KINO KORNER: Film Reviews by
on Precinct 13
we are. Three weeks into the new year and we get hit with a unnecessary
remake of a cult classic. A cult classic that, under an objective viewing,
wasnít that great to begin with.
youíre unfamiliar with the plot of the original: a small band of criminals
and cops in a soon-to-be-closed-down precinct are overrun by faceless
gang members who stick it to the man by surrounding the building and
opening fire with silenced weapons at anything that attempts to make
a break for it.
now, decades later, some unneeded rationale is added to this zombie
premise without the zombies. Gang members are replaced with rogue cops
trying to kill a mobster (Lawrence Fishburne), sending the whole thing
straight to hell.
all of these things donít break the deal for you, Ethan Hawke is in
it. The fact that heís starring with another commanding black actor
in another dirty cop movie cements my belief that Hawke is only convincing
as the shitty punk ass white boy next to an ebony monolith that will
play the bride to Hawkeís bridesmaid at the Oscars.
he can find his way there.
be honest, I was so distracted by Ethan Hawke when watching this movie
that I couldnít really get into it, much less pay attention to it. I
kept thinking of how incredibly stupid he is. Iíve accepted the fact
that he doesnít wash his hair. I can deal with the fact that he thinks
heís a really interesting director and a brilliant author who can only
write about an angry and confused young artist. Iíve come to terms with
that, and Iíve never been happier. But what I canít get past is the
fact that a donkeydick like Hawke managed to land a goddess like Uma
Thurman, convince her to have his children, and then cheat on her.
like walking off a $75,000-a-year job on a whim. I mean, who the hell
does that? Especially in this town.
story short, rent the original. Or wipe your ass with your money and
flush it. I donít care.
We There Yet?
minutes into Are We There Yet, three little words kept spinning
around in my head like a mantra: Fuck Ice Cube. Fuck him in the
understand that everything one of my adolescent heroes does cannot and
in all likelihood will not be just as good as The Predator. Torque
and both Barbershop movies have proven this to me and Iím okay
Cubeís not even trying anymore. The PG rating is the biggest red flag
here. The man who once wanted to slaughter white devils everywhere is
now the organ grinderís monkey as he entertains their spawn. The black
dude who tap-danced for Lawrence Welk has more street cred than Ice
Cube will after dropping this turd, and Iím pretty sure that poor son
of a bitch is dead by now.
Are We There Yet
is nothing more than a Home Alone rip-off with fewer redeeming
qualities, if you can believe that. At least the smug little bastard
in the Home Alone movies was fighting for his life. The rotten
little shits that Ice Cube is babysitting, for some chick heís trying
to cornhole, are just mean for the hell of it and no other reason. They
should be castrated and left in solitary for thirty years and beaten
regularly. And so should Ice Cube. The only reason I could think of
him doing this movie is that he needs the money.
youíre one of the sorry sons of bitches that saw the tragedy put onto
film known as Daredevil, you know what a clunky piece of shit
it was, and you are also partially responsible for this awful spin-off.
brought this on yourself, ass rod.
donít know about you, but every time I see Jennifer Garner, I zoom in
on those beady little black eyes, and once she starts talking (you know
itís going to happen anyway), she blasts away any vestigial remnants
of sexual attraction that I may or may not have had for her. Then I
start thinking of the Canadians on ďSouth Park.Ē You know, the ones
with the beady eyes and the flapping heads?
fact that she dates Ben Affleck doesnít help matters any.
Elektra doesnít even make mention to Daredevil
or the only saving grace of that film, Colin Farrell as Bullseye, who
killed Jennifer Garnerís character. Between this, The Punisher,
and the upcoming Fantastic Four film coming out, the comic book
movie scene should finally sputter and die in 2005. Keep Spider-Man,
X-Men, and Batman going. Give The Hulk and Superman
one more shot. If they donít make good, I wonít stand in the way of
if you feel the same way I do, we have a responsibility to end the Daredevil/Elektra
thing right now. If anyone ever mentions either film in a favorable
manner, punch them in the head. I donít care if you have to chase them
down for six city blocks. If you donít want to see any more shit like
this, you know what you have to do.
can sum up Coach Carter in four words: Wrong place, wrong
go see a movie about thugs playing basketball in downtown Buffalo and
youíre asking for trouble. Nothing terrible happened, provided that
not being able to hear a movie can be a good thing.
really. I love hearing cell phones go off every thirty seconds. Have
a ten-minute conversation with Tiny. I donít mind. Go ahead; Iím sure
itĎs important. Oh, your baby daddyís on the phone? Heís going to be
on ďCheaters?Ē Get out! Whenís it on? Ask him!
talk to the screen. Itís really going to have an impact on the plot
of the movie. I mean, it always does when you yell at a horror movie.
They can hear you and they will listen to you.
that bitch is pretty fly. Iím not a booty man myself, but yeah,
that would look good with some cole slaw slapped up on that shit. Iíve
never been freaky with the mayo before, but Iíll give anything a shot,
shorty is spending all the child support on her new man. Letís go fuck
his shit up RIGHT NOW!
snoozefest stars Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace, and Scarlett Johannson,
and never fails to bore or annoy.
a verteran salesman whose company gets bought out, and his boss (Grace)
is half his age. But things try to get more interesting when his boss
winds up banging Quaidís daughter.
this is the kind of shit that Grace is going to quit ďThat 70ís ShowĒ
for, he shouldnít turn in his bellbottoms yet. Bad haircuts and playing
the quintessential dork do not a career move make. And as for Miss Johannson,
what the hell is this? You were on the fast track with Lost in Translation,
and this is what you follow it up with? Screw you and your It-Girl
status, your glow-in-the-dark dye job, and your mannish walk.
movieís like week-old bread that no one bothered to stick in the refrigerator,
let alone rewrap. Itís like a beltsander taken to the side of your head.
Watching infomercials that push pyramid schemes for three days straight.
yeah, you can expect to hear about it from stupid people with no taste
for weeks to come.
in Fight Club when Brad Pittís character was working as a projectionist
and splicing single frames of porn into the kidsí movies, and Edward
Norton was narrating it? The talking animal movie with the celebrity
voices? Well, this is it.
you can disconnect Frankie Munizís, David Spadeís, and Steve Harveyís
voices from their faces in your mind, you may actually enjoy Racing
Stripes. Of course, having a kid nagging you to take them to see
it should be somewhere in the equation.
then, this is coming from someone whoís a sucker for animal movies and
Animal Planet. Babe is one of my favorite movies and imagining
Dudley Moore sloshed while recording the narration for The Adventures
of Milo and Otis only adds to the filmís already abundant charm.
out the cast of Racing Stripes are Dustin Hoffmann as a donkey,
Joey Pants as a pelican and Snoop Dogg asóyouíll never guessóa dog!
Who could have thought of that?
canít decide which is worse, these dull and lifeless horror movies that
work off of a lukewarm plotóthe ones that pretty much sum up the whole
story in itís snoozeville trailer and try to give you your moneyís worth
with a donkey turd of a twist, or the sad bastards who go and see these
things and convince everyone they happen to come into contact with just
how great it was.
they trying to convince us that it was good or is it themselves, in
an effort to rationalize that they really didnít just piss away more
than eight dollars and the 300% markup on the popcorn they gave to the
sentences aside, White Noise is just another orbit in the downward
spiral that is the modern American horror movie. Maybe itís the sort
of film that will be appreciated in fifteen to twenty years on cable.
You know, when nothing else is on and ďYes, DearĒ on UPN loses the coin
bet that Michael Keaton (the biggest star in this turkey) is really
glad that he stopped doing those career-ruining Batman movies.