Home





Issue #66

Download Entire issue (3.6mb PDF)

 

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

#65

#64

#63

#62

#61

#60

More



2004 The Beast


HE WAS SO CLOSE TO RETIREMENT

Dear Beast staff, I am writing in regards to your article about crooked cops that was in the 12/22/04 issue. Now as being a weekly fan of your paper I have to let you know that this article was downright wrong. It's a very sad day in law enforcement when a police officer is put in jail because of drug dealers,drug users and a crooked cop who should have been kicked off the force years ago saying that their rights were violated. Let's start off by knowing that a drug dealer who is in prison now for 6 years to life and has been dealing and using drugs since he was 17 sat on that stand and said that he was promised by the FBI that if he testified against Detective Paul Skinner they(FBI)would have him released in 18 months,the sad part of this is,after Mr. no paying taxes,no paying child support his whole life told this ridiculous story of being an innocent drug dealer who during a search warrant of his house had a large amount of drugs and cash taken somehow never mentioned Paul Skinner's name in the grand jury or ever picked him out from a photo array,why is that you say,BECAUSE PAUL WAS NOT WORKING,he was on vacation. Now all of a sudden this poor innocent drug dealer will be out back on the streets doing what he has his whole life while a cop with 19 years and 11 months(with 1 month to go before retirement)(what a coincidence) on the job sits in jail because of lies. Next,let's go to Mr. Gil,Rene while on the stand for 4 hours Rene himself admitted several times to stealing large amounts of money,drugs and framing defendants. Never once did he say that he handed any money to Paul Skinner,he said Paul was arrogant,they didn't get along and avoided each other all the time,,Paul dispised Rene because Rene was such a 88 fingers person(theif),he even stole a envelope Paul had in his desk with flower fund money that was to be used for an officer's parents funeral. Now Rene did not get charged with ANY of those crimes,he was arrested by the FBI for conducting drug deals and transports while he was still a police officer. Rene is now working out a deal that would have sent him to jail for many years instead he will be basking in the sun in his $145,000 house that he just supposedly bought(he has no job) down in Florida and Paul Skinner sits in a cell shaking his head because of this nightmare turned reality. As I have already mentioned,I have been a big fan of your paper and as a favor to me,it would be nice to print the truth about this matter,so thank you for your time in this matter and to all have a great new year!!

Sincerely
Christine Skinner

Dear Christine,
Damn, Buffalo News be feeding us some bogus booshit once again now. That "one month to go before retirement" thing is such a cliche it can only be true.


REST FOR THE WICKED

why isnt the new addition of the Beast out yet? I keep looking in the red box on Union Rd. at the Tim Hortons across from George Urban. You still put them there right?
Becky

Dear Becky,
Hey, we took a week off, all right? We appreciate the love, but we've gotten too many e-mails about this. What, you think we don't celebrate the holidays just because we're godless atheists?



BLOODY BROADCASTING CORP

Dateline: Indonesia, Ashe Province, December 29, 2004

Giant Tsunami. 50,000 dead and counting. Bodies piled on the shore rotting. Sewage systems overflowing. The stench of tragedy and destruction permeating my nostrils as I write. To this reporter it seems like 18 Osama Bin Ladens put together couldn't dream up such a nightmare. Today a man peeled his dead daughter off of a chain link fence but none of the makeshift morgues set up on beaches all across the Indian Ocean would take her. So he left her there to go find his other daughter who washed up a kilometer away.

I was saving that story for the BBC but I just couldn't help myself. I know I'll find other stories, possibly even worse ones. Stories that make grown men puke up their breakfast. This is tragedy like we have never known. True tragedy, not the kind Presidents like to turn into photo ops - it's too disgusting around here. This is cruel callous tragedy like God is dead and then come back from the dead to fuck with us tragedy.

Yes, there will be more sick stories for me to report but for now I don't see why we have to dwell on the negative TRAGIC side of the tsunamui. For now I want to look at the lighter side of earthquakes and tidal waves to tell the feel good stories behind the headlines that you won't hear anywhere else. It's time for human interest stories from the Disaster.

While investigating the terrible story of a man whose wife suffocated in an overturned ship I stumbled upon this little gem: It seems a young boy of about ten years old who attends a local Catholic school had a book report on Moby Dick due on Monday. It was to be a group book report and while he had read the text and was prepared to give his part of the report, his classmate had died in the tsunami and her body was never found! Argh! Looks like junior gets a free pass, matey.

Another local businessman had been evading taxes for years. His connection inside city government could not protect him anymore and boy was he going to have a giant tidal wave of debt. Not anymore thanks to a giant tidal wave of luck. Now this local businessman has no debt, no taxes, no city government, no city, and no business, and (get this) no life! He's dead. I guess that's a good way to cut down on expenses.

And there are so many more stories like this to be told out here. This disaster is so rich in human interest stories that almost any investigative reporter exiled in Indonesia four years ago by the BBC could make his name telling them so he could land a better gig back home in England and stop languishing in this backwater hole!

But beyond that I think there is a greater lesson (here's where the really good reporting starts), surely the lesson to be learned is that we are all merely human, subject to the gigantic tectonic shifts of the world and although to some this means misery, death, and loss still to others it means misery, death, and gain. After all the wily ways of Fortune are not ours to control, they are ours to ponder as we carry the rotting bodies of loved ones out of our houses and throw them on the pile.

> From Indonesia this is Robin Lustig.

Dear Mr. Lustig,

What this means we're still working on. Anyway, we have our own Tsunami stuff. Despite earnest entreaties from friends and family not to make fun of such a dire catastrophe, we have decided to accept our destiny as the most frowned-upon publication this side of Leg Show.

--

WE ROCK!

