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Issue #66

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Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley





Issue #64

Download Entire issue (31mb PDF)

 

Features:

Happy Bhopal to You: The Disaster is 20 Years Young! - Matt Taibbi

Sleeping With the Fishes: Fear Not, Buffalo--Corporate Welfare Will Save You! - Chris Abbey

No Moore Dissent: DLC Targets Populism, Man-Boobs- Matt Taibbi

Drowning the Scorpion: Debating a Neocon- Stan Goff

Condoleezza Rice is Going to Lick Your Beaver- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Bush Refuses to Pardon Turkey, Execution Proceeds as Scheduled

Kmart, Sears Merge to Create One Big Failure - Josh Righter



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Entertainment:

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Music Reviews :

Arcade Fire

MF Doom - Ketchup Samurai

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills Still Have a Shot at 5th Super Bowl Loss - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley







Contact Us

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2004 The Beast


Bills just not good enough
--And Bledsoe is reason why

by Ronnie Roscoe


The Buffalo Bills were given every opportunity to make the NFL playoffs this past Sunday at Ralph Wilson Stadium, but in the end they proved -quite clearly-they just weren't good enough and did not deserve a playoff berth. It wasn't the fact they fell behind the "eight ball" with their 0-4 start, it wasn't because the referees called a bad game, and hell it wasn't even because the kicker sucks. The Bills season is over because their quarterback is Drew Bledsoe and he isn't good enough.

The Bills demonstrated throughout the second half of the season that they have talent. General Manager Tom Donahoe has come under fire for many of his decisions. There have been some questionable moves regarding his coaches, the draft and free agent signings, but overall the level of talent on the Bills is enough to get to the playoffs. There is no question that Willis Magahee was well worth a number one draft pick. Lee Evans appears to be the real deal and teamed with Eric Moulds the Bills have as good a wide receiver tandem as there is in the entire league. The defense is still a work in progress but it has playmakers. The special teams that were horrible under both Wade Phillips and Gregg Williams had a remarkable turnaround and played a pivotal role in the team's success. The coaching staff grew up over the course of the season and although not perfect it was an improvement.

The Bills put together a 6 game winning streak that masked a very glaring weakness-Drew Bledsoe. Oh it is easy to pick on Ryan Lindell and his missed field goals, and the inability for the defense to stop a third string running back is inexcusable, but the bottom line is Bledsoe makes about 6 million a year and against Pittsburgh he looked like he deserves about a buck fitty. At his best Bledsoe is a serviceable quarterback, meaning if the Bills are playing a bad team he can do just enough to get the team by and at times do enough to make the offense move efficiently. The Bills piled up 30 points a game for quite a stretch, but many points were actually scored due to the defense and special teams, not because of the offense. Obviously Bledsoe is an easy target for the blame, but, truth be told, he deserves it. If the Bills played a team that has a good defense (Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Jacksonville, New England-is it ok to stop now?) he folded like a taco.

The Bills were down two points; it was the beginning of the fourth quarter and the offense needed to take over. Bledsoe had a chance to right every wrong over the past two years. It was there for the taking and for the most part it was second- and third-stringers standing in his way. It was time for Bledsoe to step up, make plays and win the game. He had the chance to remove all the doubts, prove he was back in top form, he had been asked over the past six weeks to just steer the ship, and not sink it. This week his team needed him to set sail.

He couldn't do it.

Four three quarters it looked like every other game the past six weeks: Magahee had a touchdown, the defense had three turnovers and scored a touchdown, but instead of winning by 20 points, the Bills were playing a good team and they were in a dog fight. The Bills needed their captain, they needed a leader, but unfortunately he not only proved he can't be counted on to win a game, he flat out lost it. He couldn't read a blitz-something Pittsburgh did several times during the game each time with great success. He couldn't move his feet, he couldn't throw the ball away and he got sacked. It wasn't the first time we saw this play, but this time when he got sacked he fumbled not only the ball, but also the season and possibly his career away.

