you are a Special Education teacher. What the fuck is wrong with you, Aries? Did your Mother's lack of affection screw you up that much or are you simply naturally inclined towards the 'tard sex? Either way you need to stop it now! Believe me Aries, sooner than later one of those parents is going to figure out what those finger paintings on the fridge are really depicting, because you know as well as I that it isn't a chicken.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, you resolved to stop selling pot, get a regular job and become a honest taxpayer. What in the name of Jehovah are you thinking? Take it from me, a regular job sucks ass almost as much as paying taxes. Think of the effect your decision will have on all your loyal customers. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get an honestly weighed eighth these days? A New Year's resolution should be one of self-betterment and beneficial to the common good. You have a well-paying job, Taurus; if you want to pay taxes go to the store and buy some Doritos. By the way, will you be around this weekend? I need to stop by.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, your New Year's resolution is to cleanse your body and mind and become a virgin once again. Honey, I think that week you spent on the "Masters of Metal" tour eliminated any chance of you had of reclaiming your virginity. In fact, I think your labia fell off somewhere in Illinois. So just drop the new age bullshit, Gemini, and let the past be the past. Stop listening to that pompous geek at the health food store. By the way, my friends and I are starting a band; want to come over and hear us practice?


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, I believe that your New Year's resolution is to stop procrastinating and finish your novel. Well, please just finish the fucking thing and stop droning on about it to the rest of us. The stupid thing is already twelve hundred pages long and you haven't even introduced all the characters yet. Personally, I can't wait for you to finish it so the Stars and I can watch you slowly descend into a bitter depression as the rejection letters pile up. Yeah, maybe I'm a sick asshole, Cancer, but at least I know when to end a paragraph.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, so your New Year's resolution was to stop having sex with your students. Well I think that's a good idea, considering that you're an obedience trainer at a "dog college." What the hell is wrong with you Leo? What are you going to do when your friends figure out what you're talking about when you tell them about the hot German bitch you had the night before? Please Leo, do us all a favor and lock yourself in a car with the windows up on a really hot day.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, I have been told that your New Year's resolution is to stop saying "Yell-O" when you answer the phone. After that maybe you can stop yelling "BAM" every time you put some ketchup on food. Then possibly you can stop being such a retard. Baby steps Virgo, baby steps.

 


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, I understand that your New Year's resolution is to stop being so politically apathetic and vote the next time around. Maybe I'll resolve to try to make my point peacefully after I bury the business end of a claw hammers into your forehead. Libra, I am so fucking tired of you and your ilk. To me you are just as pathetic as a member of the working poor that votes Republican. If I had it my way, you'd all be placed on a big boat, sailed out to the middle of the Pacific before the cargo hold doors opened, releasing hundreds of rabid evangelical preachers with various incendiary devices strapped to their chests. Fuck you, Libra.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, it is my understanding that your New Year's resolution is to stop simply hating Jeff Probst and finally getting around to killing him. Fill out that application for "Survivor," and jump through all the little reality show hoops to get on that island. It might be humiliating at first, but believe me it will be totally worth it when you beat him to death on national television with the crude club you've fashioned from rock and bamboo. If you plan it right, you can say "the tribe has spoken" while covered in his blood just before the "technical difficulties" screen comes up. Scorpio, the cosmos is proud, for this year you have resolved to fulfill your destiny.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

My dear Sagittarius, I believe your New Year's resolution is to stop dressing up like Hitler and eating kosher foods. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean there are a few things I can say, but that's just plain nuts. Where did you get that uniform, anyway? I doubt it's part of the Martha Stewart collection from K-Mart. You need to stop it before someone puts you away. Just remember last week when you got all the way to work before realizing you still has the mustache on. Please Sagittarius, get some help before you have another incident with the paperboy.


 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.


[sic] - letters

TONGUE LASHING

Dear Vile & Dangerous Misogynists,

As a member of the Buffalo chapter of the Feminine Liberation Organization (no connection whatsoever to FelLatiO), I must tell you that I take great offense at your sophomoronic attempts at mocking the divine act of beaver licking. So what if our future Secretary of State engages in a periodic tongue lashing? Does it frighten your xenophobic male staff that a woman can satisfy a woman?


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


DLC Moose Shit

Matt Taibbi

...Marshall Wittmann, the former legislative director for the Christian Coalition and also a veteran talking head of such excellent organizations as the Heritage Foundation and the Hudson Institute (which hypes him as "one of the nation's most quoted analysts"), offers himself as a candidate for the chair of the Democratic Party. Wittmann, you see, is now an operative at the Democratic Leadership Council—he got the policy operative spot that opened up when Al From and Bruce Reed were tipped off that their initial choice, Mobutu Sese Seko, had been dead for years...


Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Hey everyone! Aren't my tits great? Truly they are a gift unto us from the Holy Father. I'm so hot for Jesus!

Please buy Nick's album. He could really use the help.

 


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."



Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."