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Issue #67

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Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

 

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley




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2004 The Beast

 

Cross Examination
Bible Study with Itza Crock

I was a Catholic. Not just any Catholic. I went to church with my family every Sunday and on every holy day of obligation. I attended a Catholic elementary school, a Jesuit High School, and a Jesuit College. I was married in a Catholic church with a Catholic priest. I was president of my parish counsel at my Catholic church. And I am the God Father to seven children. All this, and by age 32 I had never actually read the Bible. If you had asked me when I was 32 whether I had ever read the Bible, I would have given the same answer just about every Catholic I have asked gives me: "Over the years I have probably read the whole Bible, yes." But the sad fact is that after being a Catholic for over 32 years, I had never read the book which is undoubtedly the foundation for Christianity.

When my son was born, I felt I needed to increase my faith in God. And, as my three daughters were born, that desire grew. I didn't want to be merely a good Catholic; I wanted to be a great Catholic. My parents were great Catholics for me and I wanted to be that for my children. I asked my parish priest what I could do to become a great Catholic. He suggested that I start by going to the source of our faith; the Bible. So I did. I began reading Genesis and didn't stop until I finished Revelation. Over 1400 pages. I read every night. I read on planes. I read while waiting for meetings. I read every day. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but always something. It took me over a year. At first, I didn't take notes, I just read. I didn't want to turn it into a "study thing;" I simply wanted to absorb the Word of God, to take it all in.

Since my goal was to become a great Catholic, at first everything made sense. Everything worked. If it didn't, I made it work. King David is an adulterer and murder? No problem. Rebecca favors her son Jacob over her son Esau and cheats Esau out of his birthright? No problem. Jacob marries his two cousins, and has 12 sons with two wives and two concubines, works for me.

But at some point things began to unravel. Maybe it was when I began to appreciate that the Old Testament portrayed God as a racist. Or maybe it was when Moses claimed that God told him to commit genocide in Canaan. I didn't immediately conclude that the Bible was an offensive insult to God, though. I simply concluded that I wasn't bright enough or insightful enough to understand the mysteries.

So I kept reading. But rather than simply read and absorb, I started the process of folding corners. Every time something didn't make sense to me, I folded the corner of the page. I didn't want to be slowed down by my ignorance. I planned that, after I finished the Bible once, I would go back and address the few outstanding issues. Before long, though, I was folding both corners of every page. I even started making small tears in pages, to remind myself that there were more than two issues on particular pages.

By the time I reached the New Testament, I had practically doubled the thickness of the book with all of my folds. It looked like an accordion. I was relieved to get to Matthew, though. After all, Jesus came here to set the record straight. He came to tell the Jews they were on the wrong path and to provide guidance for Jew and Gentile alike. My questions would soon be answered. But that didn't happen. My issues only grew. By the time I finished Matthew, I had given up on my corner-folding technique and pulled out a pen. By the time I finished Revelation, I had notes everywhere.

It simply didn't make sense. This was the Word of God, but it didn't sound like that to me. So I spoke with some really smart Christians. They told me to pray about it. Wow! Why didn't I think of that? The only problem was that I had been praying about it, every day, five times per day. The book simply didn't make sense! Then they told me that I must not have enough faith. I'm not listening. I'm not opening myself up to God's Word. Let's see; I had just dedicated almost two years of my life to reading a book most Christians haven't even read, I'd dedicated myself to prayer at least five times per day, I'd gone to every smart Christian I know to get answers, and I didn't have enough faith? I wasn't listening? I wasn't opening myself up to God's Word?

I made a new plan. I would read the book again. This time, though, I wouldn't read it as a Christian; I would read it as a Martian. I wouldn't read it with the belief that Jesus is the "Son of God;" I would believe that Jesus was just a man, until the text proved otherwise. This time I would read the book with only three assumptions. First, that God loves his children at least as much as I love mine. Second, that God wouldn't favor one child over another (I wouldn't and God is a better parent than I am). And third, that God is all-powerful and all-knowing.

The second reading changed my life.

You see, without a lifetime of Christian baggage obstructing my view, I was able to see Jesus for the first time. I didn't see the compassionate, loving, Son of God who gave his life to take away the sins of the world. At least not in Jesus. What I saw in Jesus was arrogance, anger, abusiveness, self love, insecurity, and racism. Most of all though, I saw a man; not God.

I now find it funny that authors of books like the The DaVinci Code invest all kinds of time attempting to expose major weaknesses in the Catholic Church. Typically, Catholics respond with "outrage" at the author, and sometimes disenchantment with the Catholic religion. I think it's funny because regardless of whether the leaders of the Catholic Church are corrupt, the religion is fatally flawed by the fact that it's centered on Jesus. To discredit the Christian religion, one need only read the book-not The DaVinci Code, the Bible. The Gospels in particular. The words Jesus actually spoke. If you read the Gospels as I did, as a Martian, you will see that Jesus is a man and Christianity is a fraud.

Over the next few months, I'll show you what I saw the second time I read the Bible. I will write articles about the book that over two billion people have accepted as the Word of God. I'll start with a few key people in the Old Testament to provide some needed background. Then I'll talk about the man himself, Jesus.

 

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The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


2004 Timeline: The Year in Regret


[sic] - letters

CHEQUE YOURSELF
Mr. Uthman,

I found your magazine online through a link to your '50 Most Loathsome People' article. Great stuff. However, as a Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in your otherwise insightful 'O Buffalo' article:


Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."



 

Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."