Strangely, in the last six weeks we hadn't seen much of THAT Drew Bledsoe. There was this other guy who just kind of showed up and watched as the defense scored, the special teams scored and Magahee ran over everyone. Once in a while he chipped in a throw or two, but when he screwed up it wasn't that big a deal because the others teams sucked so bad no one noticed. Unfortunately that wasn't Seattle on the field; it was Pittsburgh, so you couldn't help but notice.

Hey, if the Bills get to play Cleveland, Arizona, Chicago and the Niners every week next year, then let's keep Bledsoe as our quarterback, extend his contract and give him big fat bonus. Unfortunately, next year will bring New England, an improved Cincinnati, Denver, Kansas City, San Diego, Houston, the Jets, Dolphins, Falcons and Buccaneers. This was the year; it was all lined up for him, and he couldn't take advantage. So let me be the first to say goodbye, Drew. You seem like a nice guy, I hope you enjoy fishing and hunting back home, but I don't want you as the Bills quarterback anymore. Pack your bags and seriously consider retirement. It isn't worth it anymore; you don't have it and it is time to turn the page.

The rest of this message goes to you to Tommy boy-let him go. Let him resurrect his career somewhere else. I want that 6 million that goes to Drew to go to Jonas Jennings, Pat Williams and a little more defensive talent. I need to see if your boy Losman was worth the first round pick. Drew had his chance-a golden opportunity-and he literally let it slip through his hands right into the waiting hands of a Pittsburgh Steeler. This team could have been and maybe should be playing in the playoffs, but he cost them that chance.

Now it is up to you not to cost them that opportunity again in 2005.


 

.. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.


[sic] - letters

TONGUE LASHING

Dear Vile & Dangerous Misogynists,

As a member of the Buffalo chapter of the Feminine Liberation Organization (no connection whatsoever to FelLatiO), I must tell you that I take great offense at your sophomoronic attempts at mocking the divine act of beaver licking. So what if our future Secretary of State engages in a periodic tongue lashing? Does it frighten your xenophobic male staff that a woman can satisfy a woman?


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


DLC Moose Shit

Matt Taibbi

...Marshall Wittmann, the former legislative director for the Christian Coalition and also a veteran talking head of such excellent organizations as the Heritage Foundation and the Hudson Institute (which hypes him as "one of the nation's most quoted analysts"), offers himself as a candidate for the chair of the Democratic Party. Wittmann, you see, is now an operative at the Democratic Leadership Council—he got the policy operative spot that opened up when Al From and Bruce Reed were tipped off that their initial choice, Mobutu Sese Seko, had been dead for years...


Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Hey everyone! Aren't my tits great? Truly they are a gift unto us from the Holy Father. I'm so hot for Jesus!

Please buy Nick's album. He could really use the help.

 


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."



Sleeping With the Fishes

Chris Abbey

What do dying urban centers need to keep them afloat when everything and everyone has long since moved out to the suburbs? A gimmick, of course, like the Arch in St. Louis or, even cooler, a Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of fame like Cleveland has! Too bad those ideas were already taken, and the only thing our leaders could think of is resurrecting the long dead Aud and turning it into a massive Bass Pro outdoor shop, along with a hotel and restaurant.


Happy Bhopal to You

Matt Taibbi

THE BHOPAL DISASTER had its 20th anniversary last week, and so was duly (and briefly) commemorated in the inside sections of a few American newspapers.

It is unlikely, however, that any public figures are going to pay tribute to what happened 20 years ago this week. Which is too bad, because as far as America is concerned, the week of Dec. 9 to 16 was the more important week of the Bhopal disaster. That's when we got over Bhopal.


Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Too Cool for School

Al Uthman

In the decomposing cesspool of Buffalo's public schools, City Honors has long been regarded as something of a gem. In fact, it is widely regarded as the best school the city has to offer, with the brightest kids around.


Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."