Dear Sirs,

Man, do I love this newspaper! I have had trouble finding it (compared to the Artistic Vitriol that is so easy to find) but whenever I catch an issue, I devour it, pleased that I am not alone in my political thoughts. As a former Army sergeant who served with many echelons of the service, my bull$h!t meter is cranked up whenever I listen to the news. I pretend that it is a fictional series, like every other "reality" program on the tube. I subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, only because I think that it is the capitalist bible in America. It fervently supports the Conservative agenda. I consider your competition to be in lockstep with a fake Liberal agenda created by the two-party oligarchy. Your paper blasts all viewpoints as a pack of lies. I love it.

Recently I got a call from a liberal fundraiser. I used to donate money to the Community Action place downtown. Last summer I stopped. (I'm just a poor college student.) The caller inquired why I would discontinue support during the thick of the fray in the last presidential election. My answer shocked this idealistic volunteer. I explained that I had realized there was no hope for change, and that Bush would not be leaving the White House. They control the system. There is no democracy in America. Kerry was intentionally running a crappy campaign, because he was not allowed to say the most obvious criticism, "Nine-Eleven Happened On Your Watch!" Those few words would have won the election. What a corrupt and perverse country we live in.

Money and Lies. The lies are the lynchpin. Do you realize that the US has warehouses full of documents that are still classified FROM THE NINETEEN-THIRTIES AND FORTIES! That really pisses me off. They range from strategic to tactical to mundane. The CIA admitted a few years ago that Benny Goodman did survive his plane flight to Europe and was found a few days later dead of a heroin overdose in a French brothel. The gov'ment covered it up because they thought it would adversely effect the fighting men. Most of the soldiers I served with would have thought "good for him." Imagine the secrets and lies. The gov'ment almost admitted that FDR knew about the upcoming Pearl Harbor attack when Congress passed a resolution absolving the two commanders of the base, who were scapegoated. Imagine the lies. People would finally have the veil torn from their faces. They would have to face the truth. They would have to march. Then the gov'ment would admit to the last great lie. They already have total surveillance (total information awareness), and that we have been in a police state. Hurray for democracy!

So after spewing my pent-up frustration about "the system" this poor dude from Community Action was dizzy. He agreed with many of my points. He even tried to get back on his script a few times. We talked for quite a while and he eventually agreed that mass outrage and feet in the street is the only way to make the Establishment bend to the will of the people. He also agreed that the Elites in America have done everything since the 1960s to ensure that the youth are never informed enough or brave enough to do anything about it. The media machine is all about bling-bling. The Medium has trained our women to flaunt their sexuality but not to use it, whores in name only. They persuaded our men to remain boys and act like weak buffoons with boyband haircuts and no individuality. They have diluted all archetypes so that they have more homogeneity in the consumer class. Now the pursuits of young Americans are only material and in poor taste at that. The Elites have all but won. You are that voice in the wilderness. Enjoy it while you can. I know that I am. Thanks for helping me laugh while Rome burns.....

Todd Allan, Buffalo

Dear Todd,

You'r right, you know; it would be better if women put out more often. Thanks for letting us know about your superfluous phone conversation.

++++++++++++++++

TONGUE LASHING

Dear Vile & Dangerous Misogynists,

As a member of the Buffalo chapter of the Feminine Liberation Organization (no connection whatsoever to FelLatiO), I must tell you that I take great offense at your sophomoronic attempts at mocking the divine act of beaver licking. So what if our future Secretary of State engages in a periodic tongue lashing? Does it frighten your xenophobic male staff that a woman can satisfy a woman? Does the very thought make your willy a little silly and dysfunctional? I think I am speaking for enlightened women everywhere when I say that no man has the right to ridicule our beavers at the expense of a cheap laugh. I could be rude and vulgar and mock the lifestyles of men (some of whom may be sitting next to you ) who have decided to indulge themselves in a little barn-door balling, but I am a woman, and a modest one, who does not need to go off the deep end. We at the FLO have chosen to come out of the closet but stay in our bedrooms. We adore our bodies and our motto is: F*ck Everything That Moves And Even Things That Don't. We f*ck furniture, upholstery, vacuum sweepers and organic vegetables, broom sticks, hedge hogs, razor blades and cowboy boots. We even have a member who f*cked a golden retriever at one of our annual family picnics. So what I am saying is F*ck YOU Buffalo Beast! Live and Let Lick!

Sincerely,

Gloria Fender
Feminine Liberation Organization
Buffalo Chapter

Dear Gloria,

We apologized wholeheartedly for our slur against your celebrated and special pratice. Why not come down sometime and you can show us what you're talking about?


 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.


[sic] - letters

TONGUE LASHING

Dear Vile & Dangerous Misogynists,

As a member of the Buffalo chapter of the Feminine Liberation Organization (no connection whatsoever to FelLatiO), I must tell you that I take great offense at your sophomoronic attempts at mocking the divine act of beaver licking. So what if our future Secretary of State engages in a periodic tongue lashing? Does it frighten your xenophobic male staff that a woman can satisfy a woman?


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


DLC Moose Shit

Matt Taibbi

...Marshall Wittmann, the former legislative director for the Christian Coalition and also a veteran talking head of such excellent organizations as the Heritage Foundation and the Hudson Institute (which hypes him as "one of the nation's most quoted analysts"), offers himself as a candidate for the chair of the Democratic Party. Wittmann, you see, is now an operative at the Democratic Leadership Council—he got the policy operative spot that opened up when Al From and Bruce Reed were tipped off that their initial choice, Mobutu Sese Seko, had been dead for years...


Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Hey everyone! Aren't my tits great? Truly they are a gift unto us from the Holy Father. I'm so hot for Jesus!

Please buy Nick's album. He could really use the help.

 


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."



Